25 Moments
by Lady Callista
Summary: From the friendly to the flirty, and the angsty to the romantic, here are twenty-five short stories for our favorite command duo, each based upon a prompt. Many are scenes 'missing' from a particular episode, others are just various moments based either upon the characters in general or events of my own design.
1. Intro

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. Buffy the Vampire Slayer belongs to Joss Whedon. I am making no profit from this, except for my joy when I get reviews. And hopefully I'm making lots of readers happy.

AN (it's a long one, sorry): In the many years I've been reading fanfic, I've often been intrigued by what we call 'prompts.' Someone gives you a word, idea, or sentence, and you write a story around it. I recently ran across an amazing author, DemonClowSorceress, who has a bunch of these stories. She chose couples, made up 50 prompts, and proceeded to write a story for each one. And as I read some of her prompts, I began to think about how they could apply to the couple on my mind at the moment. I also began to think of prompts of my own for that couple.

I plan to write short stories about each one, and if there's a specific one you want to read please let me know as I'm willing to change the order. Each story will have an episode reference so you know where it's set timeline wise (although they won't be in chronological order), but the stories will rarely have much to do with the episode, they'll take place sometimes after it but before the next one. Oh, and they don't go together; I just didn't want to publish 25 different short stories cause I think it's easier to keep them together. Especially as I've had so many ideas for Voyager fics that aren't really good enough to be big stories, but are perfect for this.

Most of these are cannon friendly, as in they could have actually happened in cannon. (Unlike a series I once wrote for Buffy, where I took each episode of season 3 and 'fixed' it so that B&A ended up together.) As much as I wanted to write each story with them ending up a couple, it seemed much more IC to simply put in what I consider 'missing moments,' ones that expand upon their unique and special relationship. I didn't just want to write 25 situations in which they could have gotten together, I wanted to write 25 moments that explored their relationship. Although I couldn't resist letting them get together in at least a few of them…

Thanks and credit to DemonClowSorceress for letting me use some of her prompts. Let me know if there's one you want next, or if you have an idea for one, otherwise they'll be going in the order my muse dictates.

* * *

25 Moments

By Lady Callista

_=/\=_

"_There are moments in your life that make you, that set the course for who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're not." -Whistler in "Becoming," from Buffy the Vampire Slayer_

_=/\=_

=/\=

PDA - In all fairness, Tom hadn't really expected him to actually do it.

Jealous - He wasn't really jealous of Michael; Chakotay loved that he could make her happier. What he was jealous of were the simple things, like the fact that the man had the privilege to hold her hand and touch her hair.

Mistress - He objected to the misogynistic culture on principle, but it was difficult to object to the reality of her hanging on his arm and whispering in his ear.

Boots - Without them on, she's the perfect height to hold. With them on, she's the perfect height to kiss.

Ahab - It wasn't being relieved of duty that distressed him the most. It was the fact that she was destroying herself and for the first time he couldn't save her.

Time - She couldn't decide if she wished they'd had more or less.

Prince - Of all the words and titles ever used to describe him, this was decidedly the oddest.

Fear - She hadn't meant to hurt him. Sometimes she forgot how sensitive the former Maquis captain was underneath all his strength.

Control - She knows she can't relate to his past, but she tries to help him live in the present as best she can.

Directive - If they hadn't forgotten about half of them, the senior officers of _Voyager_ would have known just how close they were to beating James T. Kirk's record of temporal violations.

Betrayal - She knew he had dealt with the truth about Tuvok fairly well, but was afraid that Seska was going to be another story.

Holodeck - If anything ever proved Murphey's Law, it was that damn room. Just how many times had something gone wrong with it, anyway?

Charisma - There was just something about his take charge attitude and aggressive demeanor that was incredibly attractive, and the leather pants sure didn't hurt.

Implants - She had never been vain about her appearance, yet he saw the vulnerability and fear in her eyes the instant he walked into Sickbay. He still thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and made sure that shone in his eyes.

Vestige - She had always thought he would be beside her at the end, but when it came she could only cling to his last gift as she imagined that he was.

Uniform - It represented everything she knew they would need to survive in the Delta Quadrant, she just hoped she could convince him to put it on again.

Hair - Every night as she took her hair out of its severe bun, she smiled as the bounds of rank fell away and she could be just a woman for a time. The first time he was privileged to see the transformation he could only watch in silence, amazed at the difference.

Skirt - Chakotay could barely concentrate the day she walked into Chez Sandrine wearing a black number that made her legs look amazing.

Reciprocation - He had helped her through so many things, and she couldn't understand why he hadn't turned to her when he was the one who needed a shoulder.

Loss - Those minutes when he thought he had lost her were the longest of his life.

Trust - After all this time, he had thought that she trusted him.

Panic - "Captains don't panic," Chakotay admonished gently. "They just overreact in a very dramatic fashion."

Baby - He had so many conflicting emotions when he found out that it wasn't his.

Pilot - She trusted him to pilot _Voyager_ when necessary and he had never failed her, but she felt a sinking feeling in her chest whenever he left in a shuttlecraft.

Coffee - There had been days when coffee was the only thing that made her morning bearable. Now all he had to do was walk into her ready room and she found herself smiling. And it was no longer just because he always brought a pot of coffee.

=/\=

I'm adding this because several people have asked for a quick guide to make it easier to find their favorites among these in the future. It's just a guide to which episode each story goes with, but if you remember anything about the fic you're looking for this should help.

2 PDA [3.25 Worst Case Scenario]

3 Jealous [6.11 Fair Haven]

4 Mistress [2.17 Dreadnaught]

5 Boots [6.24 Lifeline]

6 Ahab [6.1 Equinox]

7 Time [2.25 Resolutions]

8 Prince [3.11 The Q and the Grey]

9 Fear [5.19 The Fight]

10 Control [7.4 Repression]

11 Directive [7.11 Shattered]

12 Betrayal [1.10 State of Flux]

13 Holodeck [6.17 Spirit Folk]

14 Charisma [3.25 Worst Case Scenario]

15 Implants [7.1 Unimatrix Zero]

16 Vestige [4.9 Year of Hell]

17 Uniform [1.1 Caretaker]

18 Hair [2.9 Tattoo]

19 Skirt [5.10 Counterpoint]

20 Reciprocation [4.15 Hunters]

21 Loss [3.15 Coda]

22 Trust [2.20 Investigations]

23 Panic [4.7 Scientific Method]

24 Baby [3.1 Basics]

25 Pilot [4.4 Nemesis]

26 Coffee [1.16 Learning Curve]


	2. PDA

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Worst Case Scenario (S3,E25)

AN: According to the stardates, this episode took place on Dec 14, and the next one on Dec 26. And we all know what holiday falls between them. Thanks to DemonClowSorceress for a prompt where all I had to do was change the name in it, lol.

I thought I'd start out with this one because it's cute and fun. And by request, Jealous is going to be next. Thanks to those who reviewed and asked for stories, I'll do my best to get the other requested ones out soon.

* * *

Prompt: In all fairness, Tom hadn't really expected him to actually do it.

* * *

PDA

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"I'm surprised you're so anxious to go back into the holodeck, Mr. Paris." Captain Janeway remarked upon discovering that her chief helmsman had spent all of his free time over the past week and a half working on a new program.

"I was just thinking about how much fun everyone had with that program, before Seska's alterations anyway." Tom said with a grin. "We don't get shore leave often, and the crew does love playing on the holodeck."

"So this is another program that anyone can use?" Janeway eyed him over her desk as she took a sip of coffee.

"Well, yes." Tom hedged. "But I kinda wanted to test it with the senior staff. 19:00, Holodeck 2."

She gave him a look for a moment, waiting for more information, but when none was forthcoming she sighed. "Dress code?"

Tom smiled. "Earth, late 19th Century British formalwear, if you really want to fit in with the program. But anything other than a uniform is fine."

Janeway shook her head. "Couldn't you have picked an era where women's dress was a little less… confining?"

He chuckled. "You can wear whatever you want. But the time period… it just fits what I wanted to do."

"I'll be there, in proper dress." She sighed again. "But next time, try and write something a little more modern."

"You'll love it Captain, I promise."

=/\=

Kathryn froze in shock the instant she walked into the holodeck. The first thing she saw was the lights, hundreds of small white lights glistening over a mahogany banister that led up richly carpeted stairs. The second thing she saw, and only because she turned her head at a discreet cough, was a butler uniformed in black and white.

"May I take your wrap, milady?"

She chuckled. "I'm afraid I don't have one."

"Then let me show you into the parlor." He replied stiffly. "The rest of the guests have already arrived."

She nodded, mind furiously whirling as she smelled a scent that brought her back to her childhood. As soon as she realized it was pine she knew what Tom had done.

The butler led her down a hallway towards the back of the beautifully decorated house, stopping in an archway and gesturing her in.

She froze again, taking in the scene before her. A beautiful parlor, complete with a roaring fire, bookcases lining the walls, tables and chairs spread in comfortable conversational groupings, and a huge evergreen tree in the corner already decorated with more lights and multicolored glass bulbs.

The Doctor sat behind a grand piano, playing a carol her mind absently gave her the words for. _Peace on Earth, goodwill to men._

The rest of her senior staff was spread throughout the room. Chakotay, Tom, and Harry were playing some kind of card game at one table. Kes and B'Elanna, beautiful in violet and green gowns respectively, stood near the tree talking quietly. Tuvok sat near the fire, staring into it as if meditating. And Neelix was moving up and down a huge buffet table, sampling everything and occasionally asking Tom what something was. He was obviously getting ideas for his kitchen.

She would have been content to stand and watch a few more moments, but the butler beside her chose that moment to speak. "The Lady Kathryn."

Everyone's attention turned to her, and she couldn't help but smile back at the happiness she saw on their faces.

"Happy Christmas, Captain." Resplendent in a maroon and black Victorian suit, Tom rose and approached her with a huge grin.

"I don't recall being announced that way." Kathryn's grin nearly matched his. "Merry Christmas, Lord Tom."

A chuckle went around the room as she dropped a small curtsey, and Tom's grin somehow grew even larger as he bowed to her. "Lady Kathryn."

=/\=

He had barely taken his eyes off of her all night. He loved seeing the happy, relaxed smile on her face as she chatted with various people. He loved the sparkle in her eyes as she joined in some of the period games Tom had planned. Her bright laughter as the hot poker was handed to her to warm the mulled wine. And every time the golden lighting caught the reddish tints in her hair he had to take a deep breath.

"You know, there is one Christmas tradition no one has partaken of yet." Tom said conversationally as he dealt another hand of cards.

Harry chuckled. "Well, we could have brought presents if you had told us what you had planned."

"No, not that." Tom laughed as he watched Chakotay force his attention away from where the captain and Tuvok were talking and back to the game.

"Well, I think you're the only one who actually knows all the traditions, especially from this time period." B'Elanna said as she shook her head at the bad cards she had been given. "Not that we aren't all having a great time."

Tom's eyes shifted to where the Doctor, complete with holographic partner, was teaching Neelix and Kes how to waltz.

Everyone followed his gaze, not to the dance floor, but to the ceiling above it and the green plant with white berries that hung there.

Harry chuckled. "Mistletoe. Too bad Neelix and Kes don't know what they're standing under."

"Mistletoe?" Chakotay asked curiously.

"There's a lovely little tradition of kissing under it." Tom replied with a laugh, locking eyes with Chakotay. "Not that anyone here needs a perfectly innocent reason for kissing the lady in the amazing blue dress."

Chakotay smirked. "Deal me out."

Harry's eyes widened and Tom's mouth almost dropped open as Chakotay walked over to the captain, holding out a hand. B'Elanna only grinned, muttering that it was about time.

"Dance with me, Kathryn?"

She looked up into Chakotay's twinkling eyes and felt her heart give a little jolt. "Of course, milord." She said cheekily, turning to excuse herself from Tuvok.

He kept her hand in his as he led her to the side of the room where the other couples were dancing. "Do you know how to waltz?"

Eyes shining, she nodded, although her breath caught for a moment when he spun her under his arm before pulling her close to him and beginning to dance.

They moved together for several moments, each discovering to their surprise that the other was a very good dancer. As they grew more comfortable, the spins and dips increased in frequency, and soon they moved alone on the dance floor, the center of attention.

When the song ended, the clapping began, and Kathryn flushed as she realized everyone's eyes were on them. But she didn't turn to look at them, caught up in the spell of his eyes, and the fact that he still held her in his arms.

"Look up." He said it softly, and she obeyed automatically, eyes shifting to the ceiling to see the little green plant she realized he had maneuvered them under.

She blushed harder, but met his eyes even as her breath caught at the question in his.

She let her answer, and the love she generally kept locked away, show in her eyes.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?" He asked as he raised his hand from her waist to brush his fingers over the back of her cheek. Without waiting for an answer, he leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips.

The kiss was brief, but warm, and when he pulled away from her it was with a look of utter contentment on his face.

She smiled as the clapping increased, Paris throwing in a whistle.

Then she rose on tiptoe to kiss him lightly once again. "Merry Christmas, Chakotay."

"Merry Christmas, Kathryn."

FIN


	3. Jealous

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Fair Haven (S6,E11)

AN: For Kirsty22, who asked for this one. Thanks to her and everyone else who reviewed the first one.

* * *

Prompt: He wasn't really jealous of Michael; Chakotay loved that he could make her happier. What he was jealous of were the simple things, like the fact that the man had the privilege to hold her hand and touch her hair.

* * *

Jealous

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Chakotay sighed in annoyance as the door chime brought him out of his trance and back to his quarters on _Voyager_. Not that the vision quest had been giving him any peace, or many answers, but he had hoped that if he kept at it he would find something.

The door chimed again, and Chakotay called out for the person to enter even as he began rolling his medicine bundle back up.

"I'm sorry Commander, I can come back later," Kathryn paused as soon as she had entered enough for the door to close behind her, feeling bad about having interrupted him.

Chakotay sighed as he finished tying off the bundle and rose. "It's okay, it wasn't doing much good anyway. What can I do for you, Captain?"

"I, I just wanted to talk to someone." Her voice was hesitant, and there was a long pause before she clarified, "Talk to… you."

He managed to keep his face mostly blank, although he gave her a small smile. "You know I'm always here." Although he was very anxious about having the conversation that he could feel was coming.

The corner of her mouth tipped up as she pulled her hands from behind her back, revealing a bottle of wine. "I thought this might be a good idea."

The roundabout statement that she knew this would be difficult for them made his smile grow slightly, and he gestured with the hand still holding his medicine bundle towards his bedroom. "Just let me put this away, you know where the glasses are."

She was sitting on his couch when he came back in, two glasses poured and the bottle sitting within easy reach on the coffee table.

"I imagine you know what this is about." Kathryn said softly.

He picked up the wine glass to have something to do with his hands. "I imagine I know the topic, but not the exact conversation."

"One of the things they teach us in command school is how important image is on a starship, especially for the captain. And from the day we were stranded 75,000 light years from home, I knew that would be especially important on _Voyager_." She spoke into her wineglass, which she had already taken several large sips from.

Although it took him a second, he knew her well enough to see where this was going. "Which is why you were embarrassed when I saw you with him on the holodeck."

She nodded, although there was something in her eyes that made him wonder if there was more to this. "The Doctor pointed out to me that while I can't have a relationship with a member of my crew, a hologram might be a good solution to… to relieve some of the stresses I was under."

"I meant what I said on the bridge the other day. It was nice to see you having fun." Chakotay said gently.

She caught a hint of something else in his voice, but didn't have the courage to deal with it yet. "And I was having fun. I worried at first about how the crew would react to seeing me with someone. The whole 'image' thing. But everyone seemed okay with it."

"They want you to be happy too." He smiled then, dimples flashing, and again saw a strange look in her eyes. "I understand what you mean about image being more important out here, but I think in some ways it's less important as well. Command school teaches captains to stay a step back from their crew, to be seen in an almost mythic light. To inspire confidence, loyalty, and trust. But we've become more than just a captain and crew out here, we've become a family. And it's important for them to see you as human as well. As a regular person with your own desires, dreams, and fears."

"My desire, my dream, is to get them home." She said softly. "My fear is that I won't."

He started to reach out and take her hand, then reminded himself he didn't have the right. He curled his fingers into a fist and looked down into his glass. He knew what it had taken for her to say those last six words out loud, and he was afraid of what his expression would show if he looked at her right now. "That's the captain talking. What do you want, Kathryn?"

She chuckled almost bitterly, downing her wine in a gulp and reaching for the bottle to pour more. "It's been so long I don't remember anymore."

He knew her well enough to almost believe that, and took a deep hold on his own emotions, reminding himself that he was her best friend, and that this was about him supporting her. "All humans need love, Kathryn. Both emotionally and… and physically. I'm in almost the same position you are, where it wouldn't really be appropriate for me to date someone who serves under me. I understand how lonely it can be."

"Have you ever… ever considered the holodeck for…" She couldn't finish the statement, but knew he would understand the question.

"Of course." Chakotay answered honestly. "I've had dates with holograms, and I've had… more. It's no different than the brief relationships we've both had on occasion with aliens. It's all we can have out here, and it's something we… need."

"But it's not the same." Kathryn sighed, a wistful tone in her voice. "Brief moments of connection, short respites from loneliness, only to feel worse once it's over. It's not the same as having someone who really knows you, someone you can see yourself with years from now. Someone you can imagine a life with."

Chakotay reached out hesitantly, resting his hand over hers where it lay on her knee. "So let me get to know you more. Let other members of the crew in. You may not be able to… have a romantic relationship with one of us, but you should never feel alone."

A tear slid down her cheek, almost more from the tender expression on his face than at his words. "I… I want to ask you something. Something I shouldn't."

His thumb started to slid back and forth over her knuckles without him being aware of it. "I can't think of anything you could ask that I wouldn't answer."

Kathryn sighed, breaking eye-contact and drawing her hand from his to pick up her wine and drink deeply. Her hand started to feel cold the instant she withdrew it, and she felt a wave of that loneliness again. "When you saw us in the holodeck… before you smiled… there was something in your eyes…"

It wasn't a question, but he knew what she was asking. And he realized she had, indeed, asked something of him that he was hesitant to answer. Although they had flirted frequently in the early years of their journey home, it had always been a light, teasing banter. And anytime he had tried he move further he had been gently but firmly rebuffed. He had no indication that this time would be any different, and he didn't understand why she was asking him to voice feelings she had always before politely ignored.

But there was something in her voice…

"I was jealous." He admitted simply, although he caught her eyes on the last word and hurriedly continued when he saw those eyes widen. As long as she wanted the truth, he would explain fully. "Not in the way you're thinking, but… You don't talk to me as much as you used to. You used to let me share your burdens, and spend time with you. You used to let me help you, at least a little. But then you stopped. You drew away. I still consider you one of my best friends, but you stopped letting me be there for you. So I was jealous, because I… I wished I could be the one who held you when you were sad, or lonely. I wished I could be the one to share jokes with you, to see you laugh. Run my fingers through your hair…" He took a deep breath. "You know I accept our relationship as it is, you know I'll do anything for you…"

"I'm sorry." She closed her eyes briefly before catching his again. His heart was visible to her in a way it hadn't been in close to a year. And she realized just how much she had hurt him by trying to do the exact opposite. "I didn't think it was fair to you. You gave me… you offered so much, but I couldn't… I…"

"Kathryn." His voice was barely a whisper when he interrupted her, understanding what she was stumbling to say. "An offer doesn't come with an obligation. My… my friendship, my devotion, it doesn't come at a price. I'm responsible for my own heart, my own feelings, and…"

Chakotay's words trailed off as her hand clasped his. He could see the tears in her eyes as she whispered, "I don't deserve you."

He tried to inject a lighter note into the conversation. "Well, you're stuck with me."

A hint of a smile crossed her lips, and she shifted to sit closer to him. "I wished you could be the one holding me as well." She confessed hesitantly.

His dimples flashed, and he opened his arms without hesitation.

And as she cuddled into his chest, the feelings of loneliness and despair that had only been masked when she was on the holodeck vanished completely and she understood why he said being with her brought him peace, because he had the same affect on her. And for now, she thought as his fingers trailed soothingly through her hair, that was enough.

FIN


	4. Mistress

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Dreadnought (S2, E17)

AN: This one is really short, but the idea just struck me. I expected these stories to go slowly and in my spare time from other writing, but I keep getting plot bunnies that need to be written. The next one will be another requested one, "Boots."

* * *

Prompt: He objected to the misogynistic culture on principle, but it was difficult to object to the reality of her hanging on his arm and whispering in his ear.

* * *

Mistress

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"Remind me again why I decided this was a good idea." Kathryn Janeway mumbled softly as she self-consciously tried to adjust the low neckline of the green silk dress that clung to her.

Chakotay smothered a chuckle as he looked down at the woman currently clinging to his arm, her face perfectly schooled to blankness but her eyes betraying her discomfort. "Because you decided you had to be present for the trade negotiations and this was the only way you could be."

She grumbled again. "I know I'm supposed to respect other cultures, Chakotay, but when Neelix first told me that the only way a woman would be allowed was if she was the _personal servant _of a man…"

Actually, Neelix had used the term 'mistress,' but she just wasn't comfortable applying that title to herself, especially not with her handsome first officer in the equation.

"You're just lucky they feel a man's personal servant needs to attend him at all times." Chakotay went with her word choice. "Otherwise there would be no way for you to help with the agreement."

"I know, it's just…" There was a slight tremor in her voice. "Neelix had some information in his logs on them. Chakotay, some of the things they ask their women to do…"

"I read those logs too, and as long as you stay with me no one else can ask anything of you. You know I won't embarrass you if I can help it." He soothed softly, leaning down to whisper in her ear as a few of the other people milling about the room wandered closer. Each man had a woman clinging to his arm if he was standing, or either sitting in his lap or kneeling at his feet if he was sitting. "And you know I won't take advantage. But we need these supplies, and Neelix said that they would never deal with anyone who didn't follow all of their customs."

"I know, but I feel ridiculous." She mumbled as she tried again to adjust the low neckline of the dress.

"You look beautiful." Chakotay caught her hands in his own, and noticing that the attention of several people was on them, kissed her hands lightly before leaning down to whisper in her ear again. "You're drawing attention. Just relax. It's not like we've never flirted before."

She couldn't stop the slight shiver that went down her spine as his breath blew warm against her ear. And the fact that he had called her beautiful kept spinning round and round in her mind. She let her hands rest against his chest as she looked up at him, a flirtatious smile suddenly transforming her face.

Chakotay took a deep breath as he read the look in her eyes, and he realized he might have bitten off more than he could chew. She attracted and fascinated him every day, without even trying. And he wasn't sure how he would deal with her letting her natural sensuality have free reign, especially knowing that once they left this planet she would be his captain again.

But at the twinkle in her eyes he put all thoughts of what would happen when they were back on the ship out of his mind, and decided to just enjoy this all to brief time with the beautiful woman on his arm.

FIN


	5. Boots

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Life Line (S6 E24) [This one is rare in that it takes place during the episode, and is the lunch Kathryn invited Chakotay to in order to discuss Starfleet's question on how her 'Maquis crewmembers' are doing.]

AN: For both hester4418 and an anonymous guest, who asked for this one. Enjoy!

To NoNicknameLeft, who asked for Development; I'm currently working on a storyline for that one, and should have it out within the next few stories.

To Kirsty22; Warrior will probably not be for a while yet, as it's going to be based on Workforce, and I'm currently writing a longer fic based on that episode. I can just see myself screwing up if I try it now. I'll see what I can do about Panic though.

* * *

Prompt: Without them on, she's the perfect height to hold. With them on, she's the perfect height to kiss.

* * *

Boots

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"I'm not saying I forgot you all used to be Maquis, and I know you haven't forgotten, but I meant what I said earlier, Chakotay." Kathryn said as they finished lunch. "I haven't thought about you that way in years. And I don't know how to explain that to the admiral."

Chakotay smiled as he rose to help her clear away the dishes. "We've already sent them our ship's logs. They should be able to tell that you don't treat us any differently, and that we've become valued members of _Voyager's_ crew."

"I think they just can't believe it." Kathryn said with a chuckle. "I can understand them wanting more detailed information on first contacts, and on the Borg, I actually anticipated that. But to ask about the crew… when it should be obvious from the logs…"

"Don't worry so much about it, Kathryn." Chakotay put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Like I said earlier, it'll be years before we have to worry about Starfleet doing anything to us."

Her eyes turned fierce. "If they try, I swear I'll…"

He chuckled, trying to lighten the atmosphere as he always did. "Well, I could always argue that all these years as your first officer was the equivalent of a prison term."

"Oh, you…" She huffed good-naturedly, half-heartedly slapping at his chest.

He caught her hand, eyes twinkling, then reached out for her other one as well. His expression turned serious as he looked down at her, having the irreverent thought of just how short she was without her heeled-boots on. "Just don't worry about it. You don't need another burden on top of all the ones you already carry. You don't even know what Starfleet has planned, it might not be bad. Maybe they're just asking more about the Maquis so that you can tell them how amazing we are, and how you couldn't have done this without us."

She took a small step closer to him, looking up into his gentle eyes with their hands still clasped. "I _couldn't_ have done this without _you_."

Her voice was soft and so very serious, but the fragile emotions in her eyes made him want to draw her into his arms. After less than a second of thought, he did just that.

Kathryn tensed for an instant as his arms started to slide around her, and she felt him hesitate. Letting out a deep sigh, she slipped her arms around his back and took the final small step into his embrace.

They held each other for a long moment, a moment in which words were completely unnecessary. She rested her head over his heart, and the gentle thumping combined with his scent and the feel of his arms around her made it easy for her to relax and take the comfort he offered. She felt his cheek come to rest on the top of her head and let out another soft sigh.

"Torres to Captain Janeway."

Kathryn pulled back reluctantly and tapped her combadge. "Go ahead, Lieutenant."

"Captain, we're having some issues with the warp core's antimatter injectors."

"Anything serious?" She asked as she moved away from Chakotay, trying to pull her mind away from the quiet moment of peace and back into the present.

"I don't think so Captain, but we'll need to drop out of warp to run some diagnostics." B'Elanna sounded more frustrated than worried. "Shouldn't take more than a few hours."

"See to it then, and keep me updated."

"Aye, Captain. Torres out."

Kathryn sighed, moving over to her desk and bracing a hand on it as she stepped back into her boots. "Well, break is over." She said briskly, starting to move past him towards the door.

Chakotay put a hand on her shoulder as she started to move past, and she turned reluctantly to face him. He saw the embarrassment and hesitation in her eyes, and understood them perfectly. She saw the hug as a moment of weakness, and despite the comfort she had derived from it was now going to try and pretend it hadn't happened.

"Sometimes strength is nothing more than how well you hide your pain." His voice was measured, his eyes neutral. "I know how strong you are, Kathryn, I just wish you didn't always feel like you had to be that way with me."

Her eyes heated for a moment, but even as the challenge began to rise in them it melted back, replaced by affection and trust. "I hide less from you than I do from everyone else."

He nodded in agreement, not sure of what to say to that. It was true, but at the same time she hid so much from everyone else that it wasn't saying much. His eyes widened in shock as she moved closer to him, and he looked down into grey-blue eyes that were now only a few inches below his own.

"That's because…" Kathryn reached up slowly, resting one hand on his shoulder briefly before sliding it around to the back of his neck. "You're my strength."

His eyes widened further as her other hand wrapped around his neck as well, and his arms moved to wrap around her back without thought as she stepped into his embrace again.

"Thank you, for everything."

Her voice was soft, and before he could begin to question the determination that had come into her eyes she had leaned in and brushed her lips ever so lightly over his.

His arms tightened reflexively, and he could swear his heart stopped beating for a second. He wanted to kiss her back, wanted a deeper taste than the hint he had just been given. But she was already pulling away from him, and he let her slip away as he stood there half in shock.

She was halfway out the door before she turned and said softly over her shoulder, "Other than my promise to get the crew home, one of the reasons I want to get home so badly is that I won't have to hide anything anymore."

He was still standing there in shock when the door slid closed behind her, although a smile was slowly blooming on his face.

FIN


	6. Ahab

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Equinox, Part 2 (S6, E1)

AN: e. bin has asked for either Time or Fear next, so those are being added to the short-list of requested stories that will hopefully be up soon if my muse cooperates. She isn't at the moment, since she picked this one rather than any of the requested ones, but at least she isn't blanking on me. Hope you all still enjoy.

Thanks go to a certain smart-ass friend who gave me the prompt "Ahab," I think trying to play stump-the-author. But I recalled the scene with Picard in First Contact, and just had to think on if Janeway had ever gone on a similar vendetta. I think we all remember when she did. And although the final scene on the bridge was very well done and IC, I know we all wanted more.

* * *

Prompt: It wasn't being relieved of duty that had distressed him the most. It had been the fact that she was destroying herself, and for the first time he couldn't save her.

* * *

Ahab

By Lady Callista

=/\=

The woman who walked into Chakotay's quarters after everything was over was a very different woman than the one he had faced off with in the conference room. She was a paler version even than the woman with whom he had rehung Voyager's dedication plaque, and she looked even more hesitant and unsure than when she had questioned if she would see him at Neelix's party.

"Ready for the party?" He questioned lightly.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Her voice lacked it's usual strength, and he could see the tiredness and worry in her eyes.

"Shall we then?" He wanted to ask if she wanted to talk, but forced his voice to lightness. Although it wasn't in him to hold a grudge, especially against her, he suspected it would take them both some time to get their relationship back to the way it used to be. And as always, he would let her lead. As she had chosen to have their first interaction after his reinstation take place on the bridge, he assumed she wasn't quite ready to really talk to him yet.

"Can we… can we talk first?" Kathryn said softly.

Of course, he had been wrong before. "Captain…"

"Not captain."

"Kathryn." He spoke as softly as she, and his eyes widened in concern when he saw her own fill with moisture.

She breezed by him then, moving to the viewport and staring out at the stars. She was silent as he came up behind her, not quite in touching distance.

"Kathryn?" This time his voice was questioning, but still gentle. Pushing would get him nowhere, and the fact that she had initiated this conversation meant she was ready to talk, but having difficulty with what she wanted to say.

"If I could go back and change things, I'm not sure I would." She said softly. "But I don't much like the person I became, even though I thought it was necessary."

"We came through alright." He offered neutrally.

"We as in _Voyager_, yes, but you and I…"

She didn't turn, but he could hear the tears in her voice. Chakotay hesitantly moved closer, laying a hand on her shoulder. "We'll be alright too."

"You asked what happened to me, but I couldn't tell you. I'm not even sure I could admit it to myself, not then. But I need you to understand why." Her hand came up to cover his own.

"Kathryn, it's okay…"

"No, no it's not." She said softly. "You did exactly what a first officer should do, and exactly what a friend should as well. And neither of us will ever know what would have happened if we had done things the way you wanted. But… but I had another reason for going after Ransom, beyond the ones I gave you in my ready room. I…"

She broke off with a sob, and without thought he moved forward and wrapped her in his arms. "Shh..."

Kathryn stiffened as his arms wrapped around her, but only for an instant. Then she turned so that she could wrap her own arms around him. In her own mind, she acknowledged that she clung. "I saw reflected in Ransom what I could have been. What might have happened to me, if my promise to get this crew home had become more important than the Federation's laws, more important than my own morals and ethics. And I had to stop him… because if I didn't I was saying that what he did was okay, that maybe in similar circumstances I…"

"No, you don't have that in you." Chakotay interrupted softly, holding her more firmly against his chest. "You would never compromise yourself like he did."

"You would never let me. Anytime I falter… you, you're always there." She whispered into his chest, her voice still rough with tears. "I wanted you to know… I did hear what you were saying. And I… I did listen. Maybe not in that moment when it mattered, but after…"

"I was only telling you what you already knew." He replied, hand stroking lightly over her back.

She chuckled humorlessly. "I guess we can add another description to the first officer's role; conscience."

He slid back enough to look into her eyes, noting that a few tears still slid down her cheeks. "It might have taken you a little longer without me, and you might have slid a little further, but in the end you still would have done the right thing."

"How can you know that?" Her words came brokenly.

"Because I know you." Hoping he wasn't going to far, he cupped her face in his hands, gently using his thumbs to wipe the tears from her cheeks. "I never would have vowed to stand beside you if I truly thought you were capable of something like what Ransom did."

"Chakotay…" More tears spilled over at the tenderness in his voice, and she felt a rush of long buried emotions surging up at his closeness, and at the love that even after what she had done was still shining in his eyes.

"You just got lost for a little while." He patiently wiped these tears away as well. "But you found your way back."

She reached up with one hand, lightly tracing her fingertips over the back of one of the hands he still cupped to her cheek. "Thanks to you. I don't know what I would do without you."

He kissed her lightly on the forehead, hearing her double meaning. "You'll never have to find out."

That got a small smile from her, that slightly crooked one that reached her eyes and she rarely gave to anyone but him. Rising up on her toes, she kissed him just as lightly on the cheek, then allowed herself to sink back into the comfort of his embrace.

She asked herself at least once a week what she had done to deserve the loyalty, and love, of such an amazing man.

And, also weekly, she promised herself that one day she would take him up on everything he had ever tried to offer her. _One day. _

For now they held each other, and it was enough.

FIN


	7. Time

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. I am writing for fun, and to relieve the extreme disappointment felt by so many fans over how the series ended, of course.

Episode: Resolutions (S2 E25)

AN: For e. bln, who didn't know they were requesting a Resolutions fic when they asked for this prompt. Much like my main fic based off that episode, I'll try to keep this different from all the other Resolutions fics out there. Set during the infamous 30 hours, and more angsty than most of the other short stories here. Cause I've already written Resolutions with a happy ending, and decided this time to keep it cannon friendly. Plus apparently my muse was feeling angsty. Sorry.

* * *

Prompt: She couldn't decide if she wished they'd had more or less.

* * *

Time

By Lady Callista

=/\=

It was sometime before dawn when she woke for what she thought was the sixth time. It might have been the seventh.

The first time, she had felt like she had barely fallen asleep when she awoke. She had been laying in bed for hours before that, her mind too crammed and her emotions running too high to allow the escape of sleep.

When she finally had fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion, she had dreamed not unexpectedly of the moment that she had been dwelling on in the hours before.

She and Chakotay were sitting at the kitchen table, the communicator that had gone silent only seconds before still sitting in her hand. Tuvok's words still echoed in their ears.

And that was where things shifted.

In reality, they had sat for nearly a minute before either said anything, upon which Chakotay had mumbled that they better start packing and vanished into his bedroom area. They had barely spoken from the time of that hail until they went to sleep, each quietly packing and lost in their own thoughts.

Whereas in her dreams his hand had landed on her shoulder, and her own had come up to grip his tightly. And then she had been in his arms, and they were clinging to each other as each tried to process the sense of loss. The loss of something that would now have to end before it had ever really begun. And then in the way of dreams they were suddenly kissing.

That was the first time she had woken this night. Her fingers had slid up to brush over her trembling lips, and she could swear that she could still taste his kiss. And could admit in the tiniest corner of her mind that she almost wished that was how it had happened.

She had finally gotten back to sleep, and then awoke a second time, this time having dreamed that _Voyager_ had returned with a cure after only a week. They hadn't had time to get close, had barely stopped acting like colleagues.

It had been wonderful in the dream, but once awake caused Kathryn to turn over restlessly in bed, her mind and heart both rejecting the scenario. Rejecting it because then she wouldn't have had the time to get to know Chakotay on such a personal level, wouldn't have had the carefree weeks at the end where for the first time in two years she could be only a woman. She wouldn't have memories of quiet dinners together, or laying side by side looking at the stars. She wouldn't have opened herself up on a personal level, told him stories of Indiana, or of her parents and sister. She wouldn't know the stories he had told her about his own sister, or any of his favorite memories of growing up. She wouldn't have the moment of pure joy on his face when she had exclaimed over the bathtub he made for her. And she wouldn't remember how his hands had felt on her shoulders, or how her heart had melted as he invented a story for her.

But then it wouldn't hurt so much to leave, and she wouldn't miss something she had never had.

The third time she woke, the dream had been in the opposite direction. _Voyager _had never returned, and their relationship had progressed sweetly and slowly. That time, she had woken from the dream as they were making love for the first time. Woken more aroused and breathless than she could remember being in years, instinctively reaching for him before remembering the truth. It had taken her a long time to fall back to sleep after that one.

The fourth time she had woken she had dreamed they were together back on the real Earth. And the fifth time that they had never been stranded on New Earth. By the sixth time her subconscious had reverted back to what might have happened right after Tuvok's communication, and the seventh had been back to them making love.

It was the seventh time she had woken from sleep, and as each dream had taken her thoughts in new directions and made it even more difficult to get back to sleep, she doubted she had slept for more than two hours all night.

She was about to try and sleep once last time when she heard movement on the other side of the cabin, soft rustlings that lasted for less than a minute before she heard the door open and then close again a second later.

It was close to dawn, and she knew exactly what he was doing and where he was going. There was a beautiful spot down by the river, with an amazing view of the sunrise. He had confessed just last week that he often went there to watch the sunrise, and just two days ago had woken her before dawn and invited her to join him. She had stood with her hand in his, their breath lightly misting in the chill morning air, and watched the sky bleed and burn with shifting colors.

He had almost kissed her then, but something in her eyes had stopped him, and he had simply slid his arm around her and started to walk back towards the cabin. She didn't know what had been in her eyes, but she wished now that it hadn't been.

There was no way she was sleeping again, knowing that in dreams she would either lose these past twelve weeks or gain memories of passion and intimacy that had never happened.

With a deep sigh, she rose from bed, pulling her robe on over her nightgown before padding barefoot to the door and moving quietly down towards the river.

She was certain he heard her as she approached, but he didn't react other than to unclasp his hands from behind his back and leave them hanging loosely at his sides. Taking what she hoped was an invitation, she moved up quietly to stand beside him and take his hand.

They watched the sunrise in silence, and it wasn't until it was fully over the horizon that he turned towards her, his free hand coming up to wipe a few tears from her cheeks she hadn't even been aware of.

"Tears are for after, they just waste time before."

She turned towards him at his softly spoken words, taking a deep breath as she laid her free hand on his chest. "I don't know if I'm happy or sad. If this had happened weeks ago it would have been so much easier, but then I think of all those moments we wouldn't have had. And I almost wish we didn't have them because they make this so much harder, but I value what we've shared at the same time, and…"

Chakotay quieted her ramblings by placing his fingers lightly over her lips. Even as her eyes widened he was speaking gently. "We can wish all we want for things to be different, but that's just a waste of time and energy. We've got about ten hours left here, and we got most of the packing done yesterday. How do you want to spend this last day?"

Kathryn gazed up into his eyes as his fingers fell from her lips, and without conscious thought started to lean into him. His grip on her hand tightened even as his fingers returned to her lips.

"Not if it's going to stay here." Chakotay couldn't prevent the pain from entering his voice. "I can't… I can't let this happen if we're going to lose it in ten hours."

More tears slid down her cheeks, although the logical part of her understood and even agreed with him. She was going to have enough regrets as it was. Then she remembered his earlier words, and brushed the tears away impatiently even as she took a small step back from him. Ten more hours. Ten more hours of memories to cherish in the late hours of the night, when she lay alone in her dark quarters. When she fell asleep dreaming he was beside her even though he never could be.

She put it all away, shoved it into a compartment she knew would fly open the first time she was alone in her quarters. But it would stay locked for the next ten hours, and that had to be enough because she couldn't have more.

Kathryn drew in a deep breath of the cool morning air. "You mentioned the other morning that you wanted to have a picnic here."

Chakotay smiled softly, the pain gone from his face and voice for the moment. And she knew that just like her he would be alone the next time he let himself feel it. "That's a great idea."

His words echoed in her thoughts as they walked back to the house, hands still clasped together.

_Tears are for after, they only waste time before. _

She had ten more hours of before, and she was going to enjoy every second of them. And when she cried, she would cry alone.

FIN


	8. Prince

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. The storyline belongs to me, not that they would want it.

Episode: The Q and the Grey (S3, E11)

AN: Because there had to be some humor after the last chapter. This is one of very few fics in this series that I can't really see happening, but the idea just came to me and wouldn't leave. I blame the fact that I watched TNG's "Qpid" yesterday. Enjoy.

* * *

Prompt: Of all the words and titles ever used to describe him, this was decidedly the oddest.

* * *

Prince

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"He wants to mate with me." Although she said the words matter-of-factly, some of her exasperation and incredulity showed through.

"I see." His words were soft, measured, contrasted by half a dozen emotions flickering over his face too fast to read.

"Obviously it's out of the question, and I suspect it's a smokescreen knowing Q." She couldn't quite keep her voice steady, and couldn't look at him. "Knowing Q, he's probably got some hidden agenda."

"Maybe."

She couldn't figure out how to describe his tone of voice as he said that simple word, but she could see the conflict on his face as she looked up, and she leaned up from her desk enough to put her hand gently on his arm. "Chakotay…"

"I know I don't have any right to feel this way, but this bothers the hell out of me."

She smiled even as she rose fully, moving closer to him. "You've got more of a right than anyone else."

"Kathryn…" His hand came up to cover her cheek, and their lips had just met in a kiss when a flash of light announced the arrival of…

"Having pleasant dreams, Kathy?"

Kathryn Janeway snapped from sound asleep to wide awake before the flash of light had faded from her bedroom.. "Go away, Q."

"Still sleeping alone I see." Q said smoothly, reclining back on her bed even as she leapt out of it and into her robe, ordering the computer to turn on the lights to full.

"Q, you're supposed to be looking after your son, not bothering me."

"Oh, he's with his mother." Q waved a hand in dismissal. "She was actually rather upset with me for bringing him here to show off, and not thanking you properly for your help."

Kathryn held up a hand as he moved towards her. "I don't need your thanks, all I really want is…"

"So I got to thinking, just what could I do for Aunt Kathy to show her how much I appreciate what she did." Q continued to talk over her. "And then I thought about what you said earlier when you so heartlessly rejected me, about how it wasn't because there was someone else. It's really not right for you to be alone, so I figured…"

"Q." She finally cut him off. "The only thing I want less than you is for you to hook me up with someone else."

"Well I didn't mean just anyone." Q smirked and snapped his fingers.

When the flash of light cleared, a confused-looking Chakotay stood in the middle of her bedroom.

"Kathryn, what…." Chakotay's confusion switched to anger as he heard Q's voice come from behind him.

"I don't really know what you see in him, but if the dream you were just having is any indication, well then…"

"Q!" Kathryn snapped, cheeks flushing. "My personal life is none of your business. Leave!"

"But you need someone in your life, Kathy. Someone to love you, and take care of you, and…"

Chakotay had rounded on him by this point as well, his glare matching the captain's. "She asked you to leave."

"Oh, fine, fine." Q huffed. "You don't need a man." He snapped his fingers and an apple appeared in her hand. She looked at it in confusion. "Well, let's see you get out of this…" He snapped his fingers again and suddenly she was taking a bite out of the apple. "Without one." Her eyes widened for a second in understanding, and then she collapsed.

Chakotay caught her instinctively as her eyes rolled back and she dropped to the ground.

"Q!" He bellowed. "What did you do?"

Q only smirked. "A favor. Now, repeat after me…" He snapped his fingers again and vanished in a flash of light, his parting words echoing through the room. "Once upon a time…"

Chakotay filed away everything he had heard since appearing in the room, but focused his attention on the limp figure in his arms. "Kathryn." His hand went immediately to her neck, and he breathed a slight sigh of relief when he found a strong and steady pulse. But she appeared to be unconscious.

"Chakotay to Transporter Room One. Medical emergency. Transport myself and the captain directly to Sickbay."

=/\=

Nearly an hour later, the senior staff gathered for an emergency meeting led by a very frustrated and angry Chakotay.

Chakotay explained what had happened as exactly as he could remember, summing up with the fact that as far as all the doctor's reading showed she was asleep.

"But he can't wake her up?" B'Elanna asked at once.

"No, nothing works." Chakotay huffed.

"Commander, what were Q's last words again?" Tom piped up, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Once upon a time." Chakotay quoted. "Which makes no sense at all."

"Maybe it does." Tom replied. "Lots of classic European fairy tales start with that phrase. Well, they didn't originally, but it became a standard around…"

"Paris!"

"The point is, you said that Q said he wanted to see her get out of this problem without help." Tom went on. "Without… without a man. Several of the more famous fairy tales are about a princess who needs a prince to rescue her from something or other."

"You said Q forced her to bite an apple before she collapsed." Tuvok questioned, and when Chakotay nodded he ordered, "Computer, access the literary database for Earth, European fairy tales. Search for stories relating to an apple and an unnatural sleep."

"One entry matching parameters." The computer responded after a moment.

"Summarize with relevance to the apple!" Chakotay ordered.

"Snow White, published in 1812 by the Grimm Brothers. Snow White bites into a poisoned apple and falls into a sleep resembling death. She is revived when jostled, causing the piece of apple to fall from her mouth."

Chakotay slammed a fist down on the table in frustration. "The doctor would have noted if there was a piece of apple in her throat, and she tested negative for all known poisons."

Tom gestured for patience. "Computer, search Earth's complete literary and media library for all versions of Snow White. Are there any versions where the apple doesn't simply fall from her mouth?" There was a twinkle in his eyes that said he already knew the answer.

"Affirmative. Many versions from the 20th century feature a prince who revives her with a kiss."

B'Elanna let out a snort of amusement before she could stop herself, but other than that the room fell deathly silent.

The silence was broken by Chakotay's harsh growl, "The next time Q shows up, I'm going to kill him."

Tuvok's eyebrows rose at that, but he refrained from pointing out the impossibility of that act.

"But first you need to go kiss the princess." Tom managed to keep his voice neutral, although his lips twitched from the effort.

Chakotay's gaze snapped to him, and Tom raised both his hands in innocence. "For whatever reason, we have to assume from the fact that Q brought you there that you're the one he intended to help her. I suppose we could just get every guy on the ship to try, but…"

He fell silent as Chakotay growled. "Report to your stations. Maintain yellow alert, and inform the crew that Q's back. I… I'll be in Sickbay."

The First Officer stalked from the room before anyone else could comment.

He was still stalking when he entered Sickbay.

"Ah, Commander. I've still been unable to…"

"Computer, deactivate the EMH and override his ability to reactivate himself. Also lock Sickbay doors. Authorization Chakotay delta-nine-seven-three."

The computer acknowledged, the Doctor faded away sputtering protests, and only then did he walk slowly over towards the biobed holding his captain. For several minutes he could do nothing but stare down at her as his mind raced.

It was only a kiss. He supposed he should be grateful Q hadn't known of a fairy tale where the prince had to make love to the princess or something else equally insane. It was just a simple kiss, and it wasn't exactly like he was repulsed by the idea of kissing her.

He had thought about it before, even dreamed about it.

But not like this. Not when Q had forced the situation, and especially when she wasn't able to say yes or no. The entire senior staff knowing just made it worse. It was supposed to be special, and romantic, and…

He had the irreverent thought that if this worked, Tom would never let him forget it. Not that he would be likely to anyway.

He stood there for another endless moment, staring down at her, caught up by her beauty even with the situation being what it was. The Doctor had laid her hands over her stomach, and without thought he rested one of his hands on hers, speaking softly even though he doubted she could hear him.

"So we think we figured out how to wake you up Kathryn. It seems like Q recreated part of an old fairy tale, and well, the only way to wake the princess up is for the prince to kiss her. I'd be lying if I said no part of me wanted to do this, but… but I never wanted it to be like this. If I ever got to kiss you, I wanted it to be because you wanted to as much as I did. So, well, I'm sorry."

Chakotay took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second, then leaned over the bed, letting his fingers run lightly through her hair as he laid his lips on hers.

Her lips were warm and soft, and the sweet scent of her from this close almost overwhelmed all the careful walls he had built up over the past year. Her lips were still however, and he was just about to pull back wondering what was wrong when suddenly she was kissing him back.

The walls shattered.

Chakotay felt his heart start pounding as her lips began to move under his, and the hand that had been trailing through her hair slid up to cup her cheek. He felt her own hands begin to move under the one he had resting on them, and an instant or a lifetime later she had laced her fingers through his and tilted her head enough to deepen the kiss.

"Chakotay…" Her voice came in a breathless whisper as they finally separated just enough to draw breath, and she let her eyes flutter open to stare into the warm coffee-colored eyes that were boring into her own, love and desire evident in the gaze.

There was a long beat of silence as they simply looked into each other's eyes from inches away, and she saw the instant that he pulled his mind back to the present and forced the emotions back from his eyes.

He pulled back physically at the same time, hand sliding off her cheek as he straightened up. But when he tried to slide his other hand away from hers she gripped it tightly.

Kathryn sat up, the love that he hoped he hadn't imagined fading from her eyes as anger filled her face.

He was about to speak, about to try and explain, when she held up her free hand in a gesture of silence. She took a deep breath, then said softly, "I could hear everything said while I was sleeping. I heard what you said before you… We'll talk about it, I promise. For now though," Her voice rose, and the anger he had seen on her face exploded out. "Q!"

Q appeared in his standard flash of light. "You called, princess?"

She dropped Chakotay's hand then, deliberately swung her legs off of the bed, hopped down and stalked towards Q. "Snow White?" She obviously knew the story, as the title had not been spoken within her hearing. "After what we went through in the Continuum? After what you've seen of my personality? You really view me as some helpless princess?"

"Oh, of course not." Q snapped impatiently. "No more than I viewed Jean-Luc as a heroic vigilante."

Kathryn blinked in confusion.

Q waved it aside. "The point, Kathy, was the situation. I once put Jean-Luc and his crew into a much more _complete_ situation, for very much the same reason. You see, there was this girl that he didn't want to admit he had feelings for, and…"

"And you just had to stick your nose into it." Kathryn interrupted heatedly. "Let me explain something to you Q, something I'm fairly certain Captain Picard probably said to you as well if you did something like this to him: I don't want to play your games. I don't want you to interfere in my personal life! What is or is not between Chakotay and myself has nothing to do with you. You said you were doing us a _favor, _but what you did was the exact opposite, Q. You forced us, forced him to do something he wouldn't have otherwise done."

"Oh, ridiculous." Q huffed. "I heard his words as well as you did. You know that he wanted to…"

"You don't understand, Q." Chakotay's voice was quietly deadly, a sharp contrast to Kathryn's heated anger. "I'm not sure you're capable of understanding. You have no impulse control, no understanding of waiting for a proper time and place. If you want something, you just take it." His eyes flicked to Kathryn and the corner of his mouth rose in a slight smile. "Or at least you try to. But humans don't always work that way."

"Which is just stupid." Q replied. "You're mortal. If you're lucky you live a hundred years, why would you wait for something you want?"

Chakotay took a deep breath. He really didn't want to say this to Q, who probably wouldn't understand anyway, but knowing that Kathryn was listening as well he couldn't be anything less than honest. They had never actually discussed it before, but they both knew where they stood. "Kathryn knows how I feel about her, but she knows just like I do that the two of us being in a relationship while in command of this ship is probably a bad idea. Yes, you're right about what I want, but there's something else I want more. I want us to get back to Earth, and until we do everything else is secondary. She's the captain, and she needs me to be her first officer, even her friend, but not her lover."

"And you're prepared to live that way for 70 years?" Q said incredulously even as he spun on Kathryn. "You're not getting any younger, Kathy. I asked you just the other day about home, family, love, children. You said you wanted that. Are you really prepared to give that up? To lose a chance with someone you actually do want just because it might make things a little more complicated?"

"Either way, Q, it's my choice!" Kathryn snapped. "This has nothing to do with you. Look, I… I appreciate what you tried to do. I accept your thanks, and the favor that you tried to do me. Now please just leave."

Q threw his hands up in exasperation. "Fine. Fine. See if I ever try to do a favor for you again." And he vanished in a flash of light.

"I sincerely hope that you don't." Kathryn said softly, taking a deep breath before turning to face Chakotay, holding up a finger to delay him from speaking. "Janeway to Bridge."

"Bridge here, Captain." Tuvok's voice came through. "May we assume the situation with Q has been resolved?"

"Affirmative. Stand down yellow alert, and anyone who's supposed to be off-duty right now can go relax." Kathryn replied. "Janeway out."

"Captain…"

"Not here, Chakotay." She said softly, heading for the door only to stop short when it didn't open.

"Ah, sorry about that." Chakotay said sheepishly, ordering the computer to unlock the doors and reactivate the doctor.

"Commander, why did you…" The Doctor came online fuming, then noticed that the biobed that had held the captain was empty and she was standing by the door. "How did you manage to…"

"Later, Doctor. Good night."

The Doctor was still sputtering when the doors closed.

Silence reigned supreme as they traveled from Sickbay to their quarters on Deck 3, and when they came to her door she gestured him in.

Without thought he crossed to the couch and collapsed onto it where she joined him without hesitation.

"Think it's possible for a human to kill a Q? Without being in the Continuum with their weapons obviously." Chakotay tried to inject some brevity into the situation.

Kathryn chuckled humorlessly. "I think if it was Jean-Luc Picard would have done it by now. I'll have to compare notes with him when we get home."

"Do you think Q's really gone?" Chakotay asked.

"I can only hope." She sighed. "Chakotay, Q was obviously wrong in what he did, but I do actually believe him that he was trying to do me a favor."

"Strangely enough I believe it as well." Chakotay's sigh echoed hers. "But he really doesn't understand things if he thinks us being together would only make things 'a little more complicated.'"

"Oh, it would make things a hell of a lot more complicated." Kathryn said wryly. "Which is why I tried to never think about it, because there's nothing I like more than eliminating complications."

His eyes flicked to her in shock, his voice carefully neutral. "And now that you're thinking about it?"

"Q was wrong about something." Her voice was soft, thoughtful. "We're not in a relationship the way he would define it, but we're not alone either. You said once that I was your peace, well, you're my strength. What we already have between us…"

"Kathryn, I'm not naïve enough to think nothing would change if we were in a relationship, but I think we could both handle it." His voice was as soft as her own, his eyes shimmering slightly from her last words. "I think we're both mature enough to at least try, especially if we take it slowly."

"One of my biggest fears is that if we try this and it doesn't work I'll lose my best friend." She confessed. "Not to mention my first officer."

"That would never happen."

The frightening thing was, she knew he meant it. If they tried for a romantic relationship and it didn't work out, he would bury all his pain and still be there for her when she needed him. It was just how he was made. "One day at a time, and I can't promise…"

The love and hope that had been slowly building in his eyes suddenly burned. "No promises. Except for this one: Whatever happens, I won't let it interfere with our duty, or our friendship. Your needs still come first, they always will."

She flashed him a smile. "One day we may look back on today and realize Q really did do us a favor. Although I do wish I had been awake the first time you kissed me."

His dimples flashed in return and he took her hand, thumb brushing over knuckles as he remembered that glorious moment. "You were awake by the end of it."

She leaned closer, her smile turning sultry. "That's true. And of course… that was the first time you kissed me. There's always the first time I kiss you."

Chakotay's eyes widened as she leaned into him, and this time it was Kathryn who closed the distance between their lips.

FIN


	9. Fear

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. I am writing for fun, and to relieve the extreme disappointment felt by so many fans over how the series ended, of course.

Episode: The Fight (S5 E19)

AN: For e. bln, who asked for this one. I'm getting to the other requested ones as fast as I can, but part of it does depend on what I'm in the mood to write. This was very enjoyable for me, I think partly because I can't recall ever reading a fic based off of "The Fight," although I'm sure they're out there. And it's my first try at writing a fic where Chakotay isn't the strong one. Reviews are greatly appreciated as always.

And with this one, I'm 1/3 of the way done with this series. Oh, and a few of you may have noticed that chapter 1 had been edited, a few of the prompts replaced by others. I've had a few people actually give me more prompts in case I wanted to do more, and I used them to replace a few of my least favorite ones, ones that upon reflection I either just didn't like or couldn't think of a story for. (I sort-of had ideas for all of them before I posted them, but a few just haven't worked out.)

* * *

Prompt: She hadn't meant to hurt him. Sometimes she forgot how sensitive the former Maquis captain was underneath all his strength.

* * *

Fear

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Kathryn rang his door chime a little while before they were due on the bridge. She wanted to see how he was doing after everything that he had gone through the day before, and thought that a quick breakfast would be the perfect time.

After a brief period without an answer, Kathryn frowned. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

She tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Chakotay."

Slightly concerned now, although he had seemed fine the night before when they talked after everything was over, she tapped her override code into the door panel and hesitantly entered his quarters. "Chakotay?"

She heard a sound coming from the bedroom and raised her voice, "Chakotay, are you okay?"

There was a harsh scoffing sound, followed by a single choked word. "No."

Kathryn sprinted across the main area to the bedroom, about to call the doctor. The words died on her lips as she saw him at the foot of his bed. He sat on the floor in nothing by the shorts she had seen him boxing in, knees drawn up to his chest, arms locked around his legs. His face was hidden by his limbs, and his entire body was trembling.

She went to him at once, falling to her knees beside him and putting her arms around him without thought. She knew at once this wasn't anything the doctor could fix, and cursed for the umpteenth time that there wasn't a counselor on the ship.

His trembling actually increased slightly when her arms wrapped around him, and she could hear that he was crying softly.

"Chakotay, it's okay." She whispered softly as her hands stroked over his back, trying to sooth him. "I'm here, it's okay."

His arms locked around her like a lifeline for a second, his body turning into hers. Then he jerked back. "How do I know you're really here?"

Her eyes filled at the pain in his voice. "Chakotay, it's over." She kept her arms around him even though he was now tenser than before. "The gene is fully suppressed. You're not going to have to go through what your grandfather did."

His head snapped up, and the anger in his eyes was a sharp contrast to the tears still glistening on his cheeks. "I did go through it." He pulled away from her sharply and rose to pace the room. "All those voices, inside my head, and everyone looking at me like I was crazy. I couldn't understand, half the time I didn't even know what I was doing, what they wanted, but I could hear them, and I didn't know why I could hear them, but I knew that hearing them meant I was going crazy like grandpa, but I kept hearing your voice, and you were telling me I had to try, and I knew I had to do it for you, but I was so scared, and I didn't know what was going on, and…"

Kathryn jerked as he spun and rammed his fist into the nearest bulkhead as he uttered an oath. She was on her feet in a flash, grabbing his arm before he could do it again and hurt himself.

He twisted towards her, and for an instant she thought that he might strike her instead of the wall. She braced herself, but refused to lose eye contact or back away. She said his name softly, evenly, and watched horror fill his eyes even through the anger as his hand dropped to his side.

Then all the anger melted away and he was crying again and clutching her against him. Kathryn wrapped her arms around his back, a few tears escaping her own eyes to fall against his warm chest.

It truly registered for the first time that he was shirtless, that they were in his bedroom, and just how incredibly outside of parameters this was, but the thoughts evaporated even as they occurred. She was his best friend and he needed her right now.

Several minutes passed, and she heard him start to speak brokenly. She strained to understand what he was saying.

"I thought I was okay last night. I went boxing, like I told you I was going to, and that was fine. I didn't have to think about anything. I could just block it all. Then I got back to my quarters, and when I tried to sleep I had a nightmare. I was crazy again, and when I woke up I didn't know if I was really awake, I wasn't sure what was real. I was… I was afraid to go back to sleep."

"You should have called me." It hurt something inside her when she thought of him huddled alone in the dark all night, his worst fear coming to life.

"I couldn't." The words were the barest whisper.

After all the times he had been there for her, she wished he could have let her return the favor. But at the same time she thought she understood why he hadn't. She remembered what he had said about doing it for _her_, because she had asked. She certainly hadn't thought about it that way at the time, but she felt a mix of shame and horror as something became clear. "I'm so sorry." The pain was evident in her voice. "I didn't think… Chakotay, I… I wasn't trying to use your feelings against you. I would have asked the same thing of anyone if they were in that situation, but I…"

He pulled back then, but only enough to see her face. Trembling fingers traced over her cheek, and both were so in the moment that they didn't even think about parameters. "If you hadn't said what you did, I couldn't have done it." His eyes were bright with the beginnings of tears again, but there was something else in them she couldn't place. "I'm not mad at you, Kathryn. I was the only one who could save the ship, and I, I don't feel like you used me. We both did what we had to do."

"Then why…"

"Because I'm supposed to help you with your burdens, not add to them. I almost failed you. I _am _failing you now, crying in your arms like a…" The anguish in his voice was palpable, choking off when the computer beeped.

"Bridge to the captain."

Kathryn watched as he released her and crossed the room, dropping onto the bed with his head in his hands. She tapped her combadge automatically. "Janeway here."

"Is everything alright, Captain?" Tuvok's voice was neutral. "Alpha shift started ten minutes ago."

Kathryn realized with shock that the emotions on Chakotay's face, those she hadn't been able to place because she had never seen them in his eyes before, were a combination of shame and self-loathing. That revelation still flowing through her, she answered Tuvok without hesitation. "Sorry, something has come up that requires my attention. Can you take the bridge this shift?"

"Of course, Captain. Tuvok out."

Face still in his hands, Chakotay mumbled half-heartedly, "You should go."

Knowing he didn't really mean it, Kathryn crossed the room to sit beside him. "You didn't fail me. You're not now… you never have. Chakotay, what you did yesterday was one of the bravest things I've ever seen, and if anything, I failed you in not realizing how much it hurt you to do it. Our friendship isn't a one way street. I'm here for you in the same way you've always been there for me. Just tell me what you need."

He let out a harsh chuckle. "You really shouldn't say that right now."

She slide closer, putting one arm around him while the other came to rest lightly on his thigh. She knew exactly what he meant with his last statement, but in this exact moment nothing mattered to her except being there for him. Helping however she could. Regulations and tomorrows could go to hell. "What do you need?"

His one hand came down to grip the one she had rested on his leg tightly. "Something I can never have while we're on _Voyager_." The room was silent for a moment, and then his voice came again softly. "Right this second though, I think what I need most is sleep. I'm exhausted. But I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid to… to be alone."

Even as broken as he was at the moment, he didn't push her. She read the undercurrents in his tone, knew what he meant by his last statement but even now wouldn't say. She was once again stunned by how amazing a man he was, and wondered what she had ever done to deserve his loyalty. And his love, which although unspoken was always there waiting for her to accept.

She made a decision that was both one of the easiest and hardest she had ever made. "Then you won't be alone."

She slid her hands away from him and bent to take off her boots. Her uniform jacket came next, and she felt him watching with wide eyes as the turtleneck followed.

"You're sure I'm not still crazy?" He couldn't help the words that slipped out, even though he knew and accepted what she was, and wasn't, offering. Conflicting emotions swirled through him; disbelief, amazement, trepidation, desire, relief, and more, but over it all an overwhelming sense of gratitude.

She had understood what he hadn't even now been willing to say, and although she had never allowed this type of closeness for her own benefit she was apparently willing to allow it for his sake. Gratitude didn't even begin to cover it, and he knew she could see that in his eyes, mixed with the love that at this moment he was too weak to hide.

"Let's just leave this out of the official report." She tried to lighten the mood, her eyes acknowledging what she saw in his eyes but couldn't respond to.

He smiled briefly, the first real smile she had seen since she entered the room. Then he glanced hesitantly down, seeming to realize for the first time that he was in nothing but his workout shorts. He almost got up to at least put a shirt on, but she didn't seem bothered by his state of undress, and he was loath to put even so thin a barrier between them considering the ones she had just temporarily removed.

Still not looking at her, Chakotay slid back on the bed, pulling the covers up to cover his chest even as she rose from the bed.

Taking a deep breath, Kathryn remembered to grab her communicator off of her jacket, circling the bed to set it on the bedside table before getting into the bed beside him.

There was a beat of extreme awkwardness, partially due she knew to her feelings of how wrong, but just how right, this was at the same time. She knew he was probably feeling something similar; she could see on his face how much he wanted to hold her and how nervous he was even at this point that she would pull away.

Suddenly the smile that she shared with no one but him came to her face, and she was the one who closed the distance between them. She rested her hand against his chest for a moment in a gesture that was almost automatic after this many years, and this time his smile was full-blown. The awkwardness vanished.

They both felt the spark at the contact, and both ignored it with the ease of long practice. This was about friendship, and comfort, and making sure it stayed that way was the only way this could happen at all. She ignored the voice in her head that said it shouldn't be happening even for those reasons.

She slid down, allowing her head to rest on his chest as she felt his arms slide around her. There was a slight awkwardness again, but this one had nothing to do with who they were or the feelings they had been suppressing for so long, it was the simple awkwardness of two people who had never slept together both trying to attain comfortable positions.

Kathryn let out a soft sigh when they were finally cuddled together comfortably. As much as she could honestly say that this moment was for and about him, within her own mind she would not deny how long she had wanted the very comfort she was now offering him. Nor could she deny how safe and content she felt in his arms. For the first time in over five years, she felt like she was home.

She pushed that dangerous thought aside, knowing she would analyze it later and that it might make it harder in the future to keep her priorities straight. She also knew she would cherish this moment, and never regret it. "Good night, Chakotay."

His arms tightened around her briefly, and she could hear his heartbeat slow even as he dropped a feather light kiss on her forehead.

"Kathryn… Thank you." He knew the words were inadequate, but there was nothing else he could say in that moment, and he knew she would understand what he couldn't say.

She squeezed the hand that was linked with her own at her waist, laying quietly in his arms as she heard his breathing slow and he drifted off to sleep.

Once she was certain he was asleep, she dropped a light kiss on his chest and whispered three words she could never say to him as long as they were in the Delta Quadrant. Enveloped in his warmth, and the slightly musky scent that had driven her crazy for years now, Kathryn drifted into a light sleep. The last thought that flitted through her mind was that she couldn't remember the last time she had felt this at peace.

FIN


	10. Control

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. Although I do hope I'm making lots of shippers a little bit happier.

Episode: Repression (S7 E4)

AN: Because although it could be as simple as "I thought you might want your ship back," and the two statements that follow, this is just one of those situations that was begging for a longer scene. The title for this prompt was originally "War" and it was going to go with the episode "Hunters," but I had to rework some things when I had a better idea for the "Hunters" fic. But I didn't want to give up this prompt, so I reworked it. I hope everyone enjoys.

* * *

Prompt: She knows she can't relate to his past, but she tries to help him live in the present as best she can.

* * *

Control

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"Enter." Kathryn rose from where she was sprawled on her couch as her chime rang. She was unsurprised when it was Chakotay who entered. "You didn't want to stay for the double feature either?"

He chuckled softly at the wry question, but stood awkwardly just inside her door. "Not really. B'Elanna warned me that in her experience the sequels are almost always worse than the first movie, and that was bad enough."

She gave him her standard half-grin. "It really was, wasn't it? I think I lost the plotline about halfway through."

"I'm not certain there was one." He tried to force an amused tone into his voice, and could tell by her face that she saw right through him. "Captain, I…"

"Have a seat." She interrupted as she crossed in front of him to the replicator. "Can I get you anything? I was thinking of having some wine, or maybe something stronger. I need to get the taste of that popped-corn out of my mouth."

His laugh was still soft, but more genuine this time. "I think it's called popcorn. And actually, wine sounds good." He crossed over towards the viewports and took a seat in the chair.

She returned with two glasses of one of their favorite reds, handing him one as she resumed her place on the couch before raising her glass in a toast. Her voice was teasing. "To having my ship back."

His cheeks heated and he looked away, trying again. "Captain, I…"

"Chakotay." Her voice was gentle. "I was only teasing. You've already apologized, which was unnecessary as it wasn't your fault."

He couldn't meet her eyes, and the hand that wasn't holding his wine reached up to tap his temple. "I know that, up here. But here…" His hand moved to his heart. "Here all I can think about is what would have happened if Tuvok hadn't been able to break the brainwashing. And I know it's not _logical_ but I keep thinking that if he could, why couldn't I?"

"Because you don't have decades of Vulcan mental training?" She offered easily, wishing that he would look at her.

"I wish I could tell you that part of me was still there fighting for control, trying to stop what I was doing." Chakotay admitted softly. "I wish I could tell myself that somehow I would have broken through before… But there was nothing of who I've become in the past six years. All the anger was back, and it was even worse than before I met you. The peace… the peace that you… that I've found here on _Voyager_ was just gone."

"And even then you didn't hurt anyone unnecessarily." Kathryn said softly as she reached out to put a hand on his knee. "Even with all that anger, you didn't torture or kill…"

"I almost killed you!" His head snapped around, pain cracking in his voice.

"No." She shook her head softly, compassion in her eyes. "You knew the phaser wouldn't work. I'll admit I didn't see through it like Tuvok did; I really did think I was going to die. And even in what I thought would be my last second, I didn't blame you."

She saw the tortured look in his eyes before he looked away from her again. "I think Teero wanted us to kill all the Starfleet personnel, but my mind didn't work that way. Starfleet officers don't fear death. I remember my thoughts so clearly. I knew that the worst possible thing to do to you was to strand you on a planet somewhere, knowing that you had failed your crew. Knowing that you would never get back to Earth. Death would have been a quick end, instead I wanted everyone to suffer. To know how we felt when we knew we would never see our homes again. To know how it felt to be betrayed and alone."

A single tear slid down her cheek, and she brushed it away before he could notice. The pain in his voice was almost unbearable, and without thinking about it she slid off the couch to kneel at his feet, placing both her hands on his knee this time. "You're right, that would have been the worst thing you could do to us… to me." Her voice was surprisingly steady, and he turned to look at her with tears flowing silently down his cheeks. "And I still wouldn't have blamed you. Chakotay, I trusted you from almost the very first time I met you. If I had known back then that Tuvok was making a training program to deal with an attempted mutiny, I would have told him to erase it. I may not always agree with your advice or ideas, and I know I questioned your loyalty when we were fighting about who to make Chief Engineer, but I was never afraid of a mutiny. I knew that wasn't the kind of person you were. I know the answer to this, but maybe you need to hear yourself say it out loud. Not counting today, when it was Teero and not really you, did you ever consider leading an armed mutiny to have the Maquis take over the ship?"

"Of course not." He snapped. "In fact I once threatened to throw a few of them in the brig when they suggested it to me. The closest I've ever come to mutiny was when we were in the void and that wasn't about Starfleet vs. Maquis, that was about saving you from yourself and your own guilt. And I'm not sure that would even count, cause mutiny is actually trying to take over the ship. You were trying to give it to me and I was refusing."

She chuckled as some of the pain melted from his eyes. "Well technically, the definition of mutiny is simply a group organized to oppose, change, or overthrow their leadership, although you're correct that most of the time it's the second or third option. And that's never been what you wanted. I know how hard you worked to integrate our two crews into one, and I know what we've accomplished would have been damn near impossible if you weren't the kind of man that you are. Even when you still had all that anger in you, you gave me your loyalty and your support."

Chakotay brushed away the tears he hadn't even realized were trailing down his cheeks before hesitantly resting his hands over her own, which were still on his knee. "And today I ruined all of that."

"Today wasn't you, Chakotay. What happened today wasn't caused by my best friend, by a man I've come to admire and trust more than I've ever trusted anyone in my life. It wasn't caused by the angry man I met six years ago, or even the bitter and disillusioned one who resigned from Starfleet and joined a resistance movement. It was caused by Teero, and he's gone now."

He wanted to look away again, but something in her eyes wouldn't let him. Her words, that she trusted him more than anyone in her life, were a balm to his wounded heart. "I worked so hard to bury my anger, even harder to finally release it. And in one moment it all came shooting back. I feel like it's so close to the surface now, like all the peace and contentment I found is just gone. I don't know how to get it back."

She rose higher on her knees to place a hand over his heart, not realizing that she was putting herself between his legs by doing so. "Start by letting your heart agree with your head. Today wasn't you, and nothing that happened was your fault. All that anger is in the past, and it's not who you are anymore."

He inhaled sharply, more from her touch and closeness than her words, and the rage at the world that he had been trying to dissipate shifted to desire in a heartbeat. Desire for this compassionate woman who had taken away his rage in the first place. Desire for the strong woman who occasionally trusted him with her own vulnerability; for the wise woman who saw what was in his heart and had helped him see it himself.

He knew the second her eyes widened that she had seen the desire as well, and he saw in her eyes the instant she realized the compromising position they were in. He made no move to take advantage of the moment, but neither did he pull the feelings back as he normally did. He truly did understand why things couldn't go further between them on _Voyager, _but he didn't have the strength to hide his feelings at the moment..

Not wanting the moment to end, and feeling slightly emboldened by the fact that she hadn't pulled back yet, he raised his hand to lightly cover the one she still had resting on his chest. He couldn't help whispering the words he had wanted to say for so long. "Every time you put your hand here, I feel like you're staking a claim. It's already yours, you know."

Her eyes widened further and he saw a blush rise to her cheeks, but she still didn't pull away. Her hand remained lightly under his own over his heart as she reached out with her other hand, lifting his unresisting hand from his knee and guiding it to rest between and barely above her breasts. Love for this amazing man welled up in her heart, and for the first time in a long time she didn't try to hide it away.

She said with her eyes and a single action something she hoped that someday she would be able to say with words, and she could swear she _felt_ peace settle back over his soul.

FIN


	11. Directive

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. I will return the characters to their owners once I manage to convince them that they're not happier with me.

Episode: Shattered (S7 E11)

AN: How did the captain know about the cider? And why did past Kathryn ask that last question? ("Just how close do we get?")

Oh, and for the people who have asked: No, I don't plan on doing a 'busted' fic, a 'stuck in the turbolift' fic, a 'we're stranded together on some random planet on a cold night and only have one blanket' fic, or any of the other popular clichés. There are dozens of fics with things like that (and some of them are very good). I have much more fun trying to be as original as possible.

* * *

Prompt: If they hadn't forgotten about half of them, the senior officers of _Voyager_ would have known just how close they were to beating James T. Kirk's record of temporal violations.

* * *

Directive

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Chakotay had indeed gone to retrieve a second bottle of cider from the cargo bay, and they were well over halfway done with it when he couldn't resist asking just one more time, "So honestly, how did you know where I have the cider hidden?"

She chuckled as she leaned over to refill both their glasses. "What, Temporal Prime Directive is a good enough answer for you but not for me?"

"If that's really the answer then it's fine." He smiled calculatingly. He had gone over Future Icheb's words carefully in his mind before asking a second time. The former drone had said he never told Neelix where the cider was hidden, but he had never actually said where that was. So if she really was using the directive honestly, it had to be from a different incident, one that he had no knowledge of. Which was certainly possible. But if she was just teasing him, he thought he knew how to call her bluff. "I was just wondering because if you found it, there's a chance that someone else could. And I wouldn't want it to disappear on us."

"Oh, I don't think there's a chance of that." She grinned at him, then raised her glass briefly in a toast to his tactics before admitting, "Seven did a full inventory about a month ago, took it upon herself to give me an accurate report because she doubted that Mr. Neelix was doing his job properly. Which it turns out he was. Other than the cider, which I told her was mine and to remove from her report, she didn't find anything wrong."

He chuckled. "You claimed it was yours?"

"Well, I do drink about half of it." She grinned back at him as she took a long sip. "So, I've told you mine, you tell me yours."

He shook his head. "Mine really is covered by the temporal directive."

Kathryn's grin turned feline. "But that only applies to talking about past or future events with people who didn't experience them with you."

He almost dropped his glass, and when he finally found his voice it was almost hoarse. "You don't remember… You can't…"

"I didn't before today."

Chakotay had never considered himself a master of temporal mechanics, but he didn't see how that was possible. "Bluffing again?"

She smiled as she said softly, "Two crews, Maquis and Starfleet, are going to become one. And they'll make as big a mark on the Delta Quadrant as it'll make on them."

Chakotay's eyes widened as she quoted his own words back to him. Words that he had spoken to her only a few hours ago. Words that in her mind he would have spoken to her nearly seven years ago. Only she shouldn't remember them.

"But I reset the timeline. No one else should remember those events." He took a deep drink of his cider as he tried to run through possible ramifications.

"I don't know if anyone else does." She said slowly, obviously enjoying how she had surprised him. "We came back to finish dinner before I could ask anyone. Maybe I only remember because I was so much a part of it. Maybe it's because of the serum, and the others will only remember the short bit of time from after we injected them to when you reset things."

He tried to wrap his mind around it even as one part of his brain told him there weren't really any ramifications. If she hadn't remembered before today, the only ramification was that she now had memories she hadn't before, but since she hadn't had them when any of the events were going on her decisions hadn't been affected. Nothing in the past would have been changed. And since the future was always changing anyway, the few things they had learned about the future didn't matter, as even the tiniest thing could erase the future they had seen and replace it with a different one. "But you didn't remember before today? How is that possible?"

"I could give you a long lecture on temporal mechanics," She laughed loudly as he winced, "but I'd just give myself and probably you a headache. The short and easy answer is that before today, none of that had happened. When I was on _Voyager_ seven years ago before setting out after you and the _Val Jean_, you didn't appear and threaten me and take me hopping through time. Because there were a million events between then and now that had to happen in order for you to do that, so until the timeline reached that point it hadn't happened yet. Once the timeline on the ship fractured those events took place, but since they happened in my past I now remember them."

Chakotay groaned. "I think even the short answer gives me a headache. And I'm still not sure I understand."

She chuckled. "I could keep explaining, but even I'm not a hundred percent sure. You're actually correct that since you reset the timeline no one should remember, as in effect those events never happened. However since you remembered, which is a good thing since it meant you knew to overload the deflector, I tend to think that blaming the serum is the correct answer."

Chakotay set his glass on the table, raising his hands to his head and rubbing his temples for a moment, deep in thought. "What's the first thing you remember? When did you first see me?"

"You pulled me through one of the temporal rifts, and the security officer who was following us could no longer see us." Kathryn said slowly as she brought the memories back, flushing slightly at the memory of how he had been holding her against him. "I wasn't confused, somehow I knew what was going on, but I don't remember you actually telling me."

"It's definitely the serum then." Chakotay sighed. "We had been talking for almost ten minutes before that, but your memory starts seconds after I injected you."

"So everyone we injected to help with Seska should remember that but nothing else; this'll be interesting. I wonder if Icheb and Naomi will remember, because they aren't yet the people who would have those memories, and there's a chance they'll never become those people." Kathryn speculated. "And it may take days for the others to realize what they remember; it's not like we think about all our memories all the time. The only reason I started thinking about it is because you blowing out the deflector created a sense of déjà vu, and suddenly I remembered how you planned to do that once you got back to your time frame, and then all the other memories started connecting.

Chakotay groaned as he thought about what would happen if the two children had memories of being adults. "Can we stop talking about this?"

She chuckled, reaching out to pat his knee. "Headache?"

His dimples flashed as he tried lighten things up. "Just glad I didn't say anything I might regret, thinking that you wouldn't remember it."

She grinned back at him. "It's a strange feeling; to have memories of meeting you and getting to know you before we actually met. To remember how it felt to have this Maquis stranger who I only knew from a profile claiming to be my first officer, and seeing all the brief moments that would come in the future and thinking how horrible our lives must be."

"Second guessing that decision you hadn't made yet?" He teased as the conversation stayed light.

Her lips quirked up in a half-smile. "What you said really did help, you know. Even if I had remembered back then, I don't think I would have changed things. First off I didn't really have enough information to change much, but I… I don't think I would have."

"Why not?"

Kathryn stared into her glass as she gave a cop-out answer. "Well, there's always the problem that if I had changed even the smallest thing, the timeline would have shifted, which would mean you hadn't come back, which would mean I would lose my memories of the event because it wouldn't have happened, and then…"

He let out an exaggerated groan and she trailed off with a laugh.

She continued to stare into the depths of her glass however, contemplating the repercussions if she gave him her true answer. Memories flowed through her mind as she considered not just what he had said to her, but how he had said it and what he had made her feel.

Her initial shock when he had quoted Dante to her, and the realization of how much she would have had to trust someone to loan them her book. The look in his eyes when he said they needed to stay together, because it was his job to protect her. The passion, determination, and strength in both his eyes and voice when he had told her all the good parts of being in the Delta Quadrant, and the obvious admiration when he talked about her and how she had led everyone. His warm laughter when they had bantered and teased each other, and it was obvious from how he reacted that they had shared many conversations in the same light-hearted manner.

The more time she had spent with him, the more she had understand how they had become friends in the future. She had seen him as intelligent and wise, warm and caring, strong and brave, empathetic and considerate, and oh so very handsome. The more she had gotten to know him, the more she had been sure he was an amazing friend, and likely an amazing first officer as well.

And suddenly she had wanted that. She had wanted to get to know this incredible man, to know what it was like to have someone this strong and devoted in her corner and in her heart. She still remembered her hope when she had asked him how close they got, and her disappointment at his answer.

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked finally when she had been silent for several minutes. She was staring down into her glass, obviously deep in thought, but since he couldn't see her eyes or most of her face he had no idea what she was considering. Probably more temporal mechanics issues knowing her, continuing in her head the thoughts he had cut off with his exaggerated groan of protest. "Kathryn?"

She startled out of her thoughts as he repeated her name louder, and when she finally looked up to meet his gaze he was amazed to see both vulnerability and hesitation in her eyes. Her voice reflected that as she said softly, "I'm trying to decide if I should play captain's prerogative with the other reason."

"Reason?" He was confused for a moment before he remembered the question he had asked before she went into a didactic temporal mechanics lecture and then fallen silent for several minutes. "You mean as to why you wouldn't have changed things?"

She nodded, rising to pace across the room to stand in front of the viewports. She thought again about how attracted to him she had been in her 'new' memories, and admitted to herself that she had had much the same reaction when she met him and got to know him in the regular timeline. Their positions made more than a deep friendship impossible, and not for the first time she realized just how much she regretted that fact.

It was a regret she had never been able to voice, anymore than either of them had been able to voice the knowledge that they knew the other had feelings that ran well beyond friendship. They were both aware that saying the words would have changed things between them, which wasn't logical but was certainly true. As long as the words remained unspoken things were safe, even though they both knew how the other felt. It was an arrangement they had silently agreed upon years ago, an arrangement both knew was the only way things could be out here.

Now for the first time she had a way to tell him without ruining things.

She felt him rise and cross to stand beside her, and heard his quiet voice. "Should I leave you alone with your thoughts?"

She shook her head and began to speak quietly. "All temporal headaches aside, it really came down to one simple thing. You."

Neither of them noticed when her hand slid into his.

"I wanted to get to know you as well as you seemed to know me." She continued in the same gentle voice, affection creeping into her tone. "You told me that the good parts of our lives in the Delta Quadrant wasn't about what happened to us, but about who we helped, and who we became out there. The first thing I thought when you said that was that as selfish as it was, just having you at my side could make it worth it."

His mouth opened, then closed again. His thoughts and emotions were flying in directions he had purposely tried to keep them from traveling. He was still trying to think about how to reply when she spoke again, in an even softer voice.

"The longer I was with you, the more sense it made that we had become such good friends." She seemed for the first time to realize she had taken his hand, but instead of releasing it gave it a gentle squeeze. "There was just something about you, a…about us and the… the chemistry between us. I knew I couldn't risk changing anything because then I might lose someone who had obviously become very important to me."

"Kathryn…" He still didn't know how to answer her, or if she even wanted him to speak.

"I was disappointed by your answer to my last question, in case you couldn't tell." She chuckled wryly. "If you had answered differently, that goodbye handshake would have been a kiss." Her peripheral vision caught his eyes widening even as his head snapped in her direction, and she shifted until she faced him.

His next words were spoken without thought. "I've never lied to you, but now I almost wish I had."

"It would have been a good memory." Her smile bloomed. "I'm hoping that, someday, we get another chance."

He smiled in return, all the love he tried not to show these days flaring briefly at the love in her eyes and the promise in her voice. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed the back of it tenderly before lowering their still joined hands back to their sides. "Someday."

They both turned back to the viewport, watching the stars streak by as they traveled ever closer to that someday.

FIN

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AN2: Unlike my certainty about the very different way I deal with "Shattered" in one of my other stories, "Parts of You" (shameless plug), I'm not nearly as certain about my interpretation of the temporal mechanics in this one. But it makes sense to me, and I certainly think it could work. After all, it's not like Star Trek is exactly consistent with how it deals with temporal issues, especially as any particular temporal anomaly can have unique properties. If I had seen this on an episode I wouldn't have questioned it, and that's enough for me.

Oh, and the prompt for this one doesn't actually work as well as most of my other ones, but it was given to me by a friend when I needed to replace a prompt that I ended up totally stumped on, and I thought the prompt was so funny I had to use it. I know it doesn't really work since Chakotay didn't actually break the TPD in "Shattered," but the only other good use of the prompt that I could have made J/C would have been either "Timeless" or "Endgame." It's established that they don't remember "Timeless," so I couldn't do that, and I refuse to ever write an "Endgame" fic because that episode simply doesn't exist in my mind. So "Shattered" it was. I hope everyone enjoyed, and as always reviews are greatly appreciated.


	12. Betrayal

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. I don't need profit, as reviews are my drug of choice.

Episode: State of Flux (S1 E10)

AN: This is the earliest episode I've done, and also the earliest I plan to do. As a result, it is much focused on the friendship and understanding they were still building, and doesn't have a romantic component as I don't really think that would be fitting at this point. This is also the first time I've written a truly angry Chakotay. It's not shown in the episode, but I can't believe he didn't have a reaction like this. I'm actually not sure how I feel about this one, I'm not sure it's really IC, but once I started writing it just flowed and I ended up with this. I've always wondered how they developed such a close friendship when we don't really see any of their early personal moments, and thought this might be a good place to start. I hope everyone enjoys, and don't worry, the romance will be there in other fics where it's more appropriate.

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Prompt: She knew he had dealt with the truth about Tuvok fairly well, but was afraid that Seska was going to be another story.

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Betrayal

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Chakotay had been off duty for nearly three hours and had spent that entire time alternating between pacing his quarters and staring out the viewport at nothing. He had tried to write the report the captain wanted on the whole 'Seska Incident,' but had barely finished a paragraph before the memories made him too angry to do anything but pace.

If he had been a swearing man the room would have been blue, if he had been a drinking man he would have been falling-down-drunk. But he was a fighting man, and at the moment he had nothing to fight.

For the past two years his outlet for anger had been shooting at Cardassians. Before that, it had been boxing. And neither of those options were available to him at the moment. He made an absent mental note to see if there was a boxing program on the holodeck, and to design one if there wasn't, but both holodecks had been in use since he got off duty anyway, and were reserved for hours yet.

He had tried punching the bulkhead a few times, but knew that too much of that would break his hand. Although the pain had felt good for a second, he didn't want to have to explain the injury later. The arrogant holographic doctor would probably take it upon himself to relieve him of duty the instant he learned the injury was self-inflicted, and as annoying as the doctor could be he was a good doctor. The last thing he needed was days with nothing to do but think about Seska.

B'Elanna had already stopped by to try to get him to hang out with her, as had Ayala and Carlson, and then B'Elanna had commed, this time asking about dinner. He had not only put her off, but asked her if she would spread the word among the Maquis to leave him alone.

He didn't want to talk to anyone when he was in such a bad mood, and he had been a Starfleet officer for enough years before joining the Maquis that he knew his anger could spread to others if he didn't deal with it alone. Tensions were running high in the wake of Seska's betrayal of _Voyager_, and had gotten even worse as the rumor began to circulate that she had actually been a Cardassian spy. The last thing the crew needed was the ship's second highest ranking officer stalking around and glaring at people.

Especially when Seska wasn't really what he was mad at. More than anything, he was angry with himself.

Chakotay really hoped the Maquis took his message to stay away to heart, because he knew his temper well enough to know that he was near to snapping. The next person who commed him would probably get a verbal slap in the face, the next person who came to his door might get a real one.

Less than three seconds passed between the time he had that thought and the time his door chime rang.

He spun and stalked to the door, already speaking angrily as it opened. "B'Elanna, just leave me the hell…. Captain." Shock and a tinge of shame rose up, but she was one of the last people he had expected to show up at his door at nearly 2100.

Kathryn Janeway stood in the doorway, her only reaction to his anger a raised eyebrow. That just reminded him of Tuvok and made the anger flare more strongly for a second, but he forced it back down with a deep breath.

"May I come in, Commander?" Her voice was calm, the slight nerves fluttering in her stomach hidden behind her command presence.

"Of course, Captain." He stepped back automatically, gesturing her through the door, wondering why she had come. Then he remembered the report he had been supposed to be working on for the past three hours. "I'm sorry, but I don't have that report you wanted finished yet."

"I'm not here for the report, Chakotay. I told you by tomorrow, and that's fine." She gave him a small smile. "I'm… I'm not exactly here as the captain. From your reaction when you thought I was Torres I'm going to guess I'm wrong here, but I thought you might want to talk to someone."

For the first time he felt awkward in her presence. Although they had established a good working relationship and engaged in friendly talk while on duty, they were only tentatively on their way to becoming friends. And the fact that he was angrier than he had been in a long time wasn't a good indicator that her first social visit would go well.

"I don't think I'll be very good company right now." Chakotay managed neutrally as he turned partly and took a few steps away from her. He didn't want to be rude to the captain, and it actually might have been nice to talk to someone who didn't have the long history with Seska that most of the other Maquis did, but he didn't trust himself to control his anger at the moment and he didn't want her to see him like this.

Kathryn only offered him another small smile. "One of the things I've discovered about being stuck out here is that I don't have anyone who I can vent my anger to when it's been a really bad day. Can't let anyone see me at less than my best, you know." Her laugh was a low, wry sound. "I thought you might feel the same way, and wanted to offer an ear if you wanted it. But I understand wanting to be alone as well. I'll see you on the bridge tomorrow, Commander. Good night."

Something in his gut twisted as she turned to leave. He knew that if he was alone he would just go back to pacing again, and knew his thoughts would probably take an even uglier downward spiral. He called out before she could trigger the door, "Captain, would you care for a drink?"

She froze for an instant before turning back to him, her face neutral. "I don't say this often, but it's a little late for coffee."

Chakotay forced a small smile. "I don't drink very often, but I could use one about now."

"If I were you, I might have had one or two already by now." Kathryn offered blandly, although he could see a slight challenge in her eyes.

She didn't know him well enough yet to know how he would deal with something like this, and although he could sense that the gesture of a friendly ear was genuine, he knew she likely had professional concerns as well.

"There's an old saying among my people." Chakotay said softly, still standing slightly awkwardly a few meters from her. "A man who drinks alone only makes his troubles worse."

She smiled again. "A good saying. I was thinking brandy." She moved towards his replicator, hesitated, then turned to face him with a question clear on her face. When he nodded and gestured for her to go ahead, she turned back to the replicator. "Two Saurian brandies."

Kathryn handed him one of the glasses that materialized, and at another gesture from him crossed the room to sit on one side of his couch while he took a chair.

She could see the anger swirling in his eyes, and almost feel the force of willpower it was taking him to keep it in check. He took a small sip of the brandy and she echoed him, then said softly, "I meant what I said if you want to vent. Forget that I'm the captain, and don't worry about hurting my feelings, or that I'll think less of you."

"The ultimate permission to speak freely?" The anger that he had been pushing down was back in his voice, and although he knew this might not be a good idea the idea of letting some of the pressure off was just too tempting.

She nodded. "Exactly."

"I'm not even sure how to vent this." Chakotay took a larger sip of his drink, relishing the slight burn of the synthohol. "I'm so angry, but it's almost more at myself than at her. Sure I'm angry at her for what she did, and I know I've got a lot of company there, but I'm so angry that I trusted her. That I didn't see it."

"None of us did." She could hear the anger growing in his voice, and was glad that he seemed willing to let at least some of it out.

"None of you ever slept with her!" The bitter exclamation flew from his lips without thought. An instant later, he realized what he had said and started to mumble an apology.

Kathryn held up her hand. "I meant what I said, Chakotay, you can say whatever you want. It doesn't exactly shock me, you know we had a comm line open when you were talking to her in sickbay. I knew that you were lovers. And that's what makes this so hard for you."

"You're damn right that's what makes it so hard." Chakotay took her at her word that he didn't have to censor anything. He rose to start pacing again. "I stopped the relationship once we were on _Voyager_, it wasn't appropriate, but she didn't react badly to that. We were still friends and I… I still loved her. I loved a Cardassian!"

"She said she was in love with you, too." Kathryn commented neutrally as she watched the anger swirl up around him. She knew he needed to let this out, and although she wasn't a trained counselor by any means, nor was she truly his friend as she knew several of the Maquis were, she also knew she was the best person for this. A man as strong and private as he was would never show this rage and weakness to those who served under him.

"And that makes it worse!" He snapped. "That's the main thing driving me insane. I need to believe that her parting words, and her insistence earlier on that she loved me and wasn't just with me for my Maquis secrets, was just one more way to hurt me. Cause if she really did love me I don't understand how she could have done what she did."

Kathryn opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, taking another sip of brandy. If he asked for an opinion she would give one, but for the moment she was just glad he was getting things off his chest. She remembered one particular occasion where her sister had done this for her, and knew that sometimes just talking things through out loud could be more helpful than anything. The very acts of snapping at her and expressing some of the anger also helped to alleviate it.

He saw the motion and flung his arm in her direction. "This doesn't have to be a rant. If you've got an idea I would love to hear it."

His tone was impertinent, but she was glad when he didn't apologize for it. She really did want him to forget she was the captain for the moment. She answered in a reasoned voice, "Some people, when they love, love with a kind of obsession. And with a selfishness as well. It does have an element of true love, where they want the other person to be happy, but they want to be the one who makes them happy."

"So you think she really did love me?" He said incredulously.

"I didn't know her that well, or know anything about your relationship really, but I think it's possible." She said softly. "At least what she considers love. But her own ambitions, her own love of power, would always have come first. Even beyond that, you can't have love without loyalty. And her loyalty was always to herself first. Her beliefs and ideals were so far removed from yours, from ours, that she could never understand what we humans consider love."

Chakotay collapsed back into the chair, catching her eyes, as the anger drained out of his. She could see it was still there, under the surface, but that was something it would just take him time to deal with. "I don't know if that makes it better or worse, but it helps to hear someone else's perspective. It makes me feel like less of a fool."

"I never thought you were a fool." Kathryn said softly as she finished her brandy. "I respected you greatly for your ability to do your duty despite your emotions. You were willing to believe us when we came to you with the truth, and I can't imagine how difficult that must have been."

"Even knowing she was a Cardassian, I didn't want her to be the traitor as well. I wanted to believe her when she said she had originally been sent as a spy, but that she had fallen in love with me." Chakotay chuckled humorlessly as he too drained his glass. "It was… flattering."

Kathryn's eyes widened at his final, soft confession. She had expected him to vent his anger, but not really to open up about the softer side of his emotions. She hadn't thought he would be that comfortable with her yet, although she was glad he was. They would both have to depend on each other a great deal for things they couldn't share with the rest of the crew. "I think she was the fool. I may not know you that well yet, but I've seen the way you give your loyalty, and the way you inspire it in others. You've done everything within your power to help me forge our crews together, and to help me run this ship. I imagine you love the same way. Fully, completely, giving of yourself, happiest when you can make the other person happy. And that's another reason why this is so hard for you. Because you weren't enough for her."

Some of the anger returned. "You're saying she hurt my pride more than my heart?"

She shook her head in immediate denial, reaching out briefly to touch his arm. "Pride might be a slight element of it, but no. I wouldn't belittle your feelings that way. It's why this kind of betrayal is always so hard; because you always wonder why your love wasn't enough."

"I wasn't _in_ love with her." Chakotay said softly as the anger drained away yet again. Part of him couldn't believe that he was having this private a conversation with her, couldn't believe that he was sharing something so personal with someone he barely knew. But something about her understanding and non-judgmental observations made her easy to talk to. This was a side of the captain he had never really seen before, although he had gotten slight glimpses of it on a few occasions. He hoped he would be able to see again. "I don't think I could have given her up so easily if I had been. I don't know if I'm more mad at myself for loving her at all, or wondering if I didn't love her enough. What if I really had been fully in love with her? Would that have made a difference?"

"I don't think so. I don't think anything is ever enough for someone like that. No matter how much you had loved he, no matter what you had given her, it could have never been enough." Kathryn said softly. "She didn't deserve you." She could see the thoughts turning over and over in his mind, but the cloud of anger that had nearly permeated the room when she had first entered was gone. Not wanting things to turn awkward, and wanting to give him more time to think about things, she rose and crossed to the replicator to recycle her glass. "Will you be alright?"

He had stood when she did, and now crossed to recycle his glass as well. "Maybe not by tomorrow, but yes, I will be. Captain, thank you."

"You're welcome." The corner of her mouth tipped up in a half-smile. "Anytime you need to talk, my door is open. I mean that."

He nodded. "Mine too, for you I mean. The next time you have one of those really bad days…"

"We can have another drink." Her smile grew. "Good night, Chakotay."

"Good night."

He stood there for a long minute, staring at the door after it had closed behind her. The anger was still there, but for the first time in longer than he could remember there was another feeling as well. It had been so long since he had felt it that he almost didn't recognize it at first, for he hadn't thought to ever find it again.

It was still buried under the anger, but he could feel the imbalance in his soul shift ever so slightly.

A single tear slid down his cheek as he relished a tiny kernel of peace.

FIN

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AN2: Found this and had to share: The next time you're in a bad mood and need a little fanfic pick-me-up, google "101 deaths of seven" and enjoy the drabbles.


	13. Holodeck

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this, except for my joy at making the characters a little happier.

Episode: Spirit Folk (S6 E17) ("Bride of Chaotica" and "Fair Haven" will also be referenced, but timeline wise this takes place just after "Spirit Folk.")

AN: And now we're back to another cute, romantic one. In honor of being almost half done, and for Valentine's Day, I've decided on another one where they actually get together.

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Prompt: If anything ever proved Murphey's Law, it was that damn room. Just how many times had something gone wrong with it, anyway?

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Holodeck

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"…We accidentally short-circuited the entire holodeck power grid and a second later when we finally got the holodeck doors open, we found the captain… uh, let's just say minus his uniform and obviously lacking a partner he'd had a second ago." Chakotay chuckled at the memory as he refilled Kathryn's wine glass and then his own.

She burst into surprised laughter. "I have to say that's not what I would have been doing if I was trapped in a holodeck with my entire ship on emergency power."

"He had no idea anything was wrong." He grinned at her. "He hadn't tried to leave the holodeck or contact anyone during the time he had been in there. We had tried to contact him obviously, but the entire comm system was down. And since the power grid for the holodecks is independent from all the other systems and wasn't affected…"

Kathryn laughed again as he trailed off. "I wonder how long it was before he set foot in a holodeck again."

"In the remaining three years I served with him I know he didn't." Chakotay grinned as he rose to start clearing the table. "Despite orders to the four of us who _rescued_ him, somehow the story got out. And no, it wasn't me."

She started to help even as she answered, "Sometimes I wonder why any of us are willing to go in that damn room."

"Because most of the time nothing goes wrong and it's fun?" Chakotay offered.

"But when things do go wrong they do so in a rather spectacular way." She countered as they continued clearing the table. "It's not always the holodeck itself like it was today, but think about it. Seska's program that almost killed Tom and Tuvok. The time that protostar and its aliens turned you, Tuvok, and Harry into energy. The safeties going offline when those photonic aliens thought Chaotica and his idiots were real people and started a war."

He chuckled, "I'm not likely to forget that one."

She raised an eyebrow questioningly as they settled back on the couch. "You never even entered the program."

"One of my goals is to never enter the Captain Proton program." He tried to joke the matter away, but she saw the flush that rose to his cheeks and became even more curious.

"Then why won't you forget it?" She asked innocently, hiding the smirk that wanted to rise as she watched him tug absently at his ear even as the heat in his face increased. She knew that the crew had found it a grand joke when they learned that their captain had participated, even under extreme circumstances, in Tom's overblown, melodramatic tripe.

He regretted saying anything. Although she seemed to be in a teasing mood, he was all too aware of how fast that could flip to a cool distance if he put a single toe over her line. The line that he respected, even understood, as much as he sometimes detested it. He had learned to live with it because the alternative was to lose her completely, and he valued their friendship and deep connection far too much for that. Plus, and he hoped this wasn't just pride and ego, he was afraid of what she would become without him.

"Chakotay?" Her voice was still teasing. "It's not a hard question." She wondered if he thought she didn't know that over half the ship had been making jokes about her and the program for a week after.

He took a deep breath, looking down into his wine glass rather than meet her eyes. "I won't forget about it because of Paris's report."

"Paris's report?" Her voice lost some of its teasing. She suddenly realized that whatever he was talking about wasn't what she had thought. "What about it?"

"My copy of the report included a holophoto of Queen Arachnia." He said hesitantly.

Her eyes widened in shock, and she couldn't help laughing. "It is kind of a memorable image. I looked so ridiculous."

"You looked beautiful." He corrected gently, speaking honestly even though he knew she probably wouldn't take it as a compliment. Thinking of Tom brought the phrase 'In for a penny, in for a pound' to mind, and he added, "But then, you always do." He waited for her to freeze him out again.

"You're biased."

He was shocked by the smile he thought he heard in her voice, and darted his eyes up to look at her. She was indeed smiling, her body language still open and relaxed. In fact, he could swear she was sitting closer to him than she had been a minute ago.

"Why do you say that?" It took great effort to keep his voice neutral, but he had been pushed aside too many times to have any real hope. The words he wanted to say, that yes he was, because he loved her, were words he had been rejected too many times to dare voice.

She drew back slightly, confusion crossing her face briefly. The horrible thought that maybe she was wrong, that he no longer felt about her as he once had, flashed through her mind. She tried to recover. "I just mean… well, anyone who could say that outfit was beautiful must not have been looking very closely."

He felt her withdrawing, but sensed something different about it this time. All the other times he had edged over her line, she had frozen him out. But the ice wasn't in her eyes or voice this time, instead there was a hesitation he had rarely seen in her. He took the leap, knowing that if it failed he would never again bring it up. He didn't have the strength anymore. "Maybe I am biased, but that's because I see more than the surface. I see you. I know you, and to me you're always beautiful."

The hesitation vanished from her face as she reached out to take his hand. "You aren't so bad yourself."

Their eyes locked, emotions that had been hidden with varying degrees of success over the years finally showing through. More importantly, being accepted for what they were.

He raised his other hand to brush lightly over her cheek. "Kathryn?"

She tilted her face into his hand, eyes closing briefly as she relished the contact. She touched him often; arm, shoulder, chest, never quite sure if it was for his sake or her own. But he so rarely touched her, which she regretted even while knowing it was her own fault. She opened her eyes and could see just how much this moment meant to him. "Hmmm?"

He swallowed nervously. "How careful do you want to be about this?"

"I think I've been being too careful for too long." She gave him a half smile. "I've actually tried to forget about Fair Haven, but everything today just brought it all back."

"Forget?" He went with the change of topics, wondering where she was going with this. "You mean because of…"

His hand fell from her face, and she felt suddenly colder. "Michael." She said the name softly, squeezing the hand she still held. "And yes, he's the reason, but indirectly. Apparently even before the…uh, the shouting from a tree incident, people had noticed me spending time with him, but more than that noticed how I had, well, changed him. During the time Tom was repairing the program, I overheard two crewmembers talking."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "About the changes?"

"They were joking, but still…" She blushed, using the excuse of refilling their wine glasses to look away from him. "One of them was betting on how long it would take for me to give him broader shoulders and darker skin, which I could have ignored if not for the reply."

He took a long drink of wine, his own cheeks flushing as he realized where she was going with this. "The reply?" He asked hesitantly after a moment when she didn't continue.

"Why doesn't she stop deluding herself and just put a tattoo on his forehead." Kathryn quoted.

Even having expected something along those lines, Chakotay couldn't help the laugh that shook his shoulders for a moment before he controlled himself. "That would have looked… odd."

She glared at him, but he could see the laughter in her eyes as she obviously got a mental image, and admitted, "It really would have." Then her voice turned more serious. "It made me start thinking about the changes I had made to him. I made him taller, and more intelligent and educated. I gave him curiosity, and a yen for exploring. I wanted him more provocative, more… sexual. He already had an inclination to be romantic, protective, considerate."

"That could describe a lot of people, Kathryn." Chakotay said softly, seeing her embarrassment..

"It could." Her voice was almost a whisper. "But it also made me really think. Why was I making myself a man when I had one that was everything I wanted standing right beside me every day?"

"Because I'm your first officer?" He offered gently. "We've never discussed it, but you know I understand why we…"

"Chakotay, I'm not sure _I _understand anymore." Kathryn said in the same gentle voice. "What was it you said to me once? Not to give up the present for a future that might never come. I've fought against that for years. Told myself that once we got back, once you weren't my first officer… I still believe we'll get back obviously, but I'm not sure I'm willing to wait anymore. And it's certainly not fair of me to make you wait."

"Kathyrn, you're not _making_ me do anything." His voice was still gentle, understanding, but she could see the hope in his eyes. "I'm not saying I wouldn't be overjoyed if we… But you're my best friend, and that alone means more to me than anything."

She smiled as she scooted closer to him again. "I wouldn't have made it this far without you. You're closer to me than anyone has ever been, and as amazing as that is I've been thinking more and more lately about how much more we could have."

His hand snaked out to cup her cheek again. "I won't be able to go back, so you need to be sure." The love was burning in his eyes again.

"Oh, I'm sure." She whispered. "I'm not sure how we'll deal with it tomorrow, or what the crew will think, or what'll happen the first time we disagree, or…"

He brushed his thumb over her lips, causing her to trail off. "Why don't we let the future take care of itself?"

She leaned in closer, and her answer was to kiss him gently on the lips.

FIN


	14. Charisma

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. The plot is mine, Paramount wouldn't want it anyway.

Episode: Worst Case Scenario (S3 E25)

AN: Yes, I already did one for this episode, although other than referencing a disaster on the holodeck it had nothing to do with the episode. I didn't see the harm in doing another fic off the episode, although I'll try to not make a habit of it, lol. After all, one of the main points of this for me was to force myself to write fics based off of more than just the 'top ten' J/C episodes. But I just had this thought the other night and had to write it, plus I don't think this episode is entirely overdone like Resolutions or Shattered.

* * *

Prompt: There was just something about his take charge attitude and aggressive demeanor that was incredibly attractive, and the leather pants sure didn't hurt.

* * *

Charisma

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Kathryn Janeway took a moment to appreciate the irony of the situation as she slowly walked down the familiar corridor of her ship.

She wore a yellow uniform with the single pip of an ensign pinned to the collar. And she was about to join one of her best friends in a mutiny to take the ship away from, well, herself.

She knew the program Tuvok had dubbed "Insurrection Alpha" wasn't finished yet, in fact at the moment Tom was being overloaded with helpful and not-so-helpful input on how to finish the program. But she only had an hour of holodeck time anyway, and she knew the narrative was at least that long.

She had debated with herself from the moment Chakotay first mentioned the program to her over dinner the night before, both wanting to see it and wanting to avoid it. In the end she had simply decided she was curious enough that she had to try it, although she wondered how disturbing it would be to see how Tuvok had viewed Chakotay and the others nearly three years ago.

She understood why Tuvok had been concerned. He wouldn't have been a good Chief of Security if he didn't worry about dozens of Maquis suddenly having free-run of the ship, especially when one of them had full command codes and the loyalty of the rest. He wouldn't have been a good Vulcan if he didn't consider and plan for all the logical possibilities.

Tuvok had actually advised her not to give Chakotay full access, offering to hold the codes himself, but Kathryn had known if they started things off that way any hope of her gaining Chakotay's trust would evaporate.

Although she could admit to herself that a possible mutiny had been a brief concern of her own, it had never been a serious one. From the moment she had met him, when he agreed to beam to her ship and then worked with her, to the moment he had sacrificed the _Val Jean _in order to save _Voyager_, she had gotten the sense of an intelligent and trustworthy man. Within a week of them beginning to work together, she had found him to be a loyal and thoughtful man, who understood what needed to be done and would help her in any way he could. And for three years, her original assessment of him had proven correct, although it had barely scratched the surface of how amazing a man he was.

Speak of the devil, she chuckled as Chakotay strolled up from behind and began to walk with her. "Commander." She greeted him, remembering her place in the scenario.

"Ensign. Where are you headed?"

"The bridge." She answered, trying to place what was different about him, realizing at once it was the aura of suppressed violence that seemed to encompass him. She realized few, if any, of the other people who had played the program would have seen the difference, but she knew him almost better than she knew herself. Although there was still something different about this Chakotay than the one she had known three years ago.

"Mind if I walk with you?"

"Of course not, Commander." Her voice came out with an edge of flirting, and Kathryn abruptly snapped her mouth shut. Where had that come from? Not that they didn't flirt and tease each other on occasion, but she would never have reacted that way to such a simple question from the real Chakotay.

"So, how's it going?"

"Oh, not too bad." She realized the flirting tone was still there. "And you… sir?" Her hesitation before adding the honorific came simply from how strange it felt to address him that way, not just because it was him but because she hadn't had to address a 'senior' officer in years.

She realized his personality subroutines had taken it differently when he suddenly smiled at her. It was disconcerting to see that smile on his face while his eyes were still cold. But his voice was warmer when he spoke. "I'm worried about you. Heard Tuvok has been giving you a hard time."

Kathryn felt a heat rise in her belly at the power and magnetism of his gaze, and realized that was the main difference between the real Chakotay and the one who stood before her now.

This man was still a contrary, still driven by fire and a willingness to break the rules to protect _his_ people. Still driven by anger at a world he couldn't find his place in. Her Chakotay still had the same charisma, but it was tempered by thoughtfulness and an innate kindness. A powerful man, but one who was comfortable both in his position and his own skin. One who had found peace. Wait… Her Chakotay? Where had that thought come from?

"Ensign?" His voice snapped her out of her thoughts, and she realized she had been so preoccupied with considering him that she hadn't answered his question.

She did a quick scan through her memory for the question, and going with instinct Kathryn lowered her voice confidentially. "Sorry, just remembering the last dressing down he gave me. He's so unreasonable."

She knew from hearing the crew that this first conversation was an important part of the program, and that how it was played determined which side she would end up on. She also knew that the program was apparently much more fun if you were on the side of the mutineers, and a tiny voice also whispered in her head that it would mean she got to stay with Chakotay.

She listened to him with half an ear as they entered the turbolift, and gave the correct responses as he began to lay out his problems with Tuvok, Janeway, and the state of the ship in general. She pledged without hesitation to go along with him when the time came.

She had to check herself from striding to the command deck as they entered the bridge, and turned towards one of the aft stations. As she began to set up the program that would allow her to place the crew quarters on lockdown as Chakotay had ordered, an irreverent thought caused a wry smile to cross her face.

Apparently the question of whether she would serve under him had just been answered.

=/\=

"So what did you think of Tuvok's program?" Chakotay asked with a grin as they reclined on her couch after dinner that night. They'd had a working dinner, discussing the upcoming crew evaluations among other things, but now as they relaxed with cups of tea he couldn't help but ask.

"What makes you think I tried it?" Kathryn asked with a smirk, her mind racing. She had spent the hour between her holodeck time and their dinner relaxing in her bathtub, her thoughts racing about what she had experienced on the holodeck. But she wasn't sure she was comfortable sharing her conclusions with him.

"Well, I know you had an hour of holodeck time this afternoon." Chakotay chuckled. "And although I didn't bother to check what program was running, I think I know you pretty well. You were so curious last night when I was telling you about it, that I can't believe you didn't try it out."

"Busted. And it was… interesting." She gave him a half-grin. "You haven't run the whole program, right?"

"No." He shook his head. "Only about the first five minutes, like I told you last night. Once I realized what it was, well, I wasn't really sure I would want to see 'myself' like that. And now that I know it was Tuvok who wrote it, I really don't want to see it."

"Oh, I don't know, you could have come off a lot worse." She chuckled at the memories, her mind flashing back yet again to his leather pants and take-charge attitude. Heat rose to her cheeks as she remembered one of the little fantasies she had dreamed while in the bathtub a little while ago.

Chakotay's eyes widened as he saw her blush, and he could feel his heartbeat accelerating. Her tone of voice was teasing, but there was a heat in her eyes that he had only ever seen brief flashes of before. He tried to think of a way to maintain this line of conversation without her retreating behind her command mask. "You mean Tuvok doesn't just have me kill you?"

She laughed. "Oh, no. You actually offer all the Starfleet personnel who aren't already with you a choice of joining you or being dropped off on a nice planet somewhere. Then me and Tom come back from our trip, and we try to take the ship back. I don't know if we succeed or not, that part is not written, but I'm sure we do."

He laughed with her. "So apparently Tuvok knew me well enough to know I wouldn't just kill everyone, but not well enough to know that I would never try and take over in the first place."

Kathryn laughed with him for a moment, shifting to lean back on the couch, her bare feet propped up on the table. Then she said quietly, "I never thought that you would."

"Because I was smart enough to know that my 40 people could never have run the ship?" Chakotay asked lightly as he rose to get himself another cup of tea.

"That was part of it I suppose." Kathryn replied, her barely-touched tea cooling in her hands as she watched him cross to the replicator, her eyes zoning in on his butt and wishing it was encased in tight brown leather instead of loose black polyester. She closed her eyes and shook her head to clear the image.

Although she had been attracted to him from almost the moment she met him, that attraction had been buried under layers of duty initially, and later woven into a deep friendship. She hadn't really realized until today that one of the things that had allowed her to bury it had been the changes in his personality. Although she loved him for his kindness and sensitivity, his respect for her position… Her thoughts ground to a halt when she realized she had just thought that she loved him. She knew she did on one level of course, but it was a level she had always locked away, and since she couldn't make the first move…

"Kathryn?" Chakotay asked after she had been silent for over a minute. Her face was a study in changing emotions, and despite how well he had come to know her he couldn't imagine what she was thinking. He knew what he hoped it was though, and he wondered if she was distracted enough by her own thoughts to answer him without censoring herself. With that in mind, he asked softly "What are you thinking about right now?"

"How amazing you look in those leather pants."

His dimples burst to life even as her face turned as red as her uniform. That wasn't quite what he had been hoping she was thinking, but it would do. "I'll have to wear them for dinner sometime." He knew better than to push her too far, but his heart filled at the compliment.

Her blush deepened, and he watched as something else he couldn't understand crossed her face before she said quietly, "I was thinking about how different you were back then. All that anger, so much closer to the surface. That energy that just swirled around you, that attitude that said you were in charge, you knew best, and you would get what you wanted."

Chakotay took a deep breath as she turned her head to look into his eyes, the spark of attraction that had always been between them snapping to life in an instant. "You had the same energy, minus the anger driving it." His voice was as soft as hers, and when he reached out hesitantly to take her hand she gripped it firmly. "I've never had a problem following someone if I believed they were right. If I believed they had the determination and capability to do what they wanted. And the look in your eyes when you stepped between me and Tom, your body language when your shoulder touched my chest…"

Kathryn looked deeply into his eyes. "I knew if I didn't start out strong, you would end up in charge. Sometimes I wonder if that would have been a bad thing."

His eyes widened in shock, wondering if he was imagining the secondary way that statement could be taken. His answer was careful, able to be interpreted in whichever way she saw fit. "We're in this together. I fully believe that you will get this crew home, and I'll always be here to help you do it. Whatever you need."

She chuckled humorlessly. "My needs are the same as yours."

He could swear he stopped breathing for a minute. The look in her eyes, and the flirty tone in her voice, were unmistakable. Yet she had never before responded to any of his mild, testing advances, and he had always backed away, worried about damaging their working relationship, and more recently their friendship. Despite the spark between them, he had assumed she just wasn't interested in him, or she wasn't willing to date someone under her command.

The only time she hadn't backed away had been on New Earth, and in retrospect he had realized that was likely because they were the only two people there combined with the fact that they were outside of the command structure. But now he was wondering. He let his feelings show in his eyes even as he responded testingly, "How do you know what I need?"

She smiled. "It's right there in your eyes. The man I met three years ago wouldn't have given up on it."

Okay, it was official. There was no way he was misinterpreting what she was saying. But he still couldn't understand what had changed. Why was she suddenly making it clear? He stopped beating around the bush. "I haven't exactly given up. But I respected you too much to push when it was obvious you didn't feel the same way I did."

"I don't think you know me quite as well as you think." Kathryn shifted closer to him.

"You might be right." He admitted even as he reached out to trail his fingers along her cheek. "Why now?"

She leaned her cheek into his touch. "Because seeing you like that on the holodeck brought back everything from when we first met."

His eyes widened. "Since all the way back then? But you never said…"

"I think it would have been a disaster back then." She grinned. "The crew would have reacted… well, badly. I also didn't know you well enough to know if you would be able to respect me as the captain if we… By the time it would have worked, you had backed off. And then there was New Earth, by that time I was so used to hiding my feelings that it took too long for me to let them out. Then we were back on _Voyager_, and you backed off again."

"If you had given me any indication…" Chakotay trailed off, aghast at what she was saying. Could they really have been together for the past year? Then something occurred to him. "I may have backed off, but I didn't exactly hide my feelings. You could have gone after what you wanted too. I hardly see you as the type of girl who believes the man has to make the first move."

"No officer may pressure a lesser ranking crewmember with a sexual or romantic advance."

His mouth dropped open. He recognized the quote immediately from when he had gone over Starfleet's fraternization rules over a year ago, but hadn't ever thought that she would try to apply it to their situation. It obviously wasn't being pressured if the other person had admitted to having feelings for you. He belatedly closed his mouth, then opened it again and said with all the shock he felt, "Seriously?"

She gave him a small smile. "Chakotay, I had to be sure. Starfleet will disapprove as it is, for two reasons. The first being that although a captain and her first officer are not explicitly forbidden from having a romantic relationship, it is strongly frowned upon. And it could be a really bad idea, especially out here, where you can't exactly be transferred if something goes wrong. And the second reason…"

"Is that I'm a Maquis who was supposed to be your prisoner." Chakotay said with understanding.

Kathryn nodded. "Those two reasons will be bad enough, but if I initiated the relationship and went directly against the rules, well, the punishment for that is rather severe. If I'm going to keep the Maquis out of prison when we get back, I have to give Starfleet as little to gripe about as possible."

Chakotay groaned even as he tipped his head until their foreheads were touching. "I feel like an idiot. I went over those rules last year, I should have realized…"

"I kept hoping you would, but at the same time figured that it probably was smarter for us not to be together. Starfleet really will have a fit, and it certainly won't be easy to keep our personal lives separate from our duties."

"I'm more than willing to try if you are." His dimples flashed as he raised both his hands to cup her cheeks.

"Is that an advance, Commander?" Kathryn gave him a cheeky grin.

"Oh, am I not being clear enough?" Chakotay grinned back as he leaned in and kissed her softly.

The kiss spun out, years of pent-up longing finally released, and when they finally broke apart each was gasping for breath.

"I really must remember to thank Tuvok for writing that program." Chakotay said when he could finally talk again.

She gave him a mischievous grin. "Wear the leather pants for dinner tomorrow. Although I can't guarantee how long they'll stay on."

His eyes widened with delight as she leaned in to kiss him again.

=/\=

FIN

* * *

AN2: Apologies if there are more mistakes than usual; I've got a bad cold, and cold medicine makes me a little… well, special. I did actually have a friend read this over to make sure it made sense, but she's not really a beta so all mistakes are definitely my own.


	15. Implants

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. I am writing for fun, and to relieve the extreme disappointment felt by so many fans over how the series ended, of course.

Episode: Unimatrix Zero (S7 E1)

AN: Apologies to NoNicknameLeft, but you won't be getting "Development." The original joke I was going to use for the story fell flat, as did several other attempts. It, like several other prompts that just didn't work out when I tried to write them, has been replaced with another prompt. My apologies. And now, here's another new short story. I hope everyone enjoys!

This one is dedicated to Helena Gray, whose amazing Chakotay POV stories inspired me to try one of my own. Be gentle, this is my first first-person POV in like, ever.

* * *

Prompt: She had never been vain about her appearance, yet he saw the vulnerability and fear in her eyes the instant he walked into Sickbay. He still thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, and made sure that shone in his eyes.

* * *

Implants

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"Their shields are down!" Paris shouted from the helm.

"Energize!" I ordered, heart nearly stopping as the cube she was on began to blow apart.

"Got 'em!" Harry shouted.

"Tom, go!" I ordered unnecessarily as Voyager jumped to warp.

"Korok's ship is with us." Harry reported. "The Doctor reports that the neural suppressant failed on Tuvok, he's sedated. B'Elanna and the captain are still themselves, but… but they've all been fully assimilated."

My heart did stop this time as the kernel of hope I had held to since she was projected into Sickbay died. Fully assimilated. We had known that would likely happen, they had been prepared for it, but how do you prepare for that really? How do you prepare to look in the mirror and see a white bald head full of tubes and implants and…

"Commander?"

Tom's voice jerked me out of my thoughts, and I found him looking at me with all the anxiety I felt. I nodded and he shot out of his chair, probably glad for the first time ever that he was a medic. Everything in me screamed at me to follow him to Sickbay.

"Damage reports coming in."

Harry's voice jerked me out of my thoughts yet again, and I lived moment to moment, doing everything that I _had_ to do instead of the one thing I wanted to do.

We were always there for each other in Sickbay. I'm actually not sure how we managed it, but somehow we were always there when the other woke. She called my name upon awakening most of the time, and I tried to tell myself that was because I was her first officer even while I hoped it was more than that.

I suspect I usually woke calling for her as well, but my memories aren't clear on that. And she was always there when I opened my eyes, so I know I said her name then. Looked into her eyes and knew that everything was going to be okay.

And I needed that now. I needed to look into her eyes and know that everything… that _she _would be okay. Because that was the only way that _I_ was going to be okay.

Nearly an hour passed while my heart screamed at me to do one thing and my head and duty forced me to do another. I took damage reports, coordinated repair schedules with Engineering and with Korok's ship, and jerked my hand back every time I started to reach for my combadge to contact the Doctor.

Finally everything was in order, and relief and anxiety warred inside me as I handed the bridge off to Harry.

"Tell them… uh…"

Harry's face was a study in contradictions, and I put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I will. They'll be fine you know."

Harry nodded bravely. "I know. I just can't imagine…"

"Neither can I." I admitted softly as I entered the turbolift.

Anxious, hurried steps slowed the closer I got to Sickbay. What did I say? How did I act? Would she rather I pretend everything was normal? Or would she try to joke about it? Or worse, withdraw into herself and push me away, as she's done more times than I care to remember.

Her needs. I took a deep breath as a little voice in the back of my head reminded me of my promise to her. This wasn't about me, and I couldn't plan what I was going to do when I walked in. I had to simply react to however she wanted to play this, just like always.

One more deep breath, and I walked into Sickbay.

"Commander." Tom came up to me the instant I walked in. "They're all going to be okay. It'll… it'll just take a few days."

I heard his words, but my eyes scanned Sickbay impatiently, needing to see her. All I saw was privacy curtains raised around three of the beds, and as I watched the Doctor came out from behind one curtain, bustled towards another and vanished behind it without even acknowledging me.

"We raised the curtains so people didn't stare if they came in." Tom said softly, putting a hand on my arm. "It… It's kinda hard to see. Plus we didn't wanna scar Naomi for life if she came in for something."

I tried to appreciate the humor his last sentence was trying for, but couldn't feel anything. The need to see her was almost overwhelming. "Which…"

"She doesn't want to see you, Chakotay." Tom said softly. "She, she doesn't want to see anyone."

"You mean she doesn't want anyone to see her." My voice was just as quiet, but I knew Tom could see in my eyes that I wasn't going to be dissuaded. "Would you have let anyone stop you from seeing B'Elanna? Even B'Elanna herself?"

Tom shook his head, a commiserating look in his eyes. He gestured to the first bed. "She's awake. Do you want to know what to expect?"

I shook my head. "It's Kathryn. That's all that matters."

Tom's brief smile said he understood completely, and with a brief clasp to his shoulder I walked over and slid behind the privacy screen to the first bed.

A sheet covered her from feet to chin, which I knew had to be for her own benefit - so she didn't have to look at herself. Borg technology covered half of her face, and the other half was as pale as death. Her beautiful hair was gone, and I could see the irregular lumps under the blanket that told of more changes.

I expected to feel angry at what had been done to her, or maybe horrified at how she looked. I was even prepared for a surge of irrational fear, fear which seemed to become instinctive to anyone who had ever dealt with the Borg.

But I saw the embarrassment mixed with fear and sadness in her eyes, and any other feeling that might have been starting to rise vanished in a rush of love and admiration.

"Go away." Her voice was rough, and I saw her face go blank before she turned it away from me.

I might have considered it, at least for a split second, if it hadn't been for the look I had seen in her eyes before she turned away.

"Kathryn, please look at me." I kept my words soft.

"I can't." Her voice was more fragile than I had ever heard it.

"You're still you." The words fell from my lips, and I barely managed to stop from saying the next ones, the ones that told her she was beautiful and always would be to me.

"I don't feel like it at the moment." There was a hint of wry humor in her voice, and my heart leapt when one of her hands slid out from under the covers and reached out.

I took her hand gently, ignoring the white skin and the silver metal imbedded in her skin. Ignoring the cold skin and the black tubing. Ignoring the bumps I could feel as my thumb brushed over her knuckles, bumps I knew could shoot out tubules filled with nanoprobes. It didn't matter, because I was holding her hand.

"Please look at me." I whispered.

Her grip on my hand tightened, and I held my breath, certain she was going to refuse again and order me away. Instead her head slowly turned until her eyes met mine.

They were the only part of her that was truly recognizable. Eyes the color of the sky or the sea, shifting from gray to differing shades of blue as quickly as her moods changed. Right now they were the murkiest gray, and showing nothing but vulnerability.

"I've never been vain about my appearance." Her voice was still a whisper. "But when I look at myself now…"

"You'll be back to normal before you know it." I ignored her flinch as I reached out to her, running my fingers lightly over her cheek. I knew all my feelings for her were showing in my eyes, and for once she didn't try to hide or push me away.

"You can't know what it means to me to see that look in your eyes when I look like this."

I felt the warmth spreading from my heart through every part of my body at her barely whispered words. I knew it didn't change anything, tomorrow the lines would be back exactly where they always were. But for the moment, her eyes echoed my love, and I knew this moment would be one I always treasured.

I leaned in to kiss her softly on the forehead. "You'll always be beautiful to me, Kathryn."

FIN


	16. Vestige

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. The story belongs to me, for what it's worth.

Episode: Year of Hell II (S4 E9)

AN: Two chapters in two days! I love my muse. Another angsty one, cause how could it be otherwise? Short, but poignant and with hope.

Dedicated to Rascal207, who asked for a YOH pocket-watch story and caused me to think of such a bittersweet prompt. I hope you enjoy your story hon, thanks for all the awesome feedback!

* * *

Prompt: She had always thought he would be beside her at the end, but when it came she could only cling to his last gift as she imagined that he was.

* * *

Vestige

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Alone.

Her gaze lingered on the chair to her left. His chair. The place she had always looked to for strength, or calm, or support, or whatever it was that she needed. The chair that had been empty for 187 days.

187 days that had seemed like a lifetime for multiple reasons, but the number one reason was because he hadn't been there beside her. She hadn't even known for sure until they received Tom's message that Tom and Chakotay were alive. She had always believed they were of course, simply because the alternative was unthinkable, but her heart had still nearly leaped from her chest when Voyager got that message.

Not just because it meant that maybe they could reverse all the horribleness they had gone through over the past year, but because it meant he was alive. It was a silly thought really, because if they could undo all the temporal meddling then it wouldn't matter if he had died or not, because it wouldn't have happened anyway. But her heart had still jumped when she found out he was alive.

One thought kept spinning around and around in her mind, and as she looked down at the watch in her hand she felt her eyes fill with tears.

If they could reset everything, she wouldn't have to live 187 days without him.

Alone.

Kathryn cast her eyes around the bridge, or as she had joked more days ago than she could even remember, what was left of the bridge. Half of the ceiling was on the floor, parts of the floor were open to the deck below, most of the stations were shorted out, and all she could smell was smoke from burned-out connections and vaporized metals. In the dim emergency lighting, _Voyager_ looked as alone, battered, and empty as she felt.

Most of her crew had vanished in escape pods months ago, and she didn't know how many were still alive or where they were. Her senior staff were split up among the other ships in the small armada she had gathered. But a captain always goes down with her ship.

Alone.

The seconds it took for the shell of her ship to ram into the cause of all their troubles over the past year seemed to stretch into eternity.

Her hand tightened on the watch again. She remembered the look on his face when he had given it to her, remembering her birthday even when she didn't. His quiet voice as he told her the story behind it. The strength in his eyes when he looked at her, giving her tangible proof of his belief that she would get them home.

The disappointment and sadness in his eyes when she had rejected the gift and told him to recycle it. It had been as if she was admitting she knew they weren't going to get home, although she truly hadn't thought about it that way at the time.

She should have known he wouldn't follow her order to recycle it. She wondered if, in the few days between when he had tried to give it to her and the time he had been transported away, he had looked at it and thought of her.

In the nearly two months since she had found it in his quarters, it had never been out of her sight. It hung on her waist during the day, and sat on her bedside table on the rare occasion she actually made it back to her quarters to sleep. It was a constant reminder of his faith that she would somehow win. Somehow save the ship and get everyone home.

It was also a reminder of him, and helped fill the aching hole his absence had left in her life. She had told him once that she couldn't have done it without him, and now she knew just how true that was.

He hadn't been there. He had been ripped away from her, and she had spent months without him. Months, when she had truthfully told him she couldn't imagine a single day without him at her side. Months as she lost her ship piece by piece. As she lost her crew. As she slowly lost her hope of ever seeing Earth, or him, again.

And now she was seconds away from her ship being destroyed around her and he still wasn't at her side.

Alone.

Time still seemed to stretch out endlessly, and as she let her eyes slide shut all she could see was his face in an endless series of changing expressions. She thought of the old cliché of how your life flashed before your eyes in the instants before death, and somehow didn't find it disconcerting that Chakotay featured in every memory.

She remembered the first time she had seem him over the viewscreen, and the suspicion and anger in his eyes when she had addressed him by name. His disbelief when she had explained to him that she wanted him as her first officer.

And she remembered the first time she had seen respect in his eyes, and the first time she had seen trust. The way the anger had slowly melted away, and the way the frustration had been replaced with peace. She remembered his eyes and his soft gentle voice as he told her that peace was all because of her.

She remembered the first time she had seen love in his eyes when he looked at her. And the thrill that had run through her as his gentle hands caressed her hair and shoulders.

For an instant she remembered what it felt like to be a warrior woman. To be brave, and beautiful, and wise.

More memories flashed. In some they were arguing, in others they were laughing. In some they stood side by side on the bridge, trying to talk or fight their way out of yet another crisis. In others they reclined on the couch in her quarters, sharing stories or current gossip. She remembered an amazing picnic on the beach on one of the rare planets where they had taken shore leave without having a crisis while they were there.

She remembered his desperation as he tried to breath life back into her, and although she knew that had been part of her hallucination she knew it could have really happened as well. She sometimes felt she knew him better than she knew herself, and knew the scene she had imagined was very likely close to what had happened.

She recalled his utter joy when they went sailing on Lake George, and his utter despair as she tried to comfort him when he found out that Seska's baby wasn't his.

Dozens of other memories flashed through her mind, hundreds even, and when she opened her eyes again she felt a sense of peace settle over her.

Sitting in her command chair, looking out the hole that had once been a viewscreen as the timeship got ever closer, Kathryn raised the hand holding the watch to her heart.

And in the last second she turned her head to look again at his chair. She clenched to her heart the token representing all the things she had never let him say to her and she could swear she saw him again, sitting next to her. And as everything went dark she knew the truth.

She was not Alone.

FIN


	17. Uniform

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager does not belong to me, if it did a few things would have happened differently. I am making no money from this.

Episode: Caretaker (S1 E1)

AN: So I said when I did 1.10 that I wasn't going to do anything earlier, but then I realized it really wasn't right to do missing, expanded, and changed moments without doing the first missing scene I really wanted to see. Because inquiring minds (at least mine) want to know what happened between when the array blew up and Chakotay stood by her side in uniform on the bridge. I've read this done in various ways, here's my take on what might have happened.

* * *

Prompt: It represented everything she knew they would need to survive in the Delta Quadrant, she just hoped she could convince him to put it on again.

* * *

Uniform

By Lady Callista

"You have made an enemy today, Captain."

The words seemed to echo around the bridge for a moment and then the Kazon cut the transmission, returning the viewscreen to an image of the space in front of them, and the remains of the Caretaker's array.

"Captain, they're withdrawing."

For a moment, everyone's attention remained on the viewscreen, and the bridge was quiet as they all processed the ramifications of what had just happened.

"Mr. Paris, take us a few light years away from here, then find a place to keep us off the radar for the night. I want to organize repairs, and think about how we want to proceed." Captain Janeway was, naturally, the one who broke the silence.

"You'll need to build a bigger brig." B'Elanna snapped.

Chakotay turned to glare at her, about to scold, when Janeway spoke up.

"I'm not Javert." Her voice was quiet, but carried throughout the bridge.

B'Elanna looked confused by the comment, but Chakotay turned to look at the captain thoughtfully, wondering if Starfleet Intelligence had included background information about the name of his ship or if she had figured it out herself. He doubted most people would have considered the reason for the name important, but the captain obviously did. Or at least wanted him to know that she knew the story.

"Captain, where are my people?" Chakotay asked politely, amazed once again at how much presence this small woman had. He had noticed it from the moment his eyes met hers over the viewscreen.

She met his eyes for a moment, then turned to Tuvok, who stood at the tactical station. "Two required medical attention, not for anything serious, and they are now in Sickbay." Tuvok replied. "The rest are in Cargo Bay 2, except for you and Miss Torres."

"With security guards at the door, I'm sure." B'Elanna snapped.

"B'Elanna, enough." Chakotay's head snapped toward her, anger on his face. "If they were on our ship would they be wandering free? And remember, we are technically the criminals here."

"It shouldn't be a crime to defend your home. Besides, they'd be dead without us." B'Elanna took a few heavy steps towards him. "If you hadn't sacrificed the _Val Jean_…"

"Join the others in the Cargo Bay." Chakotay ordered. "Let them know I'm fine, and will be joining them shortly."

She glared daggers at him, but he didn't back down and after a moment she spun on her heel and headed for the turbolift. A nod from Tuvok had a security person going with her, which she responded to with a growl.

Chakotay sighed, shaking his head slightly before shifting to face the captain once again, keeping his body language loose and friendly to counteract the image B'Elanna had made. "I'll apologize for her temper."

"She's upset, it's understandable." Janeway said shortly. "Would you please join me in my ready room."

It wasn't a question, but Chakotay would have said yes even if it was. With a nod, he gestured for her to lead the way.

He trailed a few meters behind her, expecting her to already be sitting behind her desk glaring at him when he entered. Instead, he was surprised to find her at the replicator.

"Can I get you anything?" She asked politely.

He only shook his head, already rethinking what he was going to say to her. She wasn't like any captain he had ever met.

"Coffee, black." She ordered, then took an appreciative sniff before moving past him. Rather than going behind the desk, she moved up a few steps to a sitting area and gestured for him to join her as she sat on the couch.

He joined her cautiously, eyes on her as she took a deep sip of coffee before setting it aside with a sigh. "My orders, as I'm sure you know, were to capture the Maquis and take you back to stand trial. Obviously, I can't do that at the moment. I'm not willing to try you myself, but I don't exactly think putting you all the brig for 75 years is a good option. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what to do with you."

Unsure what she wanted him to say, surprised by both her frankness and the fact that she was even discussing it with him, he reverted to the line he had told B'Elanna on the bridge moments ago. "You're the captain."

She sighed, obviously recognizing the line. "Thank you for supporting me on the bridge about destroying the array, but I would like to ask an honest question now. If you had been in charge, would you have destroyed the array?"

He had supported her in public, but she wanted his honest opinion now. Because she wasn't being entirely honest when she said she wasn't sure what to do with the Maquis. Even after having only a few minutes to think about it, she knew that the only really feasible option was to have the Maquis join her crew, but if she just made them all crewmen there would be bitterness and more problems than she wanted to think about.

Chakotay was a graduate of Starfleet Academy and he had been a command officer. And her first officer was dead. Giving that position to Chakotay would cause many hard feelings among her Starfleet crew, but would be a major step to helping the Maquis integrate. But first she needed to get to know him a little better, because there was the possibility of it being a complete disaster.

Chakotay was silent for a long moment, obviously thinking it through. "Yes, I would have. For the same reason you did." He said finally, then hesitated before adding, "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"I prefer Captain." She replied, adding, "You're not in Starfleet anymore, Mr. Chakotay. Speak as freely as you want."

"Just Chakotay. Captain Janeway, I don't know how you feel about the Maquis, or what kind of people you think we are. But we're not bad people. We're not heartless, vindictive terrorists. We're soldiers, willing to fight for our homes. Willing to protect our families, even though Starfleet isn't." He saw her start to take a breath and continued quickly, although he kept his voice calm. "I don't want to get into a philosophical, or any other kind, of argument with you. But I want you to know that I have a good crew, a group of talented people that I respect and trust with my life. Out here, our goal is the same as yours; to get home. And we've already shown that we can work together."

Janeway took a sip of her coffee, using the moment to collect her thoughts and wondering if he had come to at least part of the same conclusion she had. "Are you suggesting that we combine our crews?"

"I can't think of another solution." He replied, then chuckled slightly, "Other than 70 years in the brig, that is."

Her breath caught for a moment as his dimples flashed, and she again hid her face in her coffee cup. "I'm not sure I can either." She finally said bluntly. "But I would like to think about this for the night. I'll have quarters assigned to you, and… Problem?"

The objection on his face was clear. "What about the rest of my crew?"

"Until we clear out the personal affects of…" Her voice trailed off as memories of the people already lost flashed through her mind. "We don't have enough empty quarters for everyone at the moment, but we'll look into that first thing tomorrow. For now, I'm afraid they'll have to stay in the cargo bay. We'll make certain they have all the supplies they need, and food and other things like that."

"I'll stay there with them." Chakotay replied, his own voice hitching as her words about lost crewmen made him think of the ones he had lost. Had he known her better, he would have tried to comfort her in some way. But although that was second nature to him, he had no idea how she would take it. "I'll make sure no one tries to leave, and I'll let them know that you'll give us your decision tomorrow."

"I know it won't be the most comfortable, but under the circumstances…"

"It would be the same if you were on my ship, not that we all would have fit." He interrupted with a wry smile. "Believe me, we're used to much worse. We'll be fine."

"If you could report here at 08:00, we'll figure out everything then. In the meantime, I'm sure your crew is anxious to hear from you. I'm sure by now they've come up with a dozen theories about what's going to happen to them, each one worse than the last."

"I'll see you in the morning then, Captain." Chakotay rose and turned to leave, then turned back and said softly, "And since you seem to know the story, I'll tell you I named the _Val Jean _myself, because all I wanted was to live my life on my own terms. I wanted my family and friends to be able to live in peace. To be safe in their own homes. And I never saw the Federation as Javert. The Cardassians were, and they're not here now."

"Thank you, Chakotay." She nodded thoughtfully as he turned and left, then took her coffee over to her desk. She needed to study his profile again, but first she had to organize the repair schedule, visit Sickbay to check on the injured, make notations in the records of the people she had lost, and probably a dozen other things she wouldn't think of till she got the most important things out of the way.

Still, she couldn't help but reflect on him for a moment as she punched in keys on her monitor, pulling up the engineering report. His actions over the past day had matched with his Starfleet personality file, and their conversation had done a great deal to reassure her. She had been afraid that his years of fighting with the Maquis would have turned him into a bitter, hateful man.

Yet he seemed to be a good leader with natural charisma, and was thoughtful and intelligent as well. He was passionate, but knew how to be diplomatic. He could both take orders, and give them. Miss Torres's displays on the bridge and his handling of her showed he had her respect and trust, and as she seemed to be his second in command that likely meant the rest of his crew felt the same about him. He had empathy for others, and she sensed in him both deep strength and deep compassion. His coffee-colored eyes had shown honesty, and respect. And those dimples…

Captain Janeway's thoughts abruptly derailed, and she reminded herself that she was evaluating him as a possible first officer, not a boyfriend. She had a man waiting for her back home, and she was going to do everything she could to get both herself, and her crew, home to the people they loved.

Taking another deep drink of coffee, she put the handsome Maquis out of her mind and focused on the damage reports.

=/\=

_Captain's log, Stardate 48318.7_

_With only slight misgivings, I have concluded that the only way for Voyager to function effectively, and focus on the task of returning to the Federation, is to ask the Maquis to join the crew. I'm not sure yet how to give them rank, but will deal with that within a day or two. _

_I am reinstating Chakotay's Starfleet commission, and giving him a field promotion to Commander, as well as making him my XO. I believe he is capable of the job, and it is my hope that making him my first officer will allow him to help the Maquis adjust more smoothly, as well as head off any bitterness or fears that they won't have a voice on this crew. _

_Lieutenant Carrey will be in charge of engineering temporarily, and the EMH will run sickbay until we can figure out how to replace our Chief Medical Officer. I am giving Tom Paris the rank of lieutenant, and making him my chief conn officer. _

_I will depend on Chakotay's knowledge of his people, and the profiles provided by Starfleet, to determine what positions his crew will be assigned to._

"Computer, save entry." The chime for her door sounded, and Janeway noted with satisfaction that is was exactly 08:00. "Enter!"

"Good morning, Captain." Chakotay greeted her, seeing the surprise on her face when he stood at attention before her desk.

Then she gave him a small grin and a tip of her head. "At ease." She gestured for him to sit, and at the coffeepot and cups on her desk. "Coffee?"

"No, thanks." Chakotay replied. "Never really developed a taste for it."

She tutted and shook her head. "And here I was just beginning to trust you."

Chakotay decided the best answer to that was silence.

After a moment, she chuckled and waved a hand towards the replicator. "Feel free to order whatever you like, although you don't know what you're missing."

Chakotay offered her a small smile, ordering himself some tea before taking the seat across from her.

"For I dipt into the future, far as human eye could see; Saw the vision of the world, and all the wonder that would be…" Her voice was soft and lilting somehow.

"Captain?" Chakotay questioned when she said nothing else for a moment.

"A quote from an English poet, Lord Tennyson." She explained. "It's the motto on _Voyager's_ dedication plaque. I was looking at it this morning, thinking about just how far away we are from what human eyes have seen. Thinking of all those wonders we'll encounter on our journey home. And thinking how each and every person on this ship will have to contribute their utmost if we're to survive."

Hoping he had judged her sense of humor correctly, he smiled and said, "You just think 75 years in the brig is too harsh a sentence." He was relieved when he heard her chuckle.

"Be that as it may, it simply isn't feasible." Janeway smiled. "I'm going to invite all of the Maquis to join my crew. Do you think they'll accept?"

"They will if I tell them to. But they won't be happy being used as menial labor." Chakotay knew joining the crews really was the best option, but he was hoping she would take their skills into consideration, and really put them in positions where they could contribute.

"Nothing is truly menial aboard a starship, but I would hope that between the two of us we can find positions for everyone that will allow them to use their skills and training." Janeway replied. "I think most will start as crewmen, although I'm considering reinstating Starfleet ranks to those who used to have them. In at least one case, I know I'll be doing that."

"Captain?" The way her eyes sparkled at him left him little doubt as to whom she meant, and he wondered if he could have been as magnanimous in her position.

"Effective as of now, I am reinstating your Starfleet commission. I am also giving you a field promotion to Commander, contingent upon you accepting the position of First Officer."

His eyes widened, and Janeway sipped her coffee in silence, allowing him the time he needed to organize his thoughts. It didn't take long.

"Don't you already have an XO?" He hadn't met anyone the previous day that seemed likely now that he thought about it, and he cursed himself when he saw the pain register in her eyes for an instant before she looked away.

She looked down into her coffee for her own sake now, taking a deep breath before answering him softly. "My XO, along with the Chief Medical Officer, Chief Engineer, and dozens of good crewmen, were all lost."

"I'm sorry." The words were soft, and sincere. "But you must have other officers. I can't imagine your crew would take the idea of a Maquis traitor as a commanding officer very well."

Janeway chuckled humorlessly. "I have a lieutenant who can run engineering for the time being, and an emergency medical hologram who, unless anyone on your crew is a medic, is going to inherit Sickbay for a while. It was one of the most heavily damaged areas, we lost both our nurse and assistant as well."

Chakotay shook his head. They had never had a doctor, and had lost both of the crewmembers that had any medical training.

"We lost our chief helmsman as well, although I believe Mr. Paris is qualified for the job. And I have an ensign as chief of operations. Although that is actually his assigned post, this is also his first Starfleet posting."

"His first posting on a ship and he ends up out here." Chakotay shook his head in pity.

"His first posting period." Janeway clarified. "You'd already graduated the academy when he was born."

"That makes me feel old." Chakotay said without thought.

This time there was an edge of humor in her chuckle, and she confided, "I was already a cadet, if that helps. Most of Voyager's crew is young, Chakotay, and half of my senior officers are gone. The only one capable of becoming my XO is Tuvok, and then I wouldn't have a Security/Tactical Chief. You have the experience, and the skills, to do the job. And I believe it would offset many potential problems."

She didn't need to clarify the potential problems of integrating the two crews, he understood all too well what they were going to be up against. But he still couldn't believe the trust she would be placing in him. "As First Officer I'd have complete access to Voyager, full command codes for the ship, everything. You would really trust a terrorist with your ship? Especially after you've known him for about a day?"

"I believe you pointed out last night that you were a soldier, not a terrorist." Janeway said with a crooked smile. She took a deep breath. "My father was in Starfleet, and I grew up accepting and believing in Starfleet and Federation principals the same way I accepted and believed that grass was green. I believe, even out here in the Delta Quadrant, that those principles and beliefs are correct and must be followed. I believe they'll allow us to get home, and still be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. If I had captured you in the Alpha Quadrant, I would have turned you and your crew over to the authorities as ordered."

Chakotay held her eyes and nodded, but otherwise didn't respond. He could tell she was leading up to something.

"If you ever repeat my next words I'll deny them, but if my family had lived in the DMZ… If what happened to your family, to your planet, had happened to mine… I'm not sure I wouldn't have joined the Maquis myself." Janeway looked him in the eye as she spoke, willing him to see the truth in her words. She had thought long and hard about admitting that to him, but if this was going to work out she had to be able to trust him. And more importantly, she had to give him a reason to trust her. "I know some of the Maquis are just bitter, angry people who hate Cardassians on principle. I know some of them are mercenaries. Some are Bajorans who want revenge. The list goes on. But some are people like you, courageous and principled people who simply wanted to protect their families and homes. I'm going to hope that most of your crew is like that."

He studied her face for a moment, and was amazed by the sincerity burning in her blue-gray eyes. Once again, he found himself stunned at the force of her personality, and spoke without thinking. "You're not at all like any captain I've ever met."

"I've been told that before. Which might end up being a good thing, or a bad one, out here. After less than a week, I already know this will be the toughest command I've ever had. The most difficult, and most important, mission I'll probably _ever_ have."

Her voice had been almost hesitant, and for a brief instant he saw the fear in her eyes. Then the strength snapped back into place.

"But I _will_ get this crew home. With or without your help, although I greatly prefer with. You know I've read your file. You were an excellent officer for almost 20 years, and I know why you joined the Maquis. I may have only known you for a day, but what I've seen over that day matches your file. You're a natural leader, but you know how to follow orders. You're diplomatic, but you aren't afraid to stand up and fight against something you believe is wrong." She cleared her throat quietly. "I could go on, but I don't believe there's a point. We both know this is the best option. We have to integrate the two crews if we're to have any hope of getting home. And to do that, they have to learn how to work together. They have to trust and respect each other. And their captains have to lead the way."

She had held his eyes throughout her speech, and continued to hold them as she felt his gaze measuring and assessing her. She tried to ignore the slight fluttering in her stomach, and when she couldn't tried to convince herself she was only worried about his answer.

Finally, he nodded. "Trust and respect take time to build, but we started building them the moment we started working together. Getting our people home is more important than anything, yet I couldn't have sacrificed an entire species any more than you could have. I left Starfleet to protect people very much like the Ocampa, people who just wanted to live their lives peacefully and safely. People who just wanted to keep their homes."

She heard the strength and passion in his voice, and this time it was she who remained silent, knowing he wasn't done talking.

"We've got over a hundred people to get home, and I agree with you that it'll take the skills of every single one of us to get there." He rose then, and offered his hand. "I accept the position of First Officer, Captain Janeway. And I'll do everything I can to help you get this crew home."

She rose and shook his hand. She could swear the room got warmer as their hands touched, and there was something in his eyes that worried her. Their eyes, and their hands, held slightly longer than necessary.

Kathryn was the one to pull back, taking a deep breath to break the suddenly awkward moment. "I'll let you break the news to your people, and get everyone in uniform. We'll worry about rotations and ranks later. I'd like to have you, as well as a person you feel is appropriate for each bridge station, back on the bridge in two hours. I'll make a shipwide announcement then."

"Aye, Captain." He went back to attention, but couldn't help the smile that rose to his face when she smiled at his response.

"Welcome aboard, Commander. Ready to get this crew home?"

Chakotay nodded. "After you, Captain." He fell in at her left shoulder as she moved past him and went through the doors to her bridge.

Their bridge.

=/\=

TBC…

AN2: I averaged 734 hits a day for Feb! Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed my stories! There are such amazing people in this genre, and I feel privileged to be part of it and have gotten to know so many of you. Here's to an awesome March everyone!

And one more quick thing so I don't get people trying to 'fix my mistake.' I am aware that many J/C fanfics refer to Chakotay's destroyed Maquis ship as the _Liberty_. It is however cannon that his ship was called the _Val Jean_. (I do understand that many of these fics were written before the ship was named on the series, and the name Liberty just stuck to the point that I've chatted with many people who think that actually was the name, but I choose to use the proper name.) Which means I could invent a cool and believable reason behind the name.


	18. Hair

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. The story is mine, although I wish the writers had thought of it.

Episode: Tattoo (S2 E9)

AN: Dedicated to my friends from the Bleach genre, as this was once a prompt given about Byakuya and his kenseiken. And I needed something happy and cute after the last two.

* * *

Prompt: Every night as she took her hair out of its severe bun, she smiled as the bounds of rank fell away and she could be just a woman for a time. The first time he was privileged to see the transformation he could only watch in silence, amazed at the difference.

* * *

Hair

By Lady Callista

=/\=

Captain Kathryn Janeway let out a deep sigh as the doors to her quarters quietly swished shut behind her.

It had been a long day, although in the end a good one. They had gotten Chakotay, and the shuttle, back in one piece, as well as gotten permission to mine polyferranide and restock on their food supplies.

Exactly how Chakotay had negotiated for that remained unclear. Upon beaming back to the ship he had given her a brief report, telling her how much of the mineral they were allowed to mine, and how much and what kinds of plants they could take. He had also been adamant that the natives did not desire further contact, and that the materials were to be taken from as far from their settlements as possible.

Kathryn ran things through in her mind as she stripped off her uniform with relief, changing into comfortable pants and a shirt, leaving her feet bare.

A brief comment on the strange garments he had been wearing had caused him to shut down, and a further question about the natives had gone unanswered. Kathryn could tell he had experienced something both troubling and profound on the surface, and remembering his comment about the symbol they had found on the surface being almost identical to something relating to his father and his tribe she had stopped pushing him and offered to let him go back to his quarters for a while. It was well past time for him to be off duty anyway.

He had accepted gratefully, promising her a full report once he sorted some things out in his mind.

She had gone off duty herself shortly after, ending a nearly 11 hour shift with a sigh of relief. They were going to be in orbit for at least a day, and the routine mining and gathering shouldn't require any help from her, meaning she could finally get a solid 6 hours of sleep and a decent meal. It was something she had never truly appreciated before being stuck in hostile territory and being on what amounted to 24-hour duty.

Kathryn crossed to the replicator as she pulled the first pin out her of hair, planning on ordering herself a well-earned glass of wine while she decided what she wanted for dinner.

The three pins in her hand went tumbling to the floor in surprise as her door chimed. She could count on one hand the number of times that had happened in over a year. Reports could be sent over inter-ship messaging, and she could always be reached via the comm system. She had learned to cherish the brief time to herself even as she slowly began to realize that she was lonely.

She bent to pick up the pins, half-down hair tumbling over her shoulders, as she called for whoever it was to enter.

Chakotay froze one step in, PADD in hand. The doors remained open behind him, and for a second he could do nothing but stare. She had just straightened up, hair falling around her face while parts of it were still piled on top of her head. She wore casual clothes, which he had only seen her in once or twice, and there was something about her that was just so different that his words of apology for disturbing her died on his tongue.

He realized at once what it was. The aura of command, the larger than life energy and determination that always burned through her, was gone. Well, not gone, he corrected himself at once, realizing that she would have been a formidable person even if she wasn't a captain, but there was something softer and more approachable about her.

"Come in, Commander." Her quiet voice broke through his thoughts, and as he stepped in enough for the door to close he wondered how long he had been standing there like an idiot.

"I'm sorry for disturbing you, Captain. I can…uh… wait until morning." Chakotay finally found his voice, although he found he had to steady it halfway though as she nonchalantly pulled a few more pins from her hair.

"No, it's alright." Kathryn smiled at him, waving a hand towards the replicator. "I was just about to have a glass of wine before dinner. Would you care to join me?"

He blinked at the unexpected invitation, unsure of what she was asking. Still, he could feel his heartbeat accelerate. "For a drink or for dinner?"

"Both." Her smile was slightly uncertain. They were friendly enough while on duty, even to the point of teasing each other, and often shared lunch in the mess hall. She considered him a friend as well as a first officer, and on numerous occasions it had seemed he felt the same. Plus of everyone on the ship, he was one of the few people it was really appropriate for her to socialize with and she was sick of being alone. But the slight glint in his eyes and the answering heat she felt rising to her face forced her to add hurriedly, "I know we've talked about this before, but I don't really feel it's appropriate for me to socialize much with the crew. I guess I just miss having someone to talk to. Having a friend who I can share something with other than business."

"I thought we _were_ friends." His dimples flashed gently as he heard the hint of loneliness in her voice. He understood how she felt, although he was slightly disappointed that she wasn't suggesting they be more than friends.

Still, a friend was something he could use. Even after a year, most of the Starfleet crew were far from what he would consider friends, and his position had forced him to keep something of a distance from the Maquis he had once considered friends. B'Elanna and he were still close, and he was reasonably friendly with most of the senior staff, but he too missed having someone he could relax and be totally himself with.

"I've liked to think so." Kathryn smiled as she finished pulling pins from her hair, combing her fingers through it to loosen the tight bun and send it all cascading over her shoulders. "So, wine and dinner?"

"I just came by to drop off my report, but that actually sounds really nice." He swallowed, trying to relieve the sudden dryness in his throat. With her hair fully down, the transformation seemed complete. She was still the same person, but she wasn't at the same time. He had felt an attraction to her from almost the first day he had met her, an attraction he had fought as hard as possible as he deemed it to be highly inappropriate.

It suddenly seemed much less inappropriate as he looked at a woman rather than his captain.

"Any requests?"

He twisted the PADD awkwardly in his hands before handing it to her. "First, uh, my report so I don't forget. I prefer red wine to white, and I'm a vegetarian."

"A bottle of merlot, Chateau Picard 2365." Kathryn gave him a wry smile as she set the bottle on the table before pulling two wine glasses and a bottle opener from her cabinet. "A personal favorite."

"It's an excellent vineyard." Chakotay replied as he accepted the bottle opener from her slightly awkwardly and began to open the bottle. After fumbling at it for a moment while she scanned replicator files, obviously searching for something vegetarian, he finally got the bottle open and poured two glasses.

He took a deep breath, trying to dispel the nerves that were jittering in his stomach. It was ridiculous really, considering the amount of time they had spent alone in her ready room going over things, the meals they had had in the mess hall, and the flirting they played at while on the bridge. They were friends, as they had both said, and anything else would be inappropriate, not to mention complicated as hell.

But spirits did she look beautiful in casual clothes with her hair trailing down her back.

"Thank you." She turned from the replicator, taking the glass he offered her and raising it. "Slainte."

"Captain?" He cocked his head.

"It's an Irish toast." One corner of her mouth tipped up into a smile as he grinned at her and tapped their glasses together. "It literally means health."

The tension seemed to melt away from both of them as they sampled the wine, easily falling into the quiet camaraderie that had become second nature over the past year.

Yet even as they eyed each other over their glasses, his mind was spinning. He had wanted for months now to spend more off duty time with her, but hadn't wanted to push his luck. Now he had to figure out a way to make sure he was good enough company that she would want to make this a regular thing. He hoped to eventually be more than just her friend, but for now it was a very good start.

He wished there was an appropriate way to tell her she looked beautiful with her hair down.

Chakotay purposely flashed his dimples, hoping the glint in his eyes would say what he couldn't say out loud at the moment. "So, what's for dinner?"

FIN


	19. Skirt

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. The story is mine, although I really wish the show was still going on and that I could find a way to make the writers do this. Quote at the end belongs to Kris Kristofferson, from his heartbreaking song, "Please Don't Tell Me How The Story Ends"

Episode: Counterpoint (S5 E10)

AN: Cause it could take a little while for the flirty, sexy lady to get locked away again. Flirty fun and games, showing their friendship and closeness, with some introspection tossed in. And Tom, cause he's been screaming in my head that he wants to play more, and he's such a great way to mix fun with serious, cause I swear he just flips a switch in his head. And yeah, touch of angst at the end, depending on how you look at it, but I've gotta keep it real.

* * *

Prompt: Chakotay could barely concentrate the day she walked into Chez Sandrine wearing a black number that made her legs look amazing.

* * *

Skirt

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"Eight ball in the far right pocket." Chakotay called as he lined up his shot.

Tom let out a low whistle. "Captain on deck." He said the words normally meant to carry across a bridge softly, and with a very appreciative air.

Chakotay's head snapped up from the pool table and over towards the holodeck doors, and it took all of his control not to echo Paris's whistle. And as his control was on both that, and not letting his mouth hang open in shock, he couldn't stops the hungry eyes that trailed from the black high heels up, and up, over a long, creamy expanse of bare leg to a black skirt that was shorter than anything he had ever seen her wear. The top was one he recognized, a simple green button-up, and he almost cursed the fact that it was buttoned all the way to her neck.

Traitorous fingers tightened on the pool cue as he imagined using them for something else entirely.

He was helpless, caught in her spell, unable to draw his eyes away from her as she crossed the half-full room towards them. He swallowed to wet his suddenly dry throat as he watched her hips sway, and when he finally dragged his eyes up to her face, expecting her to be upset with the way he was watching her, he saw her trademark smirk and a twinkle in her eyes that said she was enjoying his reaction.

Chakotay was still trying to engage his brain enough to figure out what to say when Tom quipped from his side, "Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

Kathryn laughed throatily at the teasing tone in Tom's voice, pulling her eyes away from Chakotay's hot ones long enough to give her pilot a wink. "I don't see the captain around."

Tom grinned back at her. "In that case, you look amazing, mademoiselle. You're going to win the pool tournament on distraction alone. Not that you needed the edge."

"Oh, this old thing?" Her voice was casual innocence, a direct and stunning contrast to the way her hands traced lightly over her sides before coming to rest on her hips. She nodded her acceptance of Tom's compliment even as she grinned at him. "And a pool tournament? I guess I picked the right night to come here."

"It wouldn't have been the same without our resident shark." Tom laughed lightly, enjoying this new, fascinating look at a woman he had liked and respected for years. He had only seen teasing glimpses of this side of her personality in the past, and never directed at him. Even now, as his eyes flicked to Chakotay, who still looked as if she had pulled out a phaser and shot him, he realized it wasn't really directed at him. He wasn't going to take her flirtation seriously, but he certainly wasn't going to quibble about enjoying it for the moment. "Although siren might be more appropriate right now."

Kathryn laughed flirtatiously, joyously. "I would never lead a ship astray." Despite the nearly constant anxiety and worry of the past several weeks as they had traveled through Devore space, there had been one incredibly bright spot for her personally; her cat and mouse game with Kashyk had awakened the flirty, womanly side of her personality that she had buried by necessity years ago. She would have felt guilty about how much fun she had had playing the game again if the stakes hadn't been so high. The personal enjoyment had been necessary; Kashyk would have seen if she was merely pretending. And since she had won, she refused to feel guilty.

"Not a ship, just some poor fool." Tom gestured clearly to several of the holocharacters that were staring in open appreciation, not wanting to upset the light mood by making either of his commanding officers think he was referring to Chakotay. Although in a way, he most definitely was. Not only was the man still staring at her wordlessly, but his eyes had heated and focused in as if she was the only person in the room.

She grinned as she took in the men scattered throughout the room, both the holographic ones who were staring openly, and the crewmembers who were trying and failing not to. She hadn't felt this much like a woman in years. "I'll try not to break any hearts tonight."

Her words were light, but she knew both of the men with her knew her well enough to understand what she didn't say.

"We're gonna start the pool in about ten minutes, and with you here we've got eight players, so we'll go for a nice and easy single elimination." Tom smirked, casting his eyes briefly from her to Chakotay, realizing it was time to withdraw for the moment. His smirk grew as he said, "You can warm up if you want, that's what we were doing. Can I get you a drink?"

"Wine would be great, thanks." Kathryn's head tilted towards Chakotay as Tom meandered towards the bar.

Her first officer had yet to speak, had yet to acknowledge her, or her outfit, in any way other than with his eyes. Although that was okay, as his eyes said indescribably more than Tom's words had.

His hands were still tightly gripping his pool cue and she thought about teasingly asking for his stick, as she had once before, before she realized that might be taking the game a little too far. She had wanted to celebrate their leaving Devore space behind, and let herself be a woman for one more night before locking it all away again, but she knew she had to be careful where Chakotay was concerned.

Flirting with Tom had been one thing, she knew he would take her lightheartedness in the spirit in which it was meant. But with Chakotay things were entirely different.

Although they had never discussed it, she knew that he knew and understood the line between them and the reason for it as well as she did. Their casual flirting and teasing had gradually become a thing of the past, which had become necessary when each had realized it couldn't, and wouldn't, have stayed casual forever.

Which meant she would completely understand if he chose not to play; it would certainly be easier on both of them, although she knew she would regret the missed opportunity. But however he reacted, she needed this one last night of feeling like a woman.

Kathryn was abruptly brought out of her thoughts when Chakotay finally spoke, his voice soft and warm, that dangerous spark of attraction snapping between them as brown eyes gazed deeply into blue. "You look beautiful, Kathryn."

Where Tom's offhand, joking compliment had made her laugh, Chakotay's directness made her blush. It had been far too long since she had heard that caressing tone of voice when he said her name. "Thank you." She said softly, dropping her eyes briefly to take a steadying breath before looking up at him again. "It's just for tonight."

Chakotay knew her well enough to understand exactly what she meant, he even knew her well enough to realize what had brought this about. He had suspected it even before she spoke, and part of the reason for his silence had been that once his mind engaged it had begun taking inventory of his heart.

It had taken a good deal of time and effort to bury the heat between them, at least on his part and he was reasonably certain on hers as well, and the end result had been the closest and most important friendship of his entire life. One that he knew was strong enough to survive a night of casual flirting, and the enjoyment he would get from it would be worth the pain later. Another set of memories to cherish and help keep him warm at night.

He had accepted over two years ago, with reluctance but complete understanding, exactly what they could, and couldn't, be to each other. At least while they were on _Voyager_.

Realizing she was looking at him, waiting to see if he understood, waiting to see how he would react, he stopped thinking about tomorrow and let a smile bloom across his face. "Then I'll have to enjoy it while I can."

Her breath caught as his dimples flashed; she had tried to forget just how potent that smile was when it was combined with such a heated gaze.

The moment broke when Tom returned with her drink, but not with the awkward beat and careful drawing back that it would have years ago. This time, both fully aware of where they stood, what they were to each other, and how the parameters had shifted for the night, they grinned at each other, eyes twinkling before she shifted her gaze to Tom and thanked him as she accepted her wine.

"My pleasure." Tom responded even as he pulled eight playing cards from his pocket, fanning them face down before holding them out to her. "We're drawing for placement in the brackets. The prettiest lady gets the first choice."

=/\=

Chakotay had drawn the second spot, putting him up against Neelix, who had drawn the ace. Kathryn had drawn the eighth spot, which he considered lucky for him. He wouldn't have to face her unless they both made it to the final game. Not only did he know she was a better player than him, hell, she was the obvious bet to win the tournament, but he knew that concentrating on his game when she was in such a flirty mood would be very difficult.

He had beaten Neelix easily, although the Talaxian's game had definitely improved over the years, and was now watching Harry square off with Ken Dalby. The men were rather evenly matched, and Chakotay tried to concentrate on the game, knowing he would be playing whoever won.

But his concentration was shattered when she strolled up beside him, leaning casually on the bar at her back just as he did, her shoulder brushing his upper arm lightly.

"I think Dalby's got this one." Kathryn commented casually as she took a sip of her second glass of red wine, her hip now brushing against his as well.

Chakotay nodded, just as casually sliding his arm up, his fingers trailing along her back before his arm came to rest lightly on the bar behind her, his hand cupping the elbow she had propped on the bar. "Harry's good, but Ken's better at angle shots." He grinned down at her as she shivered lightly under his gentle touch, and he let his fingers stroke up and down the sensitive skin at the bend of her elbow.

This was new for both of them, adding the slight physical teasing to the verbal that they used to engage in, and Chakotay knew they had to take each step slowly and carefully. They couldn't let it go too far, but they didn't need it to. Being able to touch her this way was so new that he felt like a young teenager again, when each simple touch and expression of closeness had been its own small, unique joy.

Kathryn leaned a little closer into him, not knowing how closely his thoughts were paralleling her own at the moment. Touch was one of the things she hadn't gotten nearly enough of over the past years, and even when she did get touch with intensity rather than casualness she was almost never on the receiving end. His fingers lightly brushing her back, or her arm, sent small tremors down her body. The heat of him against her side was nearly intoxicating.

Such simple touches, such basic human closeness, had been denied to her for far too long. And even though the lack was by her own design, and came from necessity, she could still regret it. Just as she could still cherish the closeness now; simple touches that were made intense by their very newness, and by how long she had wished for this. Such undemanding ways to express all the things they couldn't say, to show the attraction and trust, and yes, even love, between them while still being able to step back into their assigned roles come tomorrow.

It was a narrow line, but they had both walked it for years now, and the shifting of the line was so welcome that they both adjusted their courses fairly easily. Shifting back would be slightly more difficult, but Kathryn didn't want to think about that now. They would do it, because they would have to, but she didn't want to worry about that right now. At this very moment, she just wanted to enjoy the few hours they had.

They shifted imperceptibly closer as they watched Ken win the game, and joined in the gentle laughter than spread through the room as Megan Delaney stepped up to take Tom on in the third game of the tournament. The only other player in the tournament she would have stood a chance against was Neelix, and she obviously knew it as she joined in the laughter self-deprecatingly as Tom, by virtue of his five spot verses her six, broke, sinking a solid.

Still, Megan obviously had fun with the game, standing just a little too close to Tom as he took his shots, and once making him blow a shot completely by leaning over the pocket he was aiming for at the last second, her low-cut top rather understandably distracting Tom.

"You're watching the game pretty intently when you know who's going to win." Chakotay commented softly, his arm still around her, fingers playing lightly up and down her upper arm.

She grinned as Tom potted his final ball, trying to find a shot at the eight ball around the four of Megan's still on the table. "Just seeing what works best to distract Tom for when I play him."

He chuckled, leaning down a little to speak softly in her ear. "The problem there is going to be that your outfit emphasizes something different than Megan's."

Kathryn laughed with him, eyes flicking up just in time to see his own sweeping over her buttoned-up shirt before moving caressingly over her legs. "Easily fixed." She moved a hand up to the neck of her shirt and undid the top button, a completely feminine smile curving over her lips as she saw his Adam's apple bob in reaction. "Although I'll save the next button until I play Tom. Wouldn't want him to get used to the view."

They joined in the clapping as Tom sank the eight ball, and as Kathryn turned around to set the glass in her hand on the bar Chakotay leaned in over her back, whispering, "Does that mean if you play me in the final you'll undo another one? Cause I'll be used to the view by then."

Her eyes glimmered wickedly as she rested a hand on his chest for a second, and even that familiar touch seemed somehow different when it combined with the heat in her eyes. "You'll have to beat Dalby to find out." And with that she picked up the cue leaning on the bar beside her and sauntered off towards the table.

She wouldn't have been surprised, or displeased, to know that his eyes were on her legs as she departed.

Chakotay couldn't take his eyes off of Kathryn as she stood next to the table, her casual hip-shot stance emphasizing her legs, which looked so much longer with the short skirt and heels.

"Having fun?" Tom asked casually as he settled against the bar next to Chakotay, ordering another beer.

"Chez Sandrine is always fun." Chakotay said casually as he watched a dark-haired engineer set up to break with a rare smile on her face. "I didn't know Nicoletti played."

Tom smiled as he took a deep drink. "She doesn't much, but she's pretty good." He winced as she bungled the break and Kathryn took over the table. "That shot not withstanding." He could feel Chakotay's eyes shift to him as Kathryn leaned over the table to make her first shot, and tried not to look too appreciative of the view.

The skirt was long enough that she didn't flash anything, she had known she was coming to play pool after all and even in her current mood wouldn't have been that déclassé, but it was a matter of only about five centimeters.

"Where's B'Elanna?" Chakotay asked casually, not at all jealous of the other man currently sharing in the rather spectacular sight, but feeling the need to make him slightly nervous just on principle.

Tom's grin flashed. "On beta-shift this week. Which I would be more upset by if it hadn't afforded me such an excellent moment of flirtation earlier."

"You don't think it would bother her?" Chakotay asked, not actually out of jealousy over Kathryn, but worried about his old friend and knowing well Tom's roving eyes.

Tom only laughed. "Maybe months ago, and maybe if it was someone other than the captain, but no, I think she would enjoy seeing her like this as much as I do. She certainly knows it's no threat." His voice grew serious, and softer. "Did it bother you?"

"No." Chakotay shook his head at once, shifting his gaze to Tom for a moment so the younger man would know he was sincere before turning back to watch Kathryn sink her fifth ball. He was still amazed on occasion when he saw this side of Tom. "It is good to see her having fun, and you understand as well as I do why she's like this tonight. There aren't many people she can show that side of herself to, and she doesn't have to be as careful with you as she does with me."

Tom was silent for a few minutes, and they watched the game companionably. Susan Nicoletti was, as he had said, pretty good, but she was nowhere near the captain's level. This game wouldn't take long.

Tom took another long pull of his beer, thoughts whirling as he watched Chakotay watch Kathryn line up for what should be the game-winning shot. Knowing he might be out of line, but hoping from Chakotay's comment a moment ago that he would take the question in the spirit it was meant, Tom asked softly, "Do you ever wish things were different?"

"I used to wish they were, every day." Chakotay's smile, when it came after a few seconds, was soft, but only a little sad. "The flirting is nice… great actually, but she's my best friend, and what's between us is more than I've ever shared with anyone. You don't need to _make_ love _to_ love. What we have is enough because it has to be."

The applause as Kathryn sank the eight ball would have drown out any reply Tom made to that statement, for which he was grateful because he didn't know what to say. He actually hadn't expected Chakotay to be that honest with him, and although he understood the sentiment behind the older man's words, he couldn't imagine how much it would hurt to be that close, and yet that far away, from B'Elanna.

Harry drifted over even as Chakotay moved to the table to take Ken on, and when Kathryn came up on his other side, reclaiming her wine glass from the bar, he flirted with her carelessly, enjoying the shock on Harry's face almost as much as he enjoyed her responses. They passed the time easily, and Harry finally seemed to figure out what was going on and joined in cautiously, although his cheeks stayed an endearing shade of pink throughout the conversation.

Tom continued teasing her as they took their own turn at the table once Chakotay won, and even if he hadn't been slightly distracted by the fact that she had undone another button on her shirt he knew he couldn't have beaten her, although he did manage to give her a good match.

And when Chakotay stepped up to the table to take her on for the championship, Tom just leaned back against the bar to watch. She had undone another button on the shirt the moment she won, and the wink she cast in Chakotay's direction as he approached made Tom think there was a joke or a story there somewhere. But as the game started he stopped thinking about that and simply waited for the baize on the table to start smoking.

He watched hands lightly stroke over backs as one crossed behind the other to make a shot, and hips bump teasingly to move each other out of the way. He almost swallowed his own tongue when Kathryn duplicated Megan's move of leaning over a pocket at just the right moment, and laughed along with the room when Chakotay botched the shot. He heard the flirty lines tossed back and forth, and watched as through it all they kept as much eye contact as possible.

The heat and attraction between them was palpable, and Tom actually considered, for at least five seconds, clearing everyone else out of the room. But knowing it was the fact that they were surrounded by others that made this safe, he merely smiled and enjoyed the show.

=/\=

Kathryn waited until the holodeck doors had closed behind them to take his arm, not wanting to start more rumors than they likely already had. Still she wouldn't trade the fun she had had for anything, and knew the rumors would fade as they always had once it became obvious that things hadn't changed between them. She wondered with a sigh just how many people would ask the computer for their locations tonight.

Chakotay automatically crooked his arm as she took it, his other hand coming up to cover hers. "You would have won even without the flirting, but Tom was certainly right that you made an amazing distraction tonight."

She laughed. "I can't remember the last time I had so much fun." Her frivolity dropped away as they entered the turbolift, and she looked into his eyes seriously as he ordered the lift to deck 3. "Thank you."

He understood the seriousness in her tone, but smiled in response. "Believe me, it was my pleasure. In fact, make sure I'm there if you ever decide to let that part of yourself out to play again."

She didn't respond as the doors hissed open on their deck, but didn't release his arm either. As they walked slowly down the hall towards their quarters she finally offered softly, "I wish I could." She risked a glance at him, and was grateful when she saw the understanding on his face. They reached her door then, and she added softly, "Could you come in for a minute?"

"Of course." He was as reluctant as she was to end the night, but knew that he couldn't stay long. After the way they had let their feelings out briefly, it would be too hard at the moment to be alone in her quarters.

She didn't call for the lights, but moved silently over to stand in front of the viewports.

Chakotay followed her after a brief hesitation, surprised when she took his hand as he came up to stand beside her. He wondered at the sudden seriousness in her, and didn't have to wait long before her voice came quietly.

"I had forgotten what it felt like to be just a woman." She gaze was focused on the stars streaking by. "Even when I was flirting with Kashyk, when we were playing our little game, I still had to be the captain and remember what I was doing it all for. I realized I had forgotten how fun and challenging it could be, and if I had forgotten about being the captain I might have…"

She trailed off, but obviously wasn't finished, and he squeezed her hand in assurance, not sure where she was going with this.

"I know you would never ask, and I know in one way it doesn't matter, but we didn't… I mean, him and I didn't…" She trailed off again, floundering, grateful when she heard the sudden intake of breath that showed he understood.

"I know." He said softly, understanding perfectly what she was trying to say, although amazed that she was going there.

Her head snapped to him. "What do you mean you know?"

His voice was as soft as hers had been a minute ago. "You know Tuvok and I were monitoring the two of you when he left in his shuttle. It seemed like your plan was working, but we couldn't take chances. We saw…" He wasn't sure how to say it without just coming out and saying it. "That was obviously a first kiss."

Even in the dim starlight, he saw her blush slightly. "I think, no, I know I would have if the mission demanded it. In one way it would have been a relief. But I'm glad it didn't."

His voice was still gentle, not only did he not have a right to be jealous, he simply wasn't. He realized he wouldn't have been even if she had slept with Kashyk. "I certainly can't throw stones. We're only human, Kathryn, and as amazing as our relationship is there is one thing we don't get from it. I can't hold it against you for wanting that; you certainly haven't held it against me in the past."

She smiled then, grateful for his understanding. So deep was their friendship that nothing more needed to be said. "Before you go, I want to ask you one more thing."

He turned his body to face her. "Anything, you know that."

She turned as well, taking his other hand so that both their hands were joined loosely, still hanging at their sides. "It's probably a bad idea, and please tell me if you don't think you can… But I was hoping, maybe…."

"Kathryn." He squeezed her hands gently, then patiently waited while she gathered her thoughts.

She met his eyes carefully, aware of how close they were. "In the spirit of the evening, a perfect end to a perfect night…" Her voice had dropped to a whisper, but the serious tone had been replaced by the flirty one she had used all night, "Would you kiss me?"

His eyes widened, and his heart twisted slightly, but the punch of heat that spread up from his belly brought a quick flash of smile to his face. In the spirit of the evening, he thought as he took the half step that would bring their bodies lightly into contact.

Chakotay released one of her hands, cupping her face gently and leaning down to lightly press his lips to hers. The kiss was gentle, almost chaste, as each knew they couldn't afford to let it grow. But the sweet lingering of lips, one more new touch in a night filled with firsts, was exactly what each of them needed in that instant.

They pulled back simultaneously, eyes shining and smiles gracing their lips. Kathryn reached up for an instant, running her fingers over his tattoo, one last simple touch that nonetheless wouldn't be allowed by morning.

Once again moving together, their hands fell from each other's faces, and their other hands released as each took a small step back.

"Good night, Chakotay."

"Good night, Kathryn."

He let his eyes trail over her one last time caressingly, and then he turned and left her quarters. In the morning they would be the command team again, the best of friends but nothing more. The flirting would vanish again, but not be forgotten.

But Chakotay knew that tonight, his dreams wouldn't be filled by his captain or his friend. They would be filled by a woman in a short black skirt, and by her achingly sweet kiss.

=/\=

"_Never's just the echo of forever, lonesome as a love that might have been._

_Let me go on lovin' and believin' til it's over. Please don't tell me how the story ends."_

FIN

* * *

AN2: Reviews on this would be even more appreciated than normal, as this was sort-of an experiment for me. They're both still IC, at least IMHO, but are very different from how I normally write them. In fact, they're probably more IC in some ways than I usually write, because although I would have loved to see them get together during the series, I do (when pressed, lol) acknowledge it actually is very unlikely and has the potential for major problems. But I don't think that means they couldn't have acknowledged those feelings, and I actually see the closeness of their friendship and their personalities allowing this moment to be possible.

This is also really long for a 25 story, and almost got taken out of here and made into a chapter fic, but I'm not sure where I would go from here. Cause it would pretty much either have to go angsty or business as usual after this, but angsty would defeat the whole mood of this story. And if it's just business as usual then what's the point of a fic? Although this is probably going to stay in my mind for a while as I try to figure out how to write a sequel. Once again, opinions are really desired.


	20. Reciprocation

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Hunters (S4 E15)

AN: So although I've already done a long fic for "Hunters," and do like how the scene with him telling her about the letter turned out, my muse has been bugging me with a completely different way it could have been done. (And a collection of moments isn't really complete without this scene.) Time for some more angst folks, cause I decided that unlike my long fic this one should stay cannon-friendly. But angst aside, it's another take on the depth of their feelings, friendship, and the mature way they can handle things.

Dedicated to everyone who told me how much they loved the mature understanding between them in the last story, and wanted to see more of them having that type of relationship. Here you go…

* * *

Prompt: He had helped her through so many things, and she couldn't understand why he hadn't turned to her when he was the one who needed a shoulder.

* * *

Reciprocation

By Lady Callista

=/\=

It wasn't so much a party as a get-together, and the emotions swirling through the mess hall were as varied as the letters the crew had received.

Kathryn circulated the room, trying to speak with as many people as possible. She laughed with those who had good stories to tell, patted the shoulders of those who had received bad news, and just generally tried to make sure the crew knew she was there if they needed her. Chakotay was doing much the same, as was Tom, being available with a smile or a shoulder as needed.

There was an odd feel to the room though, and it didn't take Kathryn long to figure out that it had something to do with all of the former Maquis. There was anger swirling around some of them, others seemed sad, and she could swear some looked almost guilty. They seemed to group together, many of them avoiding the career Starfleet crew, which had been common at the beginning of the journey but hadn't been a problem in years.

She had approached different groups several times, and could feel the mood and conversation shift whenever she drew near. Whatever they had been talking about always seemed to have changed by the time she began talking to them, and they generally began relating news from their letters to her, some good and some bad, but nothing that explained the general uneasiness swirling through the room.

Kathryn had been there for nearly half an hour when she finally heard the news about the Maquis in the Alpha Quadrant. A wash of conflicting emotions swirled through her, and surprised when the prevalent feeling was hurt, she quickly fled the room.

A few minutes later she was safe in her quarters, and unsure if she wanted to scream or cry. Her thoughts were so conflicted that for a moment she just stood in the middle of her living area, trying to decide what to feel.

She knew where the hurt came from, although it took her a minute to be willing to admit it to herself. After all they had been though and all the times he had been there for her when she needed him, he hadn't even told her himself, let alone allowed her to help him with the pain he must be feeling.

Anger came on the heels of the pain, and she embraced it briefly as it was easier and safer than dwelling on the hurt. All personal considerations aside, he should have told her simply in his role as first officer; he was responsible for keeping her updated on things that could affect the crew, and this was certainly a huge blow to the former Maquis.

It could cause tensions to erupt once again between the two crews, but that was only the beginning. Thoughts of survivor's guilt caused her eyes to fill briefly with tears, she knew the pain of that very well. There could be a resurgence of anger at being stranded in the Delta Quadrant, at having abandoned their friends, even though the only thing anyone could have done for the Maquis was die with them.

Kathryn started pacing the room as she let the worry fill her. One problem after another that could come from this vied for dominance in her head, and woven through them all was the thread of anger at Chakotay that she hadn't even known this was a problem until minutes ago. She had been trying to help, to talk to people about their letters, and hadn't even known the major issue a portion of them were dealing with.

The hurt came back, and with it a sense of betrayal. Why hadn't he told her? Had the fact that she was the embodiment of Starfleet out here been more important than their friendship? Had he thought she wouldn't understand, or even that she would be happy to have the terrorist organization eliminated? Had he…

The door chime interrupted her downward-spiraling chain of thought, and she took a deep breath to try and compose herself before calling, "Come in."

Chakotay entered, his curious eyes finding hers even as he spoke, "I was just wondering what came up, you vanished so suddenly from the party."

The frustration and anger snapped out before she could control them. "It seemed pointless to stay when none of the _Maquis_ were willing to talk to me about what was bothering them the most."

He heard the pointed accusation in her voice, but tried to ignore it for the time being. "We're dealing with it, everything's just a little raw right now." He said carefully, then cursed internally as he saw her eyes heat further at his first word.

"We?" Kathryn's voice lilted over the word, her eyes still sharp with anger. "I haven't heard you refer to the Maquis that way in years. Is that why you didn't tell me?"

Chakotay opened his mouth to give her a terse reply, the anger that had been simmering through him ever since he got his letter wanting a convenient target. But he could see the hurt under the anger in her eyes, and flexed his willpower to gentle his tone, "Are you asking as my captain or my friend?"

The hands she had planted on her hips dropped to her sides as some of the anger drained out of her at his soft words. The sense of pain came back to the forefront, and she retreated to the couch, motioning for him to join her as she took a moment to collect her thoughts. When they were both seated she began again, sympathetically, "I want to know why my best friend didn't tell me that he had received such horrible news from home."

Chakotay's head dropped, one hand running through his hair before it clenched around the back of his neck for a moment. Without meeting her eyes he whispered, "You were dealing with enough of your own."

Kathryn's eyes slid shut as she took a deep breath. "I lost one person, one that truth be told I knew I had already lost years ago. He's still alive, and I can be happy for him and the new life he's found. But you did what you always do, you put your own problems aside to help me, and…"

"And that's my job." Chakotay said softly as their eyes met. "You're right that as your first officer I should have told you and I'm sorry I didn't; you needed to know about something that could affect members of _our_ crew." He was gratified to see her smile briefly, and he risked reaching out to take her hand.

She was normally the one who initiated contact between them, and it was usually a casual hand on his shoulder or arm, or on occasion his chest, which he treasured most of all as it was a touch she used with no one else. But he needed the touch in a way he rarely did, and he smiled back at her as their hands clasped. "As your friend though, I didn't want you to have one more thing to worry about. And more than that, I knew if I told you you'd want to talk about it, and I didn't know what to say. I still can't figure out all my feelings about… about my letter."

Kathryn shifted her hand until their fingers laced together. "We don't need to talk about it right now, but I want you to know that I'm here for you when you want or need me."

Chakotay's eyes closed briefly before catching hers again, and his grip on her hand tightened for a moment. He tried to ignore the secondary meaning that could be taken from her words, but couldn't keep the conflicting emotions from his voice as he replied, "I know you are. But… but my first thought when I got the news was that forty more of my friends would be dead if we weren't stranded out here I feel guilty for being alive, and not in jail, when so many of my friends are dead. And I feel worse because being stuck so far from home, something that's been horrible for all of us for so long, suddenly feels like winning the grand prize on the dabo wheel."

Her heart clenched at the mix of guilt and pain in his voice. Not knowing what to say, because there really were no words that could make this better, she leaned her cheek against his shoulder, trying to comfort them both.

Chakotay trembled slightly at the warmth of her against him, which went so far beyond just her physical touch. Her presence alone calmed some of the worst feelings, and at the same time caused others to rise that were just as difficult to deal with. "I keep thinking of all the horrible things we've gone through, and the people we've lost, and how far we are from family or friends. But then I think how I'd either be dead or in jail if we weren't out here. And of how I wouldn't have you." He heard her sharp intake of breath and knew he had gone to far. But she surprised him.

"I wasn't lying when I told you earlier this year that I can't imagine a day without you." She said softly. "I try to think of that when I get too depressed about being so far from home. How I wouldn't have you, or how Tom wouldn't have B'Elanna. So many people who I've come to respect and like would be in jail, or worse. It makes it a little easier. But it's hard to know that those people are hurting, and that I can't help."

"I really am sorry I didn't tell you." Chakotay replied as he carefully leaned his cheek against her soft hair. "It wasn't because I didn't think you'd understand, I just… I needed to deal with it on my own for a little while. I couldn't talk to you about it before I knew how I felt myself. And sometimes…"

Kathryn pulled back from him as she felt his body tense, and she heard him clear his throat uncomfortably. He was staring down at their still linked hands with a look on his face that she couldn't begin to understand. "What?" Her voice was barely a whisper

He shook his head as his eyes closed. "Nothing."

"Chakotay." She squeezed his hand, and when he didn't reply after a moment she said in a comforting tone, "There's nothing you can't say to me, you know that."

"It's… hard to be around you when I feel like this." Chakotay admitted at a whisper. "I want the peace and comfort that I get just by being with you, but I want so much more. I just want to hold you, and ki… That's the real reason I try to not let you know when something's bothering me. It's not just that I promised to put your needs first, and that I don't want you to worry about me, it's that being with you when I'm so… off-kilter, well it makes things easier even as it makes them harder."

Her eyes widened even as they filled with tears. She traded one honest confession for another, knowing that she couldn't back away from the attraction between them as she had in the past. "I know exactly how that feels. It's why sometimes when you tried to help or comfort me I would push you away. I was afraid of what would happen if I let you get too close."

Chakotay felt a wave of heat spread outward from his belly, his breath catching at her confession. He couldn't believe that for once she wasn't turning away from him. He raised his head to look at her, only to find her staring at their joined hands as he had been. His voice was a touch deeper than normal as he asked softly, "What would have happened?"

"The same thing that would have happened on New Earth if we had been there for much longer." Kathryn tilted her head up to look at him, not realizing how close that would put their faces. "Something that can't happen while we're in command together."

"I know that as well as you do." Chakotay replied, knowing both regret and desire showed in his eyes. "I just… I was never sure if you felt the same way I do. Another thing that made it both more difficult, and less, at the same time."

"I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about you." Kathryn whispered, feeling the relief at finally saying words she had held inside her for so long. "I just wish…"

"I know." He whispered back, and conscious of the fact that their faces were less than half a meter apart he slowly leaned away from her. He had started this, and that meant it was up to him to keep it from going too far. "Maybe someday. But in the mean time, I could really use a hug from my best friend."

She smiled despite the twisting in her heart. Now that they had talked about it, now that she knew he agreed and understood about what could and couldn't be between them, she didn't have to worry about giving him the wrong signals. She didn't have to worry about hurting him, at least not anymore than the situation already hurt both of them. They would both be mature enough, and strong enough, to handle this, because there wasn't another option. "I've needed a hug for years now."

Their arms slid around each other slowly as their bodies shifted, and each sighed as their eyes slid shut.

Peace and strength flowed between them, along with comfort and unspoken but very real love. Neither of them had ever had a bond like this with anyone else, and each was privately certain that they never would. For now, it was enough.

FIN


	21. Loss

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. Although I would have paid to see it.

Episode: Coda (S3 E15)

AN: I said I'd never do one of the cliché stories, like the stuck-in-a-turbolift-and-confess ones, but I don't think Lake George counts. Unlike the turbolift or several other things I can think of, it is something that is mentioned on the show but just not shown. It's one of the scenes I most wanted to see when I first watched the episodes, and although I know it's been done it hasn't really been overdone. Dedicated to BuffieAnn, who gave me the prompt when I asked for a Coda one. (it's a rearrangement of a BtVS quote: "Angel was only out [unconscious] for a few minutes. Longest of my life.")

* * *

Prompt: Those minutes when he thought he had lost her were the longest of his life.

* * *

Loss

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"So where exactly is Lake George?" Chakotay asked as he watched Kathryn punch in buttons on the control panel outside the holodeck.

"New York. My parents have a cabin on a little island in the middle of it, called Refuge Island. We used to take vacations there when I was little." Kathryn smiled. "My father…my father had this huge telescope set up, it's where I first started learning all the names of the stars and constellations."

Chakotay noticed the catch in her voice as she mentioned her father, and thought about the little she had told him about her experiences when the alien presence had infected her brain. She hadn't written a full report yet, and he completely understood the need to analyze an experience like that before trying to write it down. He tried to keep the mood light. "And you went sailing as well?"

"We did." Kathryn chuckled at the memories as they entered the holodeck. "Dad said that if I wanted to captain a ship someday I should start by learning how to sail one."

"I've never sailed." Chakotay commented as they appeared on the deck of a boat already out in the middle of the water, which was not what he had expected. He swayed slightly, stumbling a step at the unfamiliar movement under his feet.

She caught his arm, steadying him automatically as she spread her legs slightly and rolled with the motion of the ship. "Well, I could give you a lesson sometime if you want, how to run the riggings, trim the sails, and so on, but we're cheating for tonight."

"Cheating?" He asked, looking at her curiously as she moved towards the front of the boat and he carefully followed.

She grinned. "I put the ship on autopilot."

He raised a questioning eyebrow as he watched her pull a bottle of champagne and two flutes out of the small bag over her shoulder.

"I programmed completely light and steady winds, and turned the shoreline views into a kind-of loop." She gave him her half-grin as she popped the cork on the bottle, shooting the cork off of the side of the boat. "Basically we could stay here forever, never have to touch the sails, and never hit anything."

He smiled back at her, but there was a trace of sadness in his eyes. "Forever sounds just about perfect."

She froze as her eyes caught his, a champagne flute extended halfway to him. "Chakotay…" Her voice was soft.

"It's okay." His voice was also soft, and he took a steadying breath. "I just… I really needed this after today."

Kathryn stepped closer to him, handing him the one flute, and as soon as he took it from her she rested her now empty hand on his arm. "I needed it too, although for completely different reasons."

He tried to keep his voice light as he glanced from the drink to her eyes. "So, to beating yet another strange Delta Quadrant entity?"

She tipped her head in agreement, and the glasses clanged quietly before they each took a sip. Then she said quietly, "I kind of wanted to talk about it, but…"

"But?" Chakotay prompted when she trailed off, wondering if it was for his sake or her own that she wasn't sure she wanted to rehash things.

"But it's so hard to even think about. I mean, I was at my own funeral. And I know it was my mind making up the things people would say, and maybe no one would have said anything like what they did…" She trailed off again, unable to explain how the events made her feel.

"What did I say?" Chakotay asked quietly into the uncomfortable silence.

Her breath caught, and she set her champagne on the table, walking to the railing and leaning against it to give herself a minute to think. She watched the water quietly, enjoying the beauty of the moonlight reflecting off of it. Such a simple thing. Something she had thought she would never be able to see again.

"Kathryn?" He came up behind her, and when he placed a careful hand on her shoulder she leaned back into him slightly. That was all the encouragement he needed to wrap his arms around her gently, holding her close to him in the way he had needed to ever since she woke up. He wondered if she needed it as much as he did, because he had never dreamed she would allow even this small amount of comfort and closeness.

"I don't know how much the alien was influencing what I saw, and how much was my own conscious or subconscious mind making it up." Her voice was almost a whisper, and he unconsciously drew her slightly closer, his chin coming down to hover right above her shoulder. "You, you lead the service obviously, but you didn't say anything personal. All of the senior staff said something, told stories of good times, or how I had influenced their lives, or how much they would miss me. Harry actually broke down in tears partway through speaking. But you… your face was almost blank throughout, although I could see the pain in your eyes."

Chakotay could feel that same pain coursing through him now, and let out a deep breath when her own arms came up to link with his around her stomach.

Her voice shook as she continued, "Maybe it was just my own mind, thinking of how private a person you are, and knowing that as the captain it's not a good idea to break down around the crew. Maybe my subconscious just made you act the way I would have if it was you, knowing that I couldn't speak at the funeral because I would start crying and never stop."

His heart twisted at the roundabout acknowledgement of what he meant to her, and his chin dropped to her shoulder, their cheeks rubbing together briefly.

"Or maybe the alien was as confused by our relationship as I am sometimes, and couldn't figure out how you would react." Kathryn finished in barely a whisper.

"I don't know how I would react." Chakotay whispered after she fell silent. "I've never… I've never wanted to think about it. Even down there, when I was doing CPR and waiting for the Doctor to come, even as I was screaming at you that you couldn't die, I never thought beyond the moment. I couldn't. I couldn't even begin to imagine what I would have done if you had died. And not just died, but died in my arms."

His voice broke, and she could feel him trembling against her. Even as she had the brief thought that what she had seen had been close to the truth, maybe even exactly what happened, her mind flashed back to watching his desperation and pain as he tried to resuscitate her. She had almost hoped that had been an invention of her mind, but had known she would never be able to ask him. His soul had been laid bare in that instant, and even their close friendship made that moment too private to share.

That look of utter desperation and pain locked into her mind, and she pulled herself away from him just enough to turn in his arms, wrapping her own around his back as his body continued to shake softly.

Chakotay's arms tightened, the moment of panic when she had begun to pull away easing as her arms wrapped around him and her head came to rest on his chest.

"Staying here forever is sounding better and better."

Kathryn tensed at his uncensored words, a few tears coming to her eyes. She could feel the deep ache in her chest, both at his pain and her own, and at what could never be. She drew strength from his embrace even as she worried that she could get too used to this, could lose herself in him and lose the focus and drive she needed to get the ship home. Because staying here with him like this forever sounded pretty damn good to her as well.

She drew back slightly, unable to pull away from him completely but needing to see his face. "Chakotay, we can't…"

"Shhh." The pain was still there, in his face, but it was a different kind of pain, one both of them were familiar with. He cut her off, knowing she was talking about more than his comment on them staying on Lake George forever. "I know. I just need to hold you for a little while. Consider it a personal request."

She chuckled briefly as he had intended before sliding back in to rest her head against his chest. "That implies it has something to do with our positions on this ship. And I'd much rather just be held by my best friend."

His heart took a little leap, it was the first time she had called him her best friend, and his arms tightened around her as he rested his cheek against her hair.

The pain in his heart began to abate as the scent and feel of her surrounded him, and for the moment he was completely content merely with the fact that she was alive, and safe in his arms.

FIN

* * *

AN2: Some of you may have noticed the not-yet-completed prompts have been changed around yet again. When I started this series, I just wanted to write 25 moments in their lives, but as I started doing more and more "missing scenes" from episodes or their aftermath I realized that was what I should have been doing all along. I'm not going to go back and change them obviously, but some of the prompts that were funny as single sentences didn't really work well to have stories written around them, so they are gone. Although I'm sure a few at least will pop up in other stories I write, as they're too funny to get rid of. Sorry if one you were waiting for is gone, and thanks for understanding. I've got basic outlines for each of the remaining stories, so they shouldn't change again.


	22. Trust

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. Although the characters probably wish I had been one of the writers.

Episode: Investigations (S2 E20)

AN: Because I can't believe that Chakotay took this as easily as the show led us to believe. I can't quite decide if this is really IC or not, but I'm so happy that my muse is letting me write again that we're just going with it. I do really like it, I'm just not sure it's completely _them_. But then again, not all of these Moments are IC, so just enjoy.

* * *

Prompt: After all this time, he had thought that she trusted him.

* * *

Trust

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"Is everything all right, Mr. Paris?" Kathryn asked as she ran into him leaving Chakotay's quarters.

Tom let out a slow breath, but nodded his head. "I think so. After he saw what I said on _A Briefing with Neelix_, he called me down here. He doesn't blame me really, said he knows I was just following orders, but I think it's gonna take some time till everything is good between us."

Kathryn nodded. "You _were_ just following orders; it's Tuvok he's really mad at, and me."

"You wanted to tell him, Captain, just like I did." Tom said softly. "It was Tuvok who convinced us it would work better if he didn't know, and I made sure the Commander knew that."

"You did what?" Kathryn hissed. Tuvok had already taken the blame directly to Chakotay's face, but that didn't excuse her part in it. In the end, she had been the one to make the final decision to keep her first officer, and friend, in the dark.

"He asked me, if the decision had been mine, if I would have told him what was going on." Tom replied. "I told him yes, and that you had wanted him to know as well, but that Tuvok had talked you out of it."

She took a deep breath. "How did he react?"

Tom grinned slightly as he replied, "He actually laughed a little bit, and said he was both surprised and not surprised by that. I'm not sure what he meant honestly, but he dismissed me right after that."

Kathryn didn't know what Chakotay meant by that either, but hoped she would be able to find out. Taking another deep breath, she gave Tom a small smile. "I hope things between the two of you don't take long to go back to normal."

Tom could hear the slightly dismissive tone in her voice, and knew this was her way of ending the conversation. "I hope so too." He turned to head of down the corridor, but couldn't help speaking softly over his shoulder. "And I hope the same for the relationship between the two of you."

Her head snapped in his direction, but there was no innuendo in his voice, no teasing smirk on his lips. She nodded her head briefly in acceptance of her pilot's words, and had just turned back to Chakotay's door, about to press the buzzer, when she heard Tom speak again. "You're right that he's angry at Tuvok, but he doesn't seem angry at you. More… disappointed, actually."

She closed her eyes briefly at the stab of guilt that shot through her, understanding exactly what Tom meant. Chakotay and Tuvok had a good working relationship, which could be ascribed solely to their professionalism and dedication to the ship, but they didn't have any kind of a personal relationship. Tuvok had already betrayed Chakotay once, and she could understand his anger, but lack of surprise over what had happened.

But she was supposed to be his friend as well as his comrade, and if the fact that he was her first officer hadn't swayed her opinion that he should be kept in the loop, her trust in their friendship, and the kind of man he was, should have. There was a very good chance that by listening to Tuvok, she had destroyed not only their friendship, but the trust and respect they had built between themselves as _Voyager_'_s_ command team.

"Thanks for the warning, Tom." She said softly, seeing the empathy in Tom's eyes as he nodded and moved off down the corridor.

She gathered her courage and pushed the buzzer. The door opened at once, and she stepped though just enough for it to close behind her. "Could I have a word, Commander?"

He was standing across the room, staring out the viewport at the streaking stars, and she saw his body tense the instant he heard her voice. Without looking at her, he replied softly, "Can it wait until later, Captain?"

She could hear the control in his voice, the almost brutal politeness, and the guilt spread further through her veins. She took a few steps closer to him, all the words she had prepared flying from her mind, and said simply, "I'm sorry."

He turned to look at her then, and her stomach tightened at the mix of disappointment, sorrow, and hurt that she could see swirling through his eyes. "I'm sorry, too. I've tried to be a good first officer, but obviously everything I've done isn't enough; you still don't trust me. And I don't know how we can command this ship together anymore; because now I don't know if I can trust you again."

She stood frozen for a moment. She couldn't think of a single thing he could have said that would make her feel worse about all this. And he was only focusing on the professional, not even trying to take advantage of the fact that they were friends as well. Her voice was shakier than she would have liked when she finally managed to reply, "I told you before, it wasn't about trust. If I didn't trust you I would never have made you my first officer."

He snorted at that. "Remember what I said when we were arguing about who would be chief engineer? How I wouldn't be your token Maquis officer? Well, I won't be a token XO either. If you want me to do my job, you have to let me, and that means not hiding things like this from me. The only possible reason I would have accepted for you not telling me was if you thought I was the traitor, and then we would have a whole different set of problems here."

"You have to know I never thought that." Kathryn said emphatically, again moving closer to him. He had turned back to stare out the viewport, and she stopped a few feet away, softening her voice. "I know you would never betray Voyager, so does Tuvok. That wasn't why we didn't tell you."

"Yes, I know, you wanted a grand performance, you wanted to make it easier for me if it was again one of my people, I heard the excuses before, Captain." A thread of anger was lancing into his voice. "Did it occur to you that I can act as well as you or Tom? You know I did undercover work when I was in Starfleet, and as a Maquis as well. You know how I handled myself when Tuvok came to me about Seska; if I could fool someone who knew me as intimately as she did, and accept that she was a traitor, why would you think I couldn't have done it with any other of my people?"

She took the anger, knowing she deserved it. Truth be told, it was easier to deal with than the disappointment. She tried to make him understand her point of view. "I know you could have done it, but I didn't want you to have to. I know how much it hurt you when Seska… when she…."

"You really don't." Chakotay could feel the anger draining away again, he couldn't stay mad at her, especially when he had seen in her eyes how sorry she really was. But he hadn't been lying when he said he didn't know if he could trust her again. "Unless you've ever been betrayed by someone you loved, you couldn't understand. And I don't know if I can deal with that again so soon." He heard her sharp intake of breath, and cursed the last sentence that had slipped through his lips without his brain censoring it.

"Chakotay…" Kathryn knew her voice was barely a whisper, she was still trying to process his words. He couldn't have meant what it sounded like he did.

"Tom told me that he wanted to tell me, and he said you did as well." Chakotay cut her off, hoping his slip would be forgotten. "Why did you let Tuvok talk you out of it?"

"It was a matter of ship's security." She said simply. "My Chief of Security had a very serious objection to you being told, which he presented in a logical and compelling manner. He made sense, and I deferred to his judgment, worried that my own was colored."

The retort he had been about to hiss died on his lips as he saw the blush that rose to her cheeks with her last words. His voice was almost gentle, and some of the hurt faded from his heart, as he asked, "Why would your judgment be impaired?"

Her voice was quiet, and starkly honest, "Because to me it wasn't just about alienating a fellow officer. It was about possibly losing a friend, about betraying the trust of someone that I… that I care about."

Her voice had gotten quieter as she spoke, and he had actually taken a step closer to her in order to hear the last few words, which were delivered at barely above a whisper.

Chakotay felt a small smile flash to his face as her cheeks got ever redder. He wanted to latch on to her confession like a drowning man to a life raft, but could sense her discomfort and knew she would pull back if he pushed. Instead he casually crossed to the replicator. "I could use a glass of wine, would you like one?"

She blinked, hearing warmth in his tone for the first time since she had entered the room. She automatically nodded her agreement, and when he crossed to his couch with both glasses she joined him hesitantly, perching on the edge of the couch.

"You know why Tuvok did it, don't you?" He asked after a moment of silence had passed, giving each of them a chance to both sample the wine and collect their thoughts.

Her eyes widened, and her thoughts ran to Tom's comment on how Chakotay had said he was both surprised and not surprised by what had happened. This obviously had something to do with the not surprised part, as he obviously thought Tuvok had a motivation beyond the logical one had had given. "Why do you think he did it?"

Chakotay scooted closer, reaching out and taking her hand, grateful when she didn't try to pull away. "To drive a wedge between us."

"Why would he want to do that?" Her confusion showed clearly.

Chakotay smiled again, unsurprised that she had a blind spot where her Vulcan friend was concerned. "He knew that it wouldn't affect us much on a professional level, we're both too duty-oriented for that. But he knew it would likely destroy our friendship, or the chance of anything… more."

She couldn't pretend to misunderstand, but her eyes widened in shock even as her heartbeat kicked up a notch at the heat she could again see in his eyes. "More?" She could barely recognize her own voice.

"Tuvok isn't blind, Captain. He can see that you… care about me," He used her words from earlier, "And vice-versa. We flirt on the bridge, it may be light and casual, and more teasing than anything else, but it's still flirting. I think he was worried about what might happen, and wanted to make sure nothing ever did."

"Why would he do that?" Kathryn asked softly, barely realizing that she had slid closer to him.

Chakotay smiled again, glad she wasn't arguing with him about the attraction between them. He had expected her to completely deny it. "He would see it as logical, I imagine. There may not be a regulation forbidding the captain from becoming involved with a crew member, but it is generally regarded as a bad idea. And out here, where there's no way to transfer if something goes wrong, it could be even worse. He would see it as preventing a potential disaster."

"You really think he would do that?"

"I'm sure he believed the logical reasons he gave you, about it looking real, and making it easier for me and all that, but I'm sure he at least considered the division it would cause between us. He would have viewed it as a bonus at the very least, although I'll bet it was actually a factor in his decision." Chakotay said softly, realizing for the first time that he still held her hand, and that his thumb was stroking lightly over her knuckles. She didn't seem to notice however, and he didn't want to lose the contact. This conversation was going much better than he had hoped it would; he wasn't sure if that was because she felt so guilty over what she had done, or if it was something else, but he didn't want her to close off again.

"And did he succeed?" Her voice nearly trembled, and she took a deep breath and a large sip of wine to try and steady herself. "You said earlier that you weren't sure if you could trust me again…"

He heard the pain in her voice, and hated himself for causing it even as he knew it was necessary. If he hadn't been honest with her, his feelings would have grown and festered until they really did have no chance of being friends, let alone anything else. "I still trust you as my captain. Despite believing that as the first officer I should have been informed, I can respect that you were acting on Tuvok's recommendation, which is usually a good thing to depend on. And I don't want to lose your friendship, it's too important to me. You said you're sorry and I believe you, and forgive you. But it's going to take time for me to fully trust in our friendship again."

"I understand, and I…I promise I'll never lie to you again." Kathryn whispered. "Not even by omission. I know we had a bumpy road in the beginning, but I've come to rely on you, both as a first officer and a friend. I want you to know you can rely on me the same way."

He held her eyes as he reached out testingly, the knuckles of the hand not still holding hers brushing lightly over her cheek. "And the more?"

"Tuvok isn't wrong that it could be a potential disaster, and to be completely honest I never even considered it. I won't deny that there's an attraction, or that I enjoy the flirting, but…" She took a deep breath. "Chakotay, I'm engaged, and it's too soon for me to give up hope that…"

"I understand." And he did, completely. "Mark's a lucky man."

She broke eye contact then, and this time the flush that rose to her cheeks was from embarrassment. "I'm the lucky one, now in more ways than one. If I wasn't engaged…"

"Shhh." He cut her off gently. "I really do understand. Loyalty is one of your best traits, which is why I was surprised you let Tuvok talk you out of telling me. But after hearing your reasoning, I think I can understand that too."

"So we're okay?" There was still hesitation in her voice.

"Not perfect, but okay, yeah." He nodded softly, gracing her with a full smile. "Thank you for explaining, and for not hiding from the truth."

Her smile matched his own. "And thank you for understanding. About both things."

"I really do hope we find a shortcut home, Captain. For you, and for everyone else who has loved ones waiting at home. But if we don't…"

She saw the promise in his eyes, and understood again how lucky she was to have him by her side. For a brief second she let herself consider what it would be like to have him as a lover and a partner. She felt the slide of desire go through her body, and knew he saw it too when his eyes widened. "If we don't I'm going to have to teach Tuvok to keep his logic out of my personal life." She squeezed his hand gently, and leaned in to kiss him lightly on the cheek. She felt his own lips brush her cheek, and closed her eyes briefly at the sense of both comfort and strength she could feel well up in her heart.

She drew back before she could get lost in the touch, something she had needed for far too long. She took a deep breath, calming her emotions and finding the inner center she had always used to pull herself through things. It was a little more difficult to find than usual, but at last she was able to look at him with calm eyes and her trademark half-grin. "I was planning on getting dinner in the mess hall after I talked to you, care to join me?"

He returned her smile with one of his own, and squeezed her hand in return before releasing it and rising to his feet. "Sounds good to me."

FIN


	23. Panic

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this.

Episode: Scientific Method (S4, E7)

AN: Because you know the captain wouldn't get treated until everyone else had been. This one is probably way OOC, but it pretty much ran away from me and wrote itself in about four hours, so I decided to let it stand. After all, nearly half the J/C fic I've read is at least somewhat OOC, and still wonderful. Besides, I can blame my very non-standard KJ on the increased dopamine.

* * *

Prompt: "Captains don't panic," Chakotay admonished gently. "They just overreact in a very dramatic fashion."

* * *

Panic

By Lady Callista

=/\=

"Please, Kathryn, just allow the Doctor to treat you." Chakotay repeated for the third time in as many minutes as they faced off across the middle of her ready room.

"I told him, and I'll tell you again, not until everyone else is treated." Kathryn spat back, the almost unbearable headache and increased dopamine levels causing her to have no control of her temper. "So stop pushing, and just leave me the hell alone."

Fortunately, he knew better than to take it personally. His voice was soft as he replied, "That's one thing I promised I would never do."

Her face gentled for a moment, and then she was pacing, the anger again flashing from her eyes. "Damn it, Chakotay. I can't do this right now. I have a ship to run, and…"

"The Doctor has temporarily removed you from duty." He interrupted calmly, even knowing how she was going to react. He had hoped he wasn't going to have to tell her that part, hoped that he could convince her to at least try and relax, but knew her well enough to know how slim a chance that had been.

"He WHAT?" She screeched as she spun to face him.

"High levels of dopamine can affect many things, including decision making, and…"

"I know that!" She yelled. "But just because I panicked a little and went through those…"

"Captains don't panic," Chakotay admonished gently. "They just overreact in a very dramatic fashion."

"So maybe I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for this damn thing in my head, but it worked! The aliens are gone, and no one else is going to die, and…" She swayed for a moment as she got light-headed, and he was there instantly with a steadying hand under her elbow.

"Captain, I'm here on the Doctor's direct orders. You have three options, either go to Sickbay now and let him remove the device, go to your quarters and relax, or be sedated."

Chakotay kept his voice gentle, yet firm. She had seemed almost ready to faint a minute ago, and he knew what the combination of adrenaline and anger was doing to her already haywire system.

Kathryn drew her tingling arm away from him, taking a deep breath and looking anywhere but into his eyes. Now that all the dangers to the ship were past, her over stimulated body was looking for another outlet for her energy, and she couldn't think of a more appealing one than the handsome man currently standing far too close to her. She tried to focus her thoughts beyond the desire to rip his clothes off. "How am I supposed to relax?"

"A hot bath and a massage?"

"Isn't he a little too busy to beat up on my muscles?" The waspish quality had returned to her voice, a defense against the image her mind conjured up as Chakotay said the word massage. It wasn't the Doctor she wanted to touch her.

"He is, but I'm not." He made sure to keep his voice neutral, but couldn't stop his eyes from widening as he saw her cheeks flush. Her eyes were hot again when they met his, but it wasn't anger snapping from them this time.

Kathryn felt the punch of desire straight to her gut at his quiet words, and felt fear right on the heels of that. She knew logically that a loss of impulse control was another symptom of what she was going through, but she felt like every single barrier she had erected between them had come crashing down. All the perfectly sound reasons for them not being together were completely gone from her mind. All she wanted was to touch him, to have him touch her as he had just hinted at. That and so much more. But the last thread of reason left in her head warned her of how disastrous that would be.

Chakotay could see in her face the fight going on in her mind, and knew her well enough to realize what her problem was. He knew how little control she had at the moment, and the desire in her eyes left no doubt as to what she was thinking. But if she thought he would take advantage of that, she didn't know him at all. He dared to move closer to her again, resting a hand lightly on her shoulder. "Trust me."

She swallowed audibly as she registered his tone of voice. He hadn't asked her if she trusted him, because he knew the answer to that. Instead, his words were both a plea and a promise, and she realized he knew at least some of what was running through her head. He always had been able to read her too well.

And she did trust him, she knew he would never take advantage of what she was going through, in fact she firmly believed that even if she tried to initiate something he would stop her. But from the moment she had learned he was in love with her, she had always been so careful not to tease him, and she knew how much it would hurt him if she threw herself at him now only to regret it later. "It's not you I don't trust at the moment."

He took a deep breath. "Kathryn…"

"You can't understand." She was using all her considerable determination and willpower to keep herself from reaching out to him, and her voice came out in a whisper. "I think I understand pon farr a little better now. All I want is…"

"Kathryn." His voice was firmer this time as he interrupted her, knowing what she was going to say, but knowing how much worse this would become if she did say it. Because he did know how she felt, he knew what it was like to want someone more than you wanted your next breath. But he had had years to learn to control those desires. "If you don't calm down you're going to faint, or worse. Please just let me help you. You know I won't… I'm strong enough to get through whatever happens, and you know I won't let things go too far."

She trembled, knowing he meant exactly what he said, and for a brief second hating him for it. She finally had an excuse to enact dreams she had been having for years, and she knew that if he pushed even slightly they would be naked and joined faster than light speed. And the tiny corner of logic left in her mind knew she would lose her best friend if it happened that way. "I don't think I could sit still long enough for a bath, but…"

"But?" He could already read the decision in her eyes, but asked nonetheless.

"I don't think it will calm me down, and I can't promise I won't… but I want that massage. I want your hands on me, and…" She trailed off as she realized what she had just said, but far from looking embarrassed or uncomfortable, his only reply was a light chuckle.

"All humans need touch, Kathryn." Chakotay replied gently as he let the hand that had still been sitting on her shoulder slid down her arm lightly to grasp her hand. "And you don't get nearly enough of it. It's about comfort, and relaxation. It's as simple as asking for a hug when you need one, or a hand to hold, or a shoulder to cry on. But you never allow yourself that. I understand why it's so hard, believe me I do, and I know we're walking a thin line, but some things are just different out here. They have to be. You said months ago that you didn't want to be alone, but that means you have to stop pushing everybody away."

"The last thing I want right now is to push you away." She admitted, finally giving in to all the feelings coursing through her and closing the short distance between them, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head on his chest. Just that simple touch, and the feel of his arms sliding around her back in return, made her sigh with pleasure. It also awakened further what she could swear was every nerve ending on her body, and the next sound that fell from her lips was a gasp.

Her heart began to race even faster, and she barely registered his voice as he called for a site to site transport to her quarters.

Chakotay could feel her shaking in his arms, and knew he had to take complete control, both of himself and the situation. "Take off your jacket, and go lay down on your bed. I need to contact the Doctor, then I'll be right there."

"Isn't massage supposed to work better on bare skin?" Her voice was breathy, and she knew she would be testing the limits of both their control and willpower, but the hunger for flesh was actually more unbearable than the headache by this point.

Chakotay tensed before he could help it, then replied in a careful voice, "It's easier, yes. But I don't want you to look back on this and be uncomfortable. I couldn't bear losing my best friend when this is over."

"You won't." She answered softly, rubbing her cheek against his chest through his shirt. "You should just be happy I'm letting you take care of me."

He chuckled. "That's hard when I know your judgment is being affected. If it wasn't for yet another crazy Delta Quadrant thing, you wouldn't even be comfortable with a massage, let alone one with your shirt off."

She laughed with him, amazed that for the moment the feelings of panic and manic energy had slightly ebbed, at least enough for her to think clearly. She felt his hand stroking gently over her back, and knew it was his touch allowing her this moment of peace. "I wasn't comfortable having lizard babies with my helmsman either, but we managed to get past that. You're my best friend and I do trust you, and you're right that… that I can't function like this much longer."

He knew just how bad things had to be for her to admit that, and said gently, "Go in the bedroom, make yourself as comfortable as you want. I'll be in once I send a message to the Doctor."

Kathryn forced her arms to release him, feeling the mania and anxiety ramping back up. She wrapped her arms around herself, clenching her own elbows, and moved slowly from the room.

Chakotay took several deep breaths before sitting down at her computer and composing a quick message to the Doctor. He almost wished he could see the hologram's mouth drop when he read that the captain had agreed to return to her quarters and rest. He decided to leave out the part about the massage; that and the bath had been his idea, not the Doctor's, and he didn't think she would want this to go on any reports. He made a quick detour to the replicator for some lavender oil, using the time to calm his emotions and remind himself that this was about taking care of her and nothing more.

He took another couple of deep breaths as he paused in the doorway, eyes on the floor. He had told her he could do this and knew he could, but also knew he would be pushing the limits of his self-control if she really had decided to go shirtless. "Kathryn?"

"I'm decent." Her voice came back with a lilt in it. "Relatively."

Chakotay raised his eyes to the bed, and couldn't stop his blood from humming slightly at the sight that greeted him. She lay on her stomach in the center of the bed, dressed in a pair of satiny pajama pants and nothing else. She hadn't turned the light on, but the spillover from the main room and the way he was blocking part of it cast her in an enchanting mix of shadows and light. He cleared his throat. "Can I turn the lights on?" Anything to make the moment less intimate.

"A little if you need to, but the dark will help with the headache." Her voice was soft.

Her cursed the logic even as he slowly moved forward to sit on the side of the bed, opening the oil and pouring some into his hands. Her head turned to follow his movements, and she inhaled deeply at the scent. "What is that?"

"Lavender." He said softly. "It's been used for relaxation and to promote sleep for hundreds of years." He slid closer, swallowed audibly, and then raised one leg until he was kneeling over her hips, careful not to put any weight on her. "I need you to tell me if I make you uncomfortable."

She let out a deep sigh as his hands touched her gently, resting on her lower back for a moment before gliding up to her shoulder blades. "I don't think anything you could do would make me uncomfortable right now, Chakotay. I'm so hungry for touch; I feel like you're the only thing anchoring me, keeping all this energy from just exploding. When you touch me, it's like the mania and anxiety recede, at least enough for me to think. Enough for me to stay sane. What did the Doctor say?"

"I just sent him a message, said I had gotten you to agree to retire to your quarters and try to relax. I didn't mention how." His hands continued to slide gently over her back as he spoke, knowing that with how tense she was he had to start with light pressure to warm the muscles up, otherwise he would do more harm than good. Added to that, he knew this wasn't just about the massage for her, but about the touch. And he certainly didn't mind touching her.

"Probably a good idea." She sighed as his hands slid over her, and her thoughts began to slide away again. Only this time it had nothing to do with mania, and everything to do with arousal. But that at least was something she was used to dealing with, although not quite to this extent. She forced herself to keep talking, trying to focus through the rising emotions. It was much harder than usual. "I never have understood how he gets around the confidentiality subroutines to be the biggest gossip on the ship."

Chakotay chuckled, more than happy to use conversation to keep himself distracted from the soft, pale skin under his hands. "Because he doesn't actually talk about medical stuff, rather all the gossip he hears other people talking about when they're in there. Working with Paris probably doesn't help."

"I'm sure it doesn't." Kathryn said, wondering why she had never thought of that before. Then she let out a deep moan as his thumbs pressed down hard on either side of her spine, just between the shoulder blades.

Chakotay lightened his touch instantly. "Did I hurt you?"

"Oh, gods no." Her voice was breathy again. "I really should let you do this more often."

He took a deep breath, applying himself to the knots on either side of her neck before saying cautiously, but completely honestly, "Kathryn, there's no way to deny that this is sensual, which is okay, but because it's therapeutic I can keep it from turning sexual. I don't know if I could promise that under other circumstances."

She moaned again as his hands slid down her back again, thumbs pressing firmly all along her spine. "I didn't say I would ask you to."

Chakotay froze at her words, and then unable to help himself let his legs fold down until he was sitting lightly on her upper thighs. His body folded as well, not caring that the oil on her back would stain his uniform jacket, and for a brief instant he allowed his forehead to rest on the nape of her neck as his body curled around hers. "Remember what I said before about overreacting?"

"This isn't putting thoughts into my head that weren't there before, Chakotay, it's just affecting my ability to control what's already there."

"If you still feel that way once that device is removed from your head, I'll be more than happy to oblige. If you don't, we can just forget you ever said that."

She shuddered, both from the heat of him along her back and from his breath whispering across her neck. The thought came unbidden of how much better it would feel if he was shirtless as well, but she still had just enough control to leave that thought unvoiced. Instead she said softly, "I don't want to forget it, but I know I'm not thinking clearly right now. Well, it's not my head that's doing the thinking anyway. It's just that I, I've had all these feelings bottled up for so long, and now that they're free I don't think I want to put them away again. This feels like the start of a dream, one I don't want to end."

He managed to chuckle, dropping a light kiss on the back of her neck before he rose up and began to rub her shoulders again. "I've had dreams like this." He couldn't control the huskiness in his voice as he added, "And I would love to show you how they end. Once that thing is out of your head."

She gave him a full smile before letting her eyes slide shut as she relaxed under his gentle ministrations. "Almost makes me want to call the Doctor right now. But I'd rather not move."

"The last estimate the Doctor gave me was that he should be done with everyone in about four hours." Chakotay let his hands slide down her arms, not to massage but just to touch, and smiled when she laced her fingers through his briefly before releasing them to slide back up her arms.

"Think your hands will last that long?"

He let out a fuller laugh as he resumed the massage. "If they don't I'll just hold you."

"Now I don't know which one I want."

Chakotay could hear the pout in her voice. "Just relax. We'll talk about this…"

"When the damn thing is out of my head, I know." Kathryn sighed as she felt him cover her back again, and another kiss on the nape of her neck made her shiver and open her eyes enough to see his dark head over her shoulder.

"Can you blame me for needing to be sure?" He slid back up, hands returning to her neck.

"Not at all." She let her eyes slide shut, concentrating on his gentle touch, and the feel and scent of him surrounding her. "But I can promise you, we will talk about this tomorrow. I want to know how the dream ends."

FIN

* * *

AN2: And yes, an excess of Dopamine, in addition to causing manic behavior, has also been shown to cause hypersensitivity, and hypersexuality. It also affects decision making, impulse control, socialization, and action/reward behavior. And a massage would certainly help some, but not to this extent. Ah, the joys of fanfic license.


End file.
